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How best to respond to other parents?(10 Posts)
I'm looking for some advice from parents who have been there, done that and found a way through...
DD has started having meltdowns at transition points: leaving the house, going into shops etc. She is currently receiving therapeutic support, which seems to be helping, but meltdowns still occur. I'm getting pretty good at containing them until we can get to a safe space, but not 100% there yet.
I've developed a thick skin to the looks I get from other parents when DD is screaming and shouting on the floor, even when she is calling me awful names. I nearly burst into tears when one lovely lady gave me a reassuring smile in the supermarket and said I was a great mum (as I picked DD off the floor and abandoned my shopping basket in the aisle as we just had to get out of there).
At ballet yesterday, DD had an epic meltdown getting ready and nothing I could do could bring her round. Another mother tried to help by distracting DD, but it was a hindrance really because DD is really shy and hates strangers taking to her. I was trying to get DD to a place where we could get her clothes on and leave, abandoning any thought of going to the lesson, when one of the dads came over and said that no-one else should have to put up with DD's noise and we should leave.
I felt utterly humiliated, but managed to get DD's things together, picked her up in her leotard and took her out of the building. Then burst into tears.
Sorry for the essay! Two questions:
- should I have said something to him? What?
- what do I do when I see him next week? Ignore?
Grateful for words of wisdom please
I haven't been in this situation myself but you sound as though you are doing a sterling job and it must be tricky.
Does your Dd have SN? Its mentioned in your post but given that you post on this board I assume that is the case.
I would have put the dad on his place. He has no right whatsoever to talk to you like that and demand that you leave .
I would probably run this also via the ballet group provider. your Dd should be able to attend ballet without being treated like that. That is horrible and totally out of order. where was the teacher in this?
coffee - we think so, but no formal diagnosis. DD is adopted and has issues stemming from that. I'm hoping that posters on this board will have done helpful insight, as I suspect they may have had a similar experience
The teacher was in the room as the lesson had started (I had hoped DD would come round and be able to pop in late). I will get in touch with them (I feel I owe them an spology, as I know it was disruptive. It's never happened in the twelve months that she has been doing this class, though, so I suspect they - and the other parents - just thought she was being a spoilt brat)
He sounds so rude!
My son has asd and learning difficulties and I tell most people we come into contact with because his behaviour is so strange (for want of a better word, sorry) people stare and wonder what's "wrong" - or if he's having a meltdown they can give me very rude glares. I find most people quite sympathetic and nice when I tell them. The thing I struggle with most is at supermarket check outs when the till staff try to make conversation with him and he completely ignores them (or seems to). He is 4 and becomes selectively mute and won't engage with them at all, which is fine so I just explain to them.
I think if I were you I would ignore the dad next time but if there is another confrontation I would tell him or anyone else that your dd has special needs and you are dealing with the situation the best you can. I would throw in a stern glance and then ignore them and carry on.
It's very difficult.
Poor both of you.
If your child does have SN (even if they are transient) there is little you can do to just make them disappear for other people's convenience.
Apologise for disruption as you would if your baby cried or pooped inconveniently. Don't however apologies for being. It's a subtle difference but one you need to ingest. It will give you strength.
There is no need to deal with this rude individuals impatience AT ALL. You may ignore him and focus on your child's needs. Should you want to
make him feel like a prick interact with him, speak in a low but carrying voice , thank him for his comments and point out that while they might release some pent up stress for him you are sure it is clear to everyone else that your child has additional needs which is why they are not making things worse by adding to your difficulties.
I have been known to add if they persist "oh do go away you are shaming yourself"
. I do have a tendency to sound like a governess when flustered though.
The important thing is that you and Dd have done nothing wrong. You are both welcome in the world and must keep doing the things you want in the community.
So many adults of the world forget what it's like to be a child.
I would speak to dance teacher. Just say DD is going through a difficult time, therapists are involved and suggest ways she can help. You don't need to explain any more than that. But it may be helpful to have her in board iyswim?
As for the dad. I'm afraid I'm another who would have just stared at him and said "yiur time would be better spent working on your own ignorance"
But then I'm another who is at the point of realising my own DS needs me most at those times and adults can get on and amuse themselves
I am sorry you have had to deal with such ignorance. Its difficult enough to deal with a meltdown without the stares and the rude comments. Recently we took our ds on a flight and he had a huge meltdown. I very briefly apologised to the person in front of him whose seat he was kicking but I did not dwell on that side of it. As soon as was possible we moved to where the cabin crew were stationed and they gave ds the space he needed to calm down. They were brilliant. The cabin manager gave me a reassuring hug (I too was upset and saying never again) and said to me 'your child has as much right to travel as anyone, don't forget it. Anybody who buys a ticket on our flights are aware they fly with the general public and could be sitting on or near anybody. If they don't accept that then they can pay to fly in a private jet .' This made me feel so much better, and though I do understand and accept that it is noisy, disturbing, inconvenient etc etc to have someone near you that does not do what you want them too. Quite frankly, its tough shit. Or should we go back to the days when we had no tolerance or inclusion. So I would suggest the following in a stern go away
fuck off voice;- ' I don't remember asking for your opinion!'
ps. definately speak to the teacher and get them on board.
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