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can I do a safe aibu here?

(68 Posts)
DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 20:08:31

Not having a good evening. Our neighbours have three children aged eight, six and three, who often spend time in the garden, making the noise you'd expect. We are out there prob slightly less often, but when we are Ds sometimes, being the way he is, can be very noisy when he's stressed or excited. Today I was cooking while Ds played outside. He started reciting a line from a tv prog to himself. Next door were having dinner outside and their boys thought Seb was being hilarious and were giggling, which egged Ds on etc. Suddenly I could hear the mother say very sharply to Ds "can you be quiet please ds" I was stunned, Ds immediately silent and he ran and hid by the side of the house. Dh came home 10 mins later and he went next door - apparently they said Ds's noise levels were challenging and could we talk to him - well if it was that easy I would do it! They also apologised, but I feel really upset. It's just another instance of people being less than understanding... I don't often talk about it but there have been a few. I just don't get it, I would NEVER say anything to them about their kids' noise, or anybody's. Dh spelt it out to them today that it wasn't as easy as just talking to ds. They looove their garden and are out there every possible moment and seem to suddenly find ds an imposition. We have been neighbours for nearly 10 years and I'm stunned and upset.

DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 20:10:00

When I say ds is sometimes noisy I mean regularly, but it spikes, at other times he's fine. Am I meant to lock him up?

DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 20:51:34

This is the problem with the sn board... No replies.

apple1992 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:54:48


DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 21:23:51

Thank you

zzzzz Mon 20-Jun-16 21:24:07

It's the time not the board. Most of us have children who take longer to get to bed.

zzzzz Mon 20-Jun-16 21:27:00

I don't think any of you are being unreasonable. Dh has explained. Neighbours will adjust. You will cope and the garden will get more friendly to you with time.

Some parts of disability CAN'T be swept neatly away. Ds can't be quieter and he can't just be quiet when asked.


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:27:22

They should be more understanding. Plus they have 3 kids..I can't imagine they are quiet. I'd be annoyed too.

DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 21:53:12

They make noise which is fine and normal. I thought they'd known us long enough to know and understand better...even if she was struggling she should have talked to me not snapped at ds

zzzzz Mon 20-Jun-16 22:11:45

Dh has explained so now they do understand a bit more. It would be very normal to as a nt child if they could be quiet while you were eating in this scenario, so they really may have meant no harm.

It IS horrid because he has had a horrid experience because he is disabled and you will feel worse because it is in your garden, but try not to expect it to be awful. It can be fine and get back to normal but only if you EXPECT everyone to make it work.

DorothyL Mon 20-Jun-16 22:29:19

Ds couldn't see what they were doing because of the hedge and their ds's were cracking up laughing so even though I could hear ds I didn't think there was a problem.

I wouldn't have minded a friendly "ds,,would you mind stopping that while we're eating?" But her tone was really really harsh.

zzzzz Mon 20-Jun-16 23:44:13

2 weeks ago ds knocked a mans sunglasses off a table in a café. Not only did they break but ds was being silly. He was all over the place that day and the man was very very angry. I apologised obviously and offered to pay for the glasses. He was having none of it and told me just how much better he was at controlling his children. In fact he was SO scary angry that we had to leave.
From his point of view he went to a café and wanted a quiet cup of coffee. Ds ruined that for him.

But ds can't help being who he is. He can't stop bounding or talking sometimes. He can't help that if I try to stop him in the normal way that he will freak out.

Your ds wouldn't have meant to be "too loud" and she probably didn't mean to be harsh. I should think she was pissed off with her children for laughing and wondering how to handle theat.

She might of course just be a twat, but it sounds like you have muddled along so far so could it just be an awful evening?

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 06:19:43

I'm sure it was just a bad evening etc for her and I should give her the benefit of the doubt etc

but I'm just so tired of it all

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 21-Jun-16 06:38:26

Having thought about this..if she is normally OK then maybe it really was just a bad day. ..stressed..or maybe bad PMS?

I know how awful these things are though and how it makes you feel uncomfortable in your house.

It might help if you could speak to her and tell her how you feel and clear air but i understand that would be hard. She maybe feels awful about it too though. flowers

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 06:42:29

I'm rubbish and would probably start crying copious tears as soon as I opened my mouth...

Apparently they said to dh that ds was getting worse and that's just not true. They used to let their ds sometimes invite my ds over for a bit of a play (and vice versa), but not anymore, which also makes me sad. It was one of the good things in ds's life, where he doesn't have friends really.

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 06:43:45

I feel that she should come and try and speak to me really?

GrimmauldPlace Tue 21-Jun-16 06:51:13

If she wanted her DC to stop laughing she should have spoke to them. Sorry but no way should she say anything to your DS who was in his own garden. She doesn't own the fucking sound waves.

I also don't understand the need to be quiet when people are eating? Why? Noise doesn't stop me eating.

I agree that it does sound like it was a bad day for your neighbour or something if you've known her 10 years and there's never been a problem. That doesn't make it ok though. Good on your DH for chatting to her, hopefully she will be more tactful next time. Plus she apologised.

My DS is disabled. DD is NT. They both make loads of noise in the garden. It's what kids do and why shouldn't they. As long as it's not early morning or late evening then if you live next door to people you should expect noise outside.

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 06:55:25

When it was good weather a couple of weeks ago their children were out until 9.30 pm, I was sitting in the garden and would have loved it to be quiet but would never ever have said anything.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 21-Jun-16 07:32:42

I didn't mean it was OK if she was having a bad day.

I just thought that might help OP if she thought it was a one off not concerted unhappiness,

GrimmauldPlace Tue 21-Jun-16 07:46:08

Oh I know you didn't fanjo

GrimmauldPlace Tue 21-Jun-16 07:47:29

Exactly op, we'd all love a bit of peace in our gardens. Unfortunately when you live so close to people it's part of life though. Which is why when I win the lottery I will be buying a nice big house in the middle of nowhere grin

zzzzz Tue 21-Jun-16 08:00:57

If I had made food for my family in the evening and laid a table and the child next door was making lots of noise I'd ask them to be quiet. Just as if we are out and about I ask my children to be quieter if they are disturbing another table in a cafe (not all of them can but we try).

Honestly? I think if he was nt it would be a non-issue, but he isn't and so it's a huge issue. The comments about "getting worse" show just how little she really understands.

The best outcome will be for her to understand his difficulties and for her to feel you care about how they impact her however minor the inconvenience.

I cried for 2 days over the blasted sun glasses, because I was so fucking pleased there was somewhere we were welcome and it felt like we weren't. sad.

Try for the life you want. Be brave and go and talk to her yourself.

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 08:28:09

I dunno isn't it a bit different when it's people in their own homes?

I always thought we had an understanding of mutual tolerance, but this seems to be her saying that her family's noise is more agreeable than ours.

I start crying even thinking about talking to her. I've tried talking to people before, they usually suggest counselling for me or being stricter with ds. The onus always being on us not them.

Ds is also physically disabled (dwarfism). How about people count their blessings they have healthy ny children!?!?!?

DorothyL Tue 21-Jun-16 08:31:34


zzzzz Tue 21-Jun-16 08:34:41

It's different in that you are more invested in the outcome because you have to live with it.

brew I do know it's awful. sad

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