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Girls with ASD and friendships

(16 Posts)
FiveHoursSleep Sat 09-Jul-16 22:31:57

My Y8 DD2 turns 13 next week and for the second time in two years has had no acceptances to her birthday party invites.
She's really upset, but to be fair she struggles with friendships because of her ASD and it may be that some of these girls hardly know her at all.
Last year she invited her whole class for a pool party at the end of term and no one turned up, so this year she just invited 6 others but all have declined. they were to have a swim, then pizza and Ice cream, then those who wanted to stay over could.
She was especially looking forward to the sleepover.
She doesn't seem to have any particular friends at all although her teachers describe her as friendly and kind and say she's never alone at school.
She had friends at primary school but secondary has just not been as inclusive. She's at a fairly academic Girls' school and her class doesn't sound hugely bitchy, compared to my eldest daughters class. DD1 has a bunch of friends who experience the usual teen dramas as far as I can tell.
If you have a daughter with ASD , who goes/went to a mainstream school, did it get easier as they got older?
How did they make friends? I do think that DD2 spends far too much time reading when she could make more of an effort to practice her social skills.

PolterGoose Sun 10-Jul-16 08:35:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveHoursSleep Sun 10-Jul-16 08:48:17

Thanks for replying.
I'd rather they didn't but DD1 (Y9) goes to and has parties, so I take my lead from that.
DD2 reads and goes online a lot to chill out after school, so I do understand her need to do that.
She's just really upset about having no friends, she really wants some and I'm just looking some reassurance that she will find 'her people'.
I'm not sure it's a given.

PolterGoose Sun 10-Jul-16 08:57:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveHoursSleep Sun 10-Jul-16 09:06:50

Yes, I think I'm on the spectrum myself and agree with what you are saying.
She has been invited to a few parties that she's turned down because she doesn't particularly like the girls involved. I know two of the girls she has invited are very popular , she knows them from primary school and so their mums would probably make them come if I asked but I'm not sure it's doing her any favours.
Her school is a real mix of girls, not just all academic or sporty, and I am certain there must be some there who would suit her but how to find them?
I know a lot of autistic girls get on better with boys but DD2 has decided she is gay and so has no interest in boys, as friends or otherwise.

BlunderWomansCat Sun 10-Jul-16 12:18:52

I have twin girls (9) with HFA and they really literally have 2 female friends. They both get on much better with boys, last year there were 2 girls and 10 boys at their party. I must admit I'm very apprehensive of them coping socially in high school.

BlunderWomansCat Sun 10-Jul-16 12:21:06

Funnily enough boys seem to really enjoy their company too, maybe because they are more literal and straight forward than non ASD girls.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 10-Jul-16 13:08:50

flowers I understand where you are coming from from a parents POV.

My DS (11) wants to have friends and be social. He does not navigate social niceties well at all. I'm always being told he talks to everyone - but people do not get that he is usually monologing at them and doesn't have a true friendship. It isn't beyond that actual moment iyswim?

Is there any groups or clubs around your DD may enjoy joining? It may be she finds like minded people there.

Convenientflush Sun 10-Jul-16 15:36:00

My DD is 9 and doesn't have any friends at her current school. She invited 3 girls in her class to her party last month and I didn't even get a RSVP!

She also spends all day with her nose in a book, and doesn't go out to play at break times so this is perhaps unsurprising.

She would never be friends with a boy either, she barely acknowledges they exist most of the time. Which is a shame I think.

So I totally feel your pain. She does have some friends from her old school, which she keeps in touch with mainly because I'm friends with their mums. But I can't see these friendships lasting into the teen years.

It's hard because she does want friends but doesn't seem to know how to make or maintain a friendship. I feel your pain.

zzzzz Sun 10-Jul-16 17:08:08

I think it happens to nt girls too sad

My own feeling is that 1:1 is easier for both girls. For us y7 and y8 are socially hard years. The children calm and get...well...nicersmile. Hang in there and remember that it's feeling liked and liking yourself that matters not where that feeling comes from. ANY one can be her friend, in my experience age/gender/position are of very little importance. (And frankly if she can start learning that at 13 she will be a happier more rounded person than an equivalent child with a besty).

FiveHoursSleep Sun 10-Jul-16 20:58:07

My DD3(10) has also been diagnosed recently and she has one good female friend. She used to have a bunch of boyfriends but now prefers to 'scare' them. We have a younger son and she took the cub/scout route so practices on the boys in her pack each week!

Ineedmorepatience Mon 11-Jul-16 11:40:19

My Dd3 is 13 and has Asd, she has one good friend who is female. Shenis home ed and the teen group we mix with is mixed and no one seems to need to be in groups or girls or boys they just mix with the group who are doing what they want to do.

I agree with polter that the reading is probably a way to cope with the world, to disappear at difficult times and to be in the group without actually being within it!

When I was at school I flitted between social groups but didnt fit into any, I am an extrovert with Asd so I can do groups if I need to but tend to control them or take a lead role.

We stopped parties at 7 for each of my girls, Dd3 was happy not to do it anymore. She has done day trips and stuff since, we have only had one sleep over and that was with a friend from primary who also has Asd, they played minecraft separately and slept in separate rooms grin

It is worrying but it may be worrying you more than her! Friends are hard work ime!

FiveHoursSleep Mon 11-Jul-16 17:53:35

No, she's really upset about it and wants friends.
I'm fairly antisocial myself , so if she wasn't worried, I wouldn't be either.
Two of the girls she went to primary school with and know her quite well have agreed to come for a swim and pizza and the sleep over, so DD is happier now.
The sleep over seemed to be a big thing for her.
I have emailed her HOY at school and we are going to see if we can encourage her to join a couple of clubs next year in an effort to introduce her to people who share her interests.

Ineedmorepatience Mon 11-Jul-16 18:16:54

That is definitely the way to go. My eldest was a square peg in primary but at secondary she slotted in really well with the musical people. Once you can find a niche it can be easier.

My youngest Dd3 just needed more support all round at secondary.

Ineedmorepatience Mon 11-Jul-16 18:17:45

Good news about her birthday though, hope it goes well.

FiveHoursSleep Tue 12-Jul-16 12:12:46

DD2 is quite musical, just doing G4 trombone and grade 5 piano, and has singing lessons, but she's reluctant to join bands and orchestras and choirs.
I think I'm going to give her a push in this direction as she like performing but the thought of rehearsing seems to do her head in.

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