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Condition or behaviour - the eternal question

(18 Posts)
Claennister Thu 21-Jul-16 17:47:57

How do you figure out when a child is doing something because of their condition or if it's a behaviour issue? Or do you not bother to work it out and have a different approach instead? It's even trickier because my daughter is awaiting assessment so we don't know what - if anything - they will diagnose. I suspect somewhere on the autism spectrum.

Sometimes she asks questions that seem a great deal as if she is being needlessly pedantic, perhaps rude, but maybe she simply doesn't understand. Examples (I suddenly realise that now I finally have the time to go online I can't remember what she did that sparked the question!) She will go on and on if I slightly mis-describe an object (e.g. say shoes when I mean slippers) or I ask her to do something and it doesn't even slightly occur to her that I mean do it now as opposed to some other time. She points out loudly when I said something would happen and it doesn't turn out exactly as promised.

All these sound autism-y but I am not sure what way to approach them. At the end of the day I probably still want her to try to stop doing these things, but simply telling her off and saying not to be so rude is perhaps unfair - she's not trying to be rude pointing out that they aren't shoes, she's trying to correct what she sees as a serious error and a massive distinction - maybe...

In another direction, she chews when she is anxious. First I would like to re-direct the chewing to a safe object rather than clothing, jewellery, headphone cables, etc. and of course I would like her to be less anxious. And it would be nice if she didn't chew at all. I'm sure there will be people thinking I am indulging, encouraging, condoning the chewing if I get a dedicated chewing object, but I think either way she's going to chew. And I don't want her anxiety levels to go UP by not using her outlet.

What do you do when you run into this kind of thing?

PolterGoose Thu 21-Jul-16 18:14:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 21-Jul-16 18:14:55

I think it doesn't, on some level, make any difference if you mean to be rude, or just do something rude, you still need to learn to stop or learn to endure the consequences. I live in a house full of pedants. Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it is sometimes I laugh and sometimes I explain at length how very annoying it is.

They are learning to choose when and how to correct others. Some of them take longer and need more explanation, one or more may never get there. grin

PolterGoose Thu 21-Jul-16 18:17:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 21-Jul-16 18:28:26

As far as chewing goes my opinion is that it's better to move it towards traditional mouthing activities.

So chewing gum, nails, pen ends, arms of glasses....that sort of thing. Of course most of us progressed to smoking, but that's hardly ideal. wink.

My point really is that people DO do these things all the time. Start finding the manifestations that fit with your family.

zzzzz Thu 21-Jul-16 18:30:22

Mine revel in it polt. Admittedly, me too...sometimes!

PolterGoose Thu 21-Jul-16 18:31:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 21-Jul-16 18:33:37

Apologies for weird sentences with excessive commas. blush. Got totally distracted by Dh fixing the boiler. YEEEEHAHHHH the house of pedants can bathe again! gringringringringringrin

youarenotkiddingme Thu 21-Jul-16 22:45:42

I totally get what you mean.

My ds is a pedant. He'll also correct certain words - I ignore and carry on!
Amazingly when he's speaking he doesn't use nouns to describe objects but gets annoyed that I don't immediately know what "you know that thing we last last year with the fun game - can we go there again" is!

I usually kindly point out he shouldn't be so specific about the use of shoes v slippers if he himself can only be bothered to use the word stuff!

Chewing - I'd also just find her an appropriate thing to chew.

Jasonandyawegunorts Fri 22-Jul-16 08:56:32

"you ask a question, i answer then you ask again in another way, I answer, then you reword the same question and ask again. Do you do that because you want to to change my answer?"

- my sister about me yesterday.

I like to make sure I've been understood.

youarenotkiddingme Fri 22-Jul-16 12:38:55

My ds does this too jason. I think for him if I answer in a way he doesn't expect he thinks Ive misunderstood him!

I mean, let's not consider perhaps I have my own POV and opinions grin

Jasonandyawegunorts Fri 22-Jul-16 12:48:39


Ineedmorepatience Fri 22-Jul-16 13:08:22

Op I think all of the things you describe are basically autistic things!

Dd3 and I are both seriously pedantic! We drive Dp bonkers! I can sometimes not correct him when he says something wrong but Dd3 cant!

Actually I love being pedantic, I love things to be right!

DarkWorld Wed 27-Jul-16 23:39:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 28-Jul-16 00:15:04

I think your post is quite muddled and circuitous DW, I'm not sure what you are asking.

What you are doing now is not getting the results you are looking for. The only way to change the outcome surely is to change what you are doing?

The expert advice you will receive after dx is very likely to be the parenting classes that you say don't help.

Behaviour is just behaviour, good or Nd is just our interpretation of it.

PolterGoose Thu 28-Jul-16 07:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imaginosity Sat 30-Jul-16 19:12:24

DS has autism and can come across as rude at times. I always discuss it with him - ask him what he thinks of his behaviour and what others might think. He needs to recognise that some behaviour is not acceptable if he wants to get along with others. I told him he can think whatever he likes in his head but he needs to be careful about what he says out loud.

He's 6 now and fully understands when he's being rude and how others will percieve him. In the heat of the moment, he often forgets to put in to practise what he knows. By and large now he won't comment on other people's appearances or won't shout out that someone nearby is in a wheelchair etc. He will get angry at people if they don't let him have something he wants.
I'm hoping as he gets a bit older he'll get better and better at it.

sarrah30 Sun 14-Aug-16 11:50:43

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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