Please help me work through this, I think it's my problem, not DD's

[Melawati]

DD has complex MH difficulties, ASD and ADHD. She's always had issues around food - not really sensory issues around taste and texture but with the social aspects of eating and control of food, mealtimes etc. We've been seeing a specialist dietician, who has suggested we trial giving DD complete control over her food and allowing her to eat separately.
It's just been a couple of days and it seems to be going well for DD but I hate it. I grew up with family meals around the table, and this is how we used to eat (with increasing difficult to manage behaviour from DD). We're now having family meals with our other DC, while DD is busy reading and then she eats later.
I feel so torn. I think she's happier like this, and it certainly makes a much pleasanter meal for everyone else. But I feel like we're excluding her (although of course she could come and join us if she wanted to) and that she's not part of the family any more.
If it's helping DD, why can't I be happy about it?

[Fairylea]

I agree with Polter. It is difficult to let go of what are social norms to you but autism has no social norms!

My son is 4 and has asd and never eats with us for dinner. We never eat at a table anymore and he eats most happily sat on the sofa in front of the tv eating with his fingers. He can't manage cutlery due to motor skills issues. He doesn't care whether we are eating or not, it's not socially motivating to him and he doesn't like to talk at mealtimes anyway - he finds it stressful and will eat less. He has a very restrictive diet anyway (mainly pasta, bread and cheese) and is under a dietician and we were told to do whatever makes our lives easier to encourage him to eat.. So this is it!

At lunch I will sit next to him and eat as well but for dinner he eats his and I just sit alongisde him and then I make a main meal for dh, dd and I later when he's gone to bed. He wouldn't eat what we eat anyway. He only ever eats pasta for dinner- with cheese or pesto. That's it!

[Ineedmorepatience]

It is sometimes hard to let go of our own expectations but your Dd is a person in her own right and eating with you all is not working for her. She needs calories to survive she doesnt need to sit at the table and struggle.

For what its worth, the sound of other people eating makes me feel ill sometimes. We have a mixture of family meals and tray and sofa meals. We have found a balance most of the time that works for us.

Be kind to yourself and give it time to become your new normal 💐

[Melawati]

Thanks all for your sane words. I know it's the right thing for DD, but it literally breaks my heart. I feel like she's been cast out of the family (ridiculous I know) and I feel guilty for enjoying mealtimes so much more without her there.
My other DC are younger and feels like we're playing at happy families when we have a stress free meal. So I can't help but feel it must be upsetting for her to be left out, even though it's her choice. And I think that's what I need to get over. Those are my feelings, not hers.

[Melawati]

zzzzz that's an interesting idea, but it's the sitting together she finds the hardest.
But I think what might work for her is being around just one other person, so we could try that.
She finds it very hard to share (attention, time, food, toys, anything really), and I think that might be at the root of some of the difficulties with mealtimes.

[OneInEight]

We have let ds2 do this for a couple of years. Interestingly, he can cope with two of us but not all three (regardless of who the third person is) so I would suggest giving opportunities sometimes for communal eating when there is only part of the family around. Yes, I do worry he feels rejected BUT he has increased the range of food he eats and is back to eating meals rather than snacking throughout the day on dry bread and satsuma's. So overall I think it has been a good strategy to employ.