Girls with ASD/Aspergers

[Ohmuther]

Hello
DD8 is being assessed for Aspergers at request of paediatrician. Having read the Aspien Girl list of female autistic traits 95% apply to DD. Am feeling sad/hopeful/relieved/confused.
Just wanted to connect with other parents with ASD girls for support.
Thanks

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

I have an almost 4 year old girl on the spectrum. (No diagnosis, probable PDA) also a son who is 5.5 with ASD.

Have you always had suspicions or has it come out of the blue?

Whatever happens she'll still be the same little girl.

Good luck today

[Ineedmorepatience]

Hi I have a Dd with Asd, she is nearly 14 and was dx'ed at 9.

Good luck with the assessment.

[HaveYouSeenMyHat]

I have a 4 year old DD with a diagnosis of ASD.

I recognise all those emotions you describe .

[Ohmuther]

Hello patience and cup of tea
Thank you so much for responding. I've known something was 'up' for the last 4 years or so, but I didn't know quite what it was. My original thought was a very emotional response to dyslexia as DD hates school, especially reading & writing, & despite being really bright (with a ridiculous vocabulary) she was always way behind her peers academically & felt stupid & marginalised. Her behaviour at school was never really a problem but she had separation anxiety and mega tantrums at home, trying to get her up/dressed/breakfasted was a nightmare most mornings & having certain children round for play dates would cause all sorts of crazy meltdowns. We were referred to the paediatrician because of her withholding and soiling/toilet issues in reception then to CAMHS because of possible ADHD & school refusal in year 1. Anyway 4 years on, another CAMHS referral for her extreme anxiety and a particularly stroppy appointment with the paediatrician and she (paediatrician) recommended testing for Aspergers. It seems to make sense on a lot of levels - of Tania Marshall's list of autistic traits in girls there were only 2 that didn't apply to DD... so I think paediatrician has a point. DH is kind of devastated, I was v sad but also relieved. It's all taking SUCH a long time though. It took 7 months to be seen by CAMHS & now the process of assessment seems v slow too. DD has also just changed schools into yr4 (a decision we made on the basis she was sticking her fingers down her throat to make herself vomit in the mornings before school so she could stay at home, constantly crying/begging to change schools). I'm exhausted by it all. I'm self employed and trying to balance everything seems impossible. I was quite depressed before the summer holidays but I perked up over the holidays without the school stress. Anyway am hopeful a) that new school are less chaotic and have better pastoral care than last one b) that a diagnosis means she could get extra help c) that I'm not making it all up in my head... Because often this is how people made me feel about DD. She is lovely, creative & incredibly sensitive I just want her to be happy.

Oop! Long post apologies

[Ohmuther]

Hello hat too! Cross posted

[HaveYouSeenMyHat]

I identify with a lot of what you've said about how your DD presented early on. Seperation anxiety, poo with-holding, absolute nightmare getting her up and out of bed in the morning.

Has she started her new school yet? My DD has just started reception and I worry so much about all the things your DD has experienced.

We got the diagnosis in April. We're still getting our heads round it even though it was no surprise at all. It was a relief in a strange way (like you say, acknowledgement that we weren't "overreacting" or making stuff up) but also came with a lot of sadness. Life carries on, but hopefully with increased understanding that there's a reason DD finds certain things hard.

Be kind to yourself and your DH. Does he share your concerns about ASD?

[Ohmuther]

Yes, DH is really concerned. He's pretty sure it's ASD too, having read the profile, I think it's hit him harder than me, as he's not been as worried about her up to now as he's often at work when the mega meltdowns take place, his job is incredibly stressful too, so I think that took up most of his headspace.

She started year 4 last week. The first few days were awful, I don't think she had any idea what she was getting into, but this is a much smaller school, with a great SENCO, and areas for her to be quiet, we're in London, the last school was full-on, no space to swing a cat, masses of children with additional needs and she just went under the radar because she behaved well and kept her head down.

[Msqueen33]

I've got three girls 7,6 and 3. The youngest two have asd. Although the middle dd has ADHD alongside her autism. It's always nice to connect with people who have girls as I've only ever met one who has a girl with autism.

[Ohmuther]

Ps hat - I think if we'd had a diagnosis in reception her school experience would have been v different (at least I hope it would). It wouldn't have been me constantly saying 'somethings not right, why is she so anxious?' And school not listening and trying to convince me that everything was just wonderful.

[Ohmuther]

And hello Msqueen. Thanks for posting. Are your girls in mainstream schools? How's it going for you?

[Ineedmorepatience]

Yep massive separation anxiety here too, school was a nightmare with refusal from week 2 (week 1 was mornings only). Eventually Dd3 got too big to carry and I realised her mental health was suffering so I stopped forcing her to go.

She stopped going altogether in June 2015 just before the end of yr 7 and has been home ed ever since.

Actually, home ed suits us and we needed a break! Dd3 is massively demand avoidant so we have taken a yr out to allow her to recover and find her entusiasm for learning again. We are now considering our options for the future but for now home ed rocks and its working.

[HaveYouSeenMyHat]

I hope you're right muther. I pushed for the diagnosis to be done and dusted before school with exactly that aim. So far it has been useful I think.

It's very early days for us though. DD seems to be enjoying school so far. Her teacher is fab and DD really likes her, which helps loads. She has to go to breakfast club 2 mornings a week and that's been pretty awful leaving her. They had to peel her off me . I'm hoping that will improve with time but I'm actually really worried it won't.

My DH is still getting his head round DD's diagnosis. We have good periods where DD is on an even keel and seems happy (then we're all happy) and periods where she's very hard to live with day to day. We had a particular tough time at the start of the summer and I started to feel very down. But things have been loads better over the past month or so.

I think my DD would be similar to yours in school in some ways. Quite quiet, not a behavioural challenge, anxious but hiding it.

[HaveYouSeenMyHat]

Interesting about HE Ineed. It's something I'd definitely consider in the future if I felt DD needed it.

[Ohmuther]

Yes, Ineed - I've thought long and hard about homeschooling (before ASD was mentioned) as DD was so incredibly depressed and anxious, my biggest fear is me. I'm self employed and I really love my job - I don't work full time as DD couldn't cope but I'd be so sad to give up my job (we are also in a constant state of skint so financially I don't know how we'd manage). Our relationship is so incredibly close anyway, (she's an only child) I fear for our collective sanity homeschooling...
But I think it might be what she needs
I am just praying that she'll be happier at this new school in the long run.

[Ohmuther]

Hat - that's great news that school's going well. I found if DD could bond with her teacher it really helped.

[WillowGreen]

I am a grown up with Asperger's. I just wanted to say that the future can be great for your daughter. She sound like a younger version of myself in a lot of ways especially school anxiety. The time when I was in primary school before I was diagnosed was probably the hardest for me as I didn't realise why I couldn't do things that were so easy for other people.
There is much more support and awareness available now than ever before. In the university where I work there are more and more students with ASD every year.

[Ohmuther]

Willow thank you so much for posting! When I'm feeling strong and positive I know that DD is so strong willed and determined & such a gorgeous person she will be fine as an adult. It is the next ten years of school that concern me. DD feels so isolated and unhappy it breaks my heart. Any advice as to what I can do to help? I'm trying so hard to be strong and positive, I really do think she is a remarkable person, she just doesn't 'fit in'. Xx

[WillowGreen]

I think being diagnosed makes a big difference as she will be able to understand why she is different and come up with her own coping strategies.
Does her new school have any lunch time clubs. This can really benefit children who are anxious in the play ground. It also gives her the opportunity to meet people with similar interests. My friend teaches in a special unit in a mainstream school and she does something called circle of friends which is meant to help children with SEN make friends. Children are encouraged to do activities with a child who has SEN. Some schools also have learning mentors who are some one to talk to when you are anxious. I think it is so important for all people with ASD to have somewhere quiet to go when they are feeling overwhelmed. It is worth asking your daughters teacher about this.
I think it really helps to focus on what you are good at as this gives you a reason to feel proud of yourself. As your daughter has really good verbal skills and difficulty writing things down it might help to teacher her to used speech to text software as this will help her get down her ideas and reduce her frustration.
Most schools now do have support for children with autism but unfortunately a lot of it is geared to boys😡. However once you make friends girls can be very protective and help you understand things that you don't.

[Ohmuther]

Willow thank you. School
Is really not good for DD at the moment, she is v stressed and unhappy which makes her slower & gets her into more trouble . I hope that a diagnosis will help but CAMHS are so slow and in a critical state I think - staff leaving/off sick appointments cancelled. Am trying to stay positive and your posts have helped me. V many thanks