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How do I teach Dd to think about how others feel

(29 Posts)
Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 09:31:33

Dd undiagnosed- has difficulty putting herself Into other shoes. I may ask "how do you think I feel?" Or her brother etc and she will say "I don't know"
How do I teach her?
She will often say "sad" yesturday she was good and said "frustrated " which I thought was good.
She then confuses me by thinking about how others may feel and think and saying things like " i put a label on X so that my classmates know what it is"
She always passes the damn theory of mind tests so and is very sociable so I can't get a dx.

So it's all about how I can intervene.

So how can I work on this with her? She needs to understand how she acts has an impact on others..

Any any other tips, I'm still rock bottom and struggling sad

Ineedmorepatience Tue 30-Aug-16 10:18:18

How old is she?

I would take a step back and make sure you explain how things make you feel!

Its one of the hardest things to learn if it doesnt come naturally to you.

If she has Asd (which is very possible if you think she does) her emotional and social development is likely to be delayed by around onethird of her chronological age so my Dd is 14 (nearly) one third off that makes her around 10 ish emotionally/socially and that is about right for her. Also remeber the gap gets bigger as they get older not smalletr. New skills can be learned but everything takes longer.

Dont beat yourself up, take your time.

Good luck flowers

Ineedmorepatience Tue 30-Aug-16 10:20:00

Sorry for the typos blush

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 10:27:23

She is 8. I do that, I tell her how I and others feel but in a non blaming way. Just try and get her to see it but I have no idea if that's the right thing to do. The only problem is that sometimes it makes her really upset and then I get "I'm such a horrible person, I'm sorry I'm giving you a miserable life" the. I feel bad as that is not what I have said at all. I'm so down. No one is helping me. I'm not supported in rl and I dream up all sorts of awful senario of my life which I can't admit here.

So back to the question just keep going? Are there any I pad apps or books or anything? I'm just desperate to help her

Ineedmorepatience Tue 30-Aug-16 10:36:07

I understand, we dont get any so called professional support either and my Dd has a dx!

Here or on closed groups on facebook is where you will getthe best support.

Maybe you should just leave it for a while, she is clearly upset when you tell her.

Could you use stories or tv shows to help instead of real life situations, that way she would not attach blame to herself.

It might not work because she might not be able to transfer the skills but you never know.

In the grand scheme of things I wouldnt put too much pressure on her, she is very young and its going to take time!


Ineedmorepatience Tue 30-Aug-16 10:42:22

I just re read my previous comment!

I think what I mean about talking to her about how things make you feel, I dont mean specific incidents I mean generally through day to day stuff.

Eg, if someone annoys you when driving or in the supermarket, verbalise how you feel when that happens. If some is rude on a tv show say how you would feel if that happened to you! Not in an in your face teaching kind of way, be more subtle make talking about feelings part of everyday life! Something Brits dont really do.

Hope that makes my post a bit clearer!

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 13:44:27

That makes perfect sense and I have done that as well. Yes I agree maybe best to lay off asking her etc and do In this way. Just want to know what I'm doing and that it's the right way.. Not sure if she can transfer the skills though to know if it could work..

Is that what you had been advised to do?
I'm quite a level headed intelligent person but my Dd has just knocked me for 6 and it is so hard to work out what the hell to do to help so I appreciate it. Wish people were around in rl too!x

Ineedmorepatience Tue 30-Aug-16 17:43:36

I have never really been given any advice from professionals for Dd3, we fly by the seat of our pants mostly and get advice forums like this as and when.

Have you ever read Tony Attwoods complete guide to aspergers? Its a really useful book, it has an index so you can dip in and out and also summaries in each chapter. You should be able to get it from your library.

zzzzz Tue 30-Aug-16 18:06:16

I think you're focusing on the wrong bit of the problem. It's a huge thing to be able to guess (and it is ALWAYS just a guess) how another feels, verbalise it, and then accept criticism about either making them feel that way or misunderstanding how they are feeling.

Trach her good manners and leave the rest

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 18:43:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 19:41:41

Oh polter that's made me laugh, we are wondering about a cat or rabbit at the moment! I was a bit worried though that the cat wouldn't do what she wanted though and she wouldn't be able to cope.
I suppose I'm trying to help her understand how others may feel so she can stop being rude etc to me but I totally get what you are saying. I just wish I knew what I was doing sad

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 19:45:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Tue 30-Aug-16 19:55:22

What does she say/do that is rude?

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 20:43:03

I love cats 😀
Rude can be things like " no I'm
Not doing xyz - you can't make me" and laughs in my face or makes a face to me or "blah blah blah" to me
Calling her brother "stupid" or other names etc.
He filled in her name on her cousins birthday card yesturday without asking and ok I get she was upset as she wanted to write her name herself however he then has to hear "that writings rubbish, you can't even spell properly it's so awful" then shout scream etc. He is 5 and was crushed sad
Then there is the if she is hungry instead of saying I'm hungry could I have some food she will often just shout "hungry" then scream.
Will come back with more, she had just got up!!

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 20:47:17

A lot of it is to
My son too and it's so damaging to him. He is so sensitive and she teases him and is cruel to him if something is t going her way or she gets frustrated takes it out in him.
He does t always helps himself though and I do see him wind her up which makes it worst but then I can't blame him as he has to put up with lots

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 20:55:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Tue 30-Aug-16 21:06:29

It sounds like she puts up with lots too. I think it sounds as though you feel she should be more emotionally mature.

Perhaps she can't be?

It might be better to assume she is the same age or younger emotionally and adjust your expectations accordingly.

You can ask for a more appropriate phrase and model it for her.

Eg "HUNGRY" gets the response " can you say "can I have something to eat, please?" And reward her if she gets it right without prompting.

Being unkind about spellings etc to punish her brother for signing her name IS nasty, but perhaps it shows just how upset she felt?

Can you give her a better way of expressing that and handling it?

Explain to her that she can tell you and you will help her make it better.
Express your disgust at her attempt to upset your son and make him feel bad about his writing.
Move away from punishing and towards solution finding.
Stress always that saying and doing things with the intent of hurting another person is loathsome and NEVER a good solution.
Make the children part of shaping the kind of family you and they want. Talk about it and try to get there.

Waitingforsleep Tue 30-Aug-16 21:22:39

Polter _ that's just the problem it's so hard to explain and my concerns are dismissed all the time. It's no wonder I feel so alone and down.
I have plenty of friends and experience and I know Dd is different. I will have to come back and explain more or try to.
Zzz thanks will digest what you saying. Just off upstairs again as I'm tired

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 21:22:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 21:25:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 21:26:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Tue 30-Aug-16 21:33:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Tue 30-Aug-16 21:38:21

The hungry thing can be easily solved by having a snack shelf. Breakfast cereal, fruit, yoghurt, cheese etc. I favour "real food" with some prep needed as that can be calming and empowering, but ds is a toast and choc spread addict and my principles are un

Cocoabutton Tue 30-Aug-16 21:43:31

I have a DS who is in the process of being assessed. His SALT worker has been doing social stories, well, teaching me to do them with him. All very early days, but will see. DS finds it hard to see another POV and can get physically aggressive. He can also be demanding. So, at the moment, I am working on basics like what feet are for (not kicking...).

I am starting work on feelings too - so, we go over the day, and things DS liked are green (I write it down, he colours), sad is blue, angry is red, and so on. It is actually just nice to be able to have that chat at the end of the day too.

But taking it apart, I feel like I am going back to basics - that is partly because I have spent a lot of time firefighting. I had to work really hard a year or so back, from 'how do you think I feel here?', to 'what does DS need right now?'. Oftentimes, it is that he needs a hug and to know x, y or z is okay. It is not a rational need, it is an emotional need.

zzzzz Tue 30-Aug-16 21:54:34

But feet can be used for walking or kicking. I go with a more blunt "no kicking people". Mine has more limited language but is emotionally hair trigger rather than the other way. I'm also probably influenced by that piece on "Quiet Hands" which I found very moving and has stayed with me.

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