I'd appreciate hearing from parents of children with special needs that have 3+ children,

[ButterfliesInStomach]

I've just discovered I'm pregnant with no.3
I'm really nor sure how I feel but I know I'm scared and worried and generally just very unsure. My DH is saying that he doesn't want this child and is not going to change his mind. .

My eldest son has special needs, he's 5 and my youngest son has recently turned 1.

Some of the reasons I have never ruled out having a third child is because I think that there will be times DS2 could feel like an only child so another NT sibling would be good for him, I think that child no 3 and DS2 will be a great support to each other later on in life and to DS1 as he grows up.

However, now I'm actually here I'm scared. Scared of how I'll cope with a not very hands on husband, I love him dearly but he isn't the most involved super-dad and struggles a bit with aspects of fatherhood. When / if this baby comes DS1 will be 6 and still unable to do much for himself and DS2 will be19 months.

What if DH doesn't support my decision to have this child at all? What if it tears us apart. We live in a small 3 bed-roomed house, we don't earn very much money. How will we ever afford 2 lots of childcare, a bigger car; how will we ever leave the house again!

Basically I'd appreciate hearing form you if you have more than two children and one of them has special needs.

What's the best thing about it, what's the worst?

I'd really appreciate some food for thought and points to think about when DH and I sit down and discuss what we do next.

[coppertop]

Hi BFIS. Sorry you're having to deal with all this extra stress.

I have 3 children. Ds1 is 6 and has ASD, ds2 is nearly 4 and has ASD, and dd is 10mths and so far seems NT.

In some ways things are easier with 3 than 2 (for me at least). When one ds is hiding in a corner somewhere and wants to be left alone, the other one has someone other than me to talk to or play with. Dd has her 2 brothers wrapped around her little finger.

The downside is probably having to take dd along to all the appointments. She seems to enjoy it but it would be easier if I could focus all of my attention on whoever the appointment is with.

We don't have a car so I'm not much help there, I'm afraid. The school and pre-school are within walking distance so it's not really a problem for us.

The prospect of getting out and about with 3 does seem daunting at first. The first time I took all 3 out together it felt as though I was trying to mobilise a small army. After the first few times it got a lot easier.

It might be worth investigating what extra income you would be entitled to, eg child benefit, tax credits (a higher rate for the 1st year of the baby's life), help with childcare costs etc. Presumably you already get DLA for your ds?

Good luck with whatever you decide. xx

[Mitchell81]

I haven't had my third child yet, but have planned to start trying when DS is 1, DD who is 6 has special needs, she is in a wheelchair, unable to walk, doesn't communicate, but has lots of smiles and laughter for her little brother who's 7 months.
I feel that DS needs someone to run around with and get the sibling rivalry etc, that he won't get from DD. I know it will be hard, but I think it will be worth all the difficulties. Have a 7 seater already and looking at getting a 4 bed house.
Are you sure your DH isn't just shocked and will soon come round to the idea of having another child.
I know DD will benefit from having lots of siblings. And I would love more children, I am a SAHM so that does help, with child care costs.
Sorry this probably doesn't help you, but I am sure you will all be fine with 3 children, just need lots of planning.

[Jimjams2]

ds1 is severely autistic (7), ds2 NT (5) ds3 NT (2). DS3 was unplanned. I felt the same way as you. Also knew that ds3 was high risk for autism etc etc. It has been hard work, but during my pregnancy I contacted social services and arranged direct payments, which means we can afford help- an extra pair of hands. Now ds2 and ds3 are playing together, and tbh it's lovely to see their relationship. Also think that it will be good in the future for ds1 to have 2 siblings (theoretically) to care about him. Now ds3 is 2, and ds2 is at school, some things are getting easier.

[theheadgirl]

Hi Butterfly,
I'm on my own with 3DD, the youngest has SN. We're doing OK, as other posters have said, I glad my elder two can "share" the experience of a sibling with very obvious SN, and don't have to go through it alone so to speak. As a family we do loads of stuff together and I am very on the ball with claiming ANY benefits we're entitled to (checkout entitledto dot com).
My main issues are to do with having another adult to share the load, so I would say really get your DH joining in and doing his share. As you say he's not a hands on Dad but i'm sure he's there for you for all the other domestic stuff that keeps the wheels of family life going.
Life hasn't turned out how I thought it would, but I'm doing OK, I have a job that I enjoy and I love time with my girls. I wish you lots of luck xxxx

[ButterfliesInStomach]

Thank you for the replies.
It's good to read all the positive stories.
It's really useful in helping me to realise how I feel about the decision we face.

[pussinslippers]

i havn't posted before, so I hope this works. Your story sounded so familiar. I unexpectedly found I was pregnant again when my boys were 3 and 5. DS1, who has Aspergers/HF autism and OCD, was becoming increasingly obviously 'different', hard to manage, and having an awful time at school.
DH was appalled, said there was just no way he could cope with a third child, and quite strongly suggested abortion for the sake of our sanity.

She's 5 now, and he adores her. Oldest child loves her and she admires him, which doesn't happen to him that much otherwise (he can reach high shelves and turn computers on). Middle one has lots of 'normal' love-hate sibling interaction.

That just leaves the car, and the fact that you're not going to get much sleep ever again...

[Jimjams2]

our car thing worked quite well- ds1 was awarded higher rate mobility shortly after I found out I was pregnant- so we went for the "free" car option (I know its not free but it is easier than finidng the money to buy one).

[wads]

I agree with coppertop about worst thing being dragging other 2 to therapy etc but think as far as my DS (6yo) is concerned, no dx but prob hfa or as, DD1 (2yo) has been the best therapy ever for him & I'm hoping that DD2 who's only 3 months will add to that(unless of course she's another sn ). My DH is also completely hands off & when I got pregnant with DD2 I thought our marriage was over as he didn't speak to me for 4 days. Also I think that men have a harder time accepting their kid is SN & it's only the last year or so that DH has started to do things with DS like swimming, cinema etc as before that DS's lack of communication made him rather hard work to be with for my DH. Good luck with your DH, I know what a tough decision it seems when you think you may have to choose between your kids & your marriage

[ButterfliesInStomach]

I can't tell you how much you've helped, in my case and hopefully in DH's.
I printed off your messages and gave them to him to read.
We didn't say a word but her read every word quietly and afterwards he looked at me, smiled and gave a little laugh.
I'm probably reading far too much into that look but at least he didn't say 'whatever, I still don't want this baby'.

[ButterfliesInStomach]

We're going for it
Wohooooooooooooooooo!

I'll be back to talk more about how and stuff under my real MN name when I'm safe iykwim.

I'm just so releived, so happy and so, so scared.

[theheadgirl]

Woohooo indeed, great news. Look after yourself, and remember to try to enjoy it, you're HAVING A BABY

[2mum]

Hi BIS congratulaltions on baby no.3! I dont have 3 children but ive got 2 children who both have sn. My ds1 has adhd and my ds2 has low functioning autism. I dont know what it would be like with 3 kids personally i think if only my ds1 has sn i would have wanted another child. But i would be worried of the risk of a third child having sn. I think it will be good for both your sons to have another brother or maybe a sister! Good luck with everything.

[eidsvold]

i did not post on here at first - not sure what to say.

we live in a 3 bedroom house - the two older girls will share when the baby comes - in fact they are sharing now. We have a large play room so that helps with the space issue.

I guess I am very lucky as dh is a very hands on dad - well as much as he can be when he is not working BUT definitely a huge help.

We have not had no3 - Due in Mar but I went through all those thoughts - OMG how will I cope with three when I have two monkeys and dragging three of them to therapy and swimming etc.

What makes it a little easier - dd1 is in sn kindy 2 full days and mainstream kindy 2 full days to other than the logistics of picking her up from kindy with dd2 and a babe. The only really busy day will be Wed - two lots of different therapy at different places and swimming lessons - all crammed into the morning.

I believe that no3 will just slot in as dd2 has and this will become their reality. For dd2 - going out means going to therapy, playing with the salt or physio. It means going to sn kindy to drop dd1 off.

I know how much dd1 has benefitted from having dd2 and vice versa BUT I also think the two girls will benefit from having another sibling. Had I been younger - we might have gone for more children - well I would have - not sure about dh.

Even now - 8 weeks out from having no3 - sometimes when the girls are being right little monkeys dh and I look at each other an wonder how on earth we will cope. We just figure we will.

sorry for the ramble - hope that helps.

As to managing there - I will let you know in about 6 months time. ALthough with dd2 the real challenge came when she was mobile and especially walking... before that it was so much easier.

[Mitchell81]

Butterflies, I am so pleased that it has all worked out for you. Good Luck, when does No. 3 arrive?
Glad DH came round to the idea of having 3 DC.

[luckylady74]

hi - just wanted to add that my ds1 is 4yr withas and although the 2 yr old twins were hard for him to handle at first i think they really set a good example of playing and so on for him and they include him which his peers don't. the twins have each other/play with each other and therefore i have more time for me and ds1. Now he's started school it's good - i can devote myself to enjoying them in the day and then focus on him b4 and after and we do 1on1 things at the weekends when they nap. The first 6 months were crap but having 3 now feels good because i think i'd worry about a single younger sibling whereas my 2 giggle together oblivious when there's a melt down occuring 6 feet away.
Good luck and congratulations

[eidsvold]

BIS - congratulations TeeCee - since you have outed yourself on other threads I am going to be cheeky and out you here.

all the best for sept - remember 24th is the best date

[geekgrrl]

so is that you, TC? WOW!!!

I missed this due to my tumultuous week but here's my experience...

As you know, I have 3 children - dd1 is 7, dd2 with DS is 5 (nearly 6) and then there's ds who is 3.

Most of the time it's fab having three. Dd2 and ds have been best mates for a long time now and can play together for hours and hours. All the kids are very close and it's lovely to see them together (not when they're arguing, mind!). We also find it extremely reassuring that dd2 will eventually have 2 siblings looking out for her when she's an adult, and of course it will be nice for dd1 that she will have a sibling without SN to talk to when she is an adult and dh and I become a bit senile or whatever.
On the downside, it's bloody hard work at times but I do think that's evened out by how much dd2 and ds play together without requiring adult input.
Holidays become v. expensive, and outings become more difficult. On my own I will only brave soft play centres with all three together, although I have flown on my own with them a few times (not fun!!!).

I do really like having three, and dh... well, dh has been asking whether we could have another (NO!!! I said).

Anyway, good luck, how exciting for you all.

[Jimjams2]

ha ha I thought it was you TC (changing the genders didn't fool me )Do get in contact with SS re direct payments- extra help makes a big difference

[Jimjams2]

oh and congratulations

[geekgrrl]

[laughs hollowly at the thought of help from SS]

whilst they've taken abnout 10 hours of my precious child-free time to write their sodding reports, they have not helped in Any Single Way.

[Jimjams2]

Have you requested direct payments? it took a year to organise in our case, but has been worth it.

[geekgrrl]

I have, and was told they had no money at all to give out.

[Jimjams2]

If they would offer you respite in other forms then they have to provide direct payments if you request it. Full stop. It's the law. I can help to remind them of that. You should also have a voluntary (non ss) agency in your area that helps people with direct payments. Would be worth giving them a call (SS will be able to give you their number). They sorted out the whole lot for me.

[Jimjams2]

not I (although I could ) It.