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Why does it still hurt................

(3 Posts)
ari11 Mon 05-Sep-16 09:52:05

when my son doesn't get invited to birthday parties anymore sad I thought by now me and my ds (age 6 currently being assessed for ASD) should be used to it as he hasn't been invited to a party for over a year. It was his first day back at school this morning he managed incredibly well with no meltdowns and was so pleased and excited to be seeing his classmates again ( i was so proud smile ) One of the boys in his class who my ds thinks of as a friend came over to the group of boys my ds was chatting with in the playground and gave out invites to all of them apart from my son. His little face just fell and he looked so upset. I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't bothered about going to parties but he really enjoys parties and would love to go. I understand that the child can't invite everyone in his class to the party but I found it so hard this morning as it was his first day back,was doing so well and he seemed so disappointed. I'm not sure what i'm asking but just felt I needed to vent and everyone has always been so supportive and helpful on these forums. I think I probably need to grow a thicker skin and man up but sometimes it just breaks my heart!!

Marshmallow09er Mon 05-Sep-16 14:32:24

flowers Ari

It's very hard when they so desperately want to be included, but then aren't.

Things that have helped me (my skin sadly isn't that thick at all; but I'm working on it!):
Focusing on the good stuff - and it sounds like your DS did amazingly well on his first morning back - big well done to him and you!
Deciding that those kids don't invite your DS are probably not the right friends for him right now (even though he might want them to be for the moment) - try and identify any glimmers of reciprocation and build on this -
(This summer my DS hasn't seen anyone from school but we have fostered a rather lovely budding friendship with a boy across the road - he's a bit younger than DS so maybe emotionally more on his level (DS is 7) - and this has done wonders for my DS, playing with him.
His mum is wonderful too (and I often find its the kind, generous parents who grow the kind, generous children) )

It still makes me a bit angry that parents think it's ok for invites to be handed out all obviously infront of ANY child that isn't invited.

Try not to take it personally (I have a younger NT DD as well and she breezes through friendships, but she definitely hasn't been invited to all that many parties either. I think it doesn't help that maybe I'm pretty shy too - at a young age a lot of the friendships are still based on the parents being friends etc)

Once they get older they will find their tribe who accepts them for who they are.

ari11 Mon 05-Sep-16 21:58:30

Thanks for your reply Marshmallow . You are so right about being the right friends at the right moment. I need to remind myself that most of the other parents are unaware of my ds difficulties/differences. We usually tell people on a need to know basis but this may change depending on the outcome of the assessment. Thankfully my son didn't seem to mind or mention it when I collected him and was happily playing with the other child while I waited to collect my dd. Maybe he's more emotionally resilient than I am smile We too have lovely neighbours with children who my ds can play with if he chooses and also a caring big sister who keeps an eye on him so I really need to keep focusing on the good stuff. Its wonderful to hear about your ds budding friendship, long may it continue to blossom smile
Thanks again.

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