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How do I stop over analysing DS's every move?

(12 Posts)
lowcrabdiet Sat 07-May-16 14:33:48

DS (4.5) has suspected aspergers/hfa. CYPS discharged but agreed he has some behaviours/traits that are worth us monitoring and if we are still concerned in 6 months we can ask for a re-referal.

Ed psych is seeing DS next month (6 months after I signed the school consent form!). School have also requested that we consent to play therapy for DS. At this stage I'll sign almost anything.

I feel like I am watching DS like a hawk. Some days if he was given a diagnosis I would happily get it printed on a t shirt so that I don't have to feel so ashamed during his (fairly rare) public meltdowns and (pretty regular) rude comments and tone.

But then I have other days where I find myself desperately trying to prove there is nothing 'wrong' with him (sorry I hope that doesn't offend anyone).

A diagnosis would certainly take a tonne of guilt off my shoulders and (i hope) will help any new teachers he comes across to try and overlook how flipping obnoxious he can be at times. So why the hell do I find myself trying to push things in the other direction?

I thought I was doing a pretty good job of accepting him for who he is. I absolutely adore him, and wish school and his classmates could see the good side of him too.

Sorry this has turned I to a real ramble. Feel free to pass by without replying. I think sometimes just writing things down helps me to make some sense of the chaos we find ourselves in this yea.

Runningtokeepstill Sat 07-May-16 17:04:26

I think this is pretty normal really. As parents if we start to notice something "different" about our child we want reassurance. We want a diagnosis if appropriate, but we don't want to feel we are raising concerns when none are there. It's perfectly possible to go from thinking whatever concerns us is obvious one day and completely absent the next. And if, in the middle of this you get some "wait and see" advice from the professionals, then it is hard to just "wait and see".

From what you say, school are on board so far and they are getting the Ed Psych involved. So if you go for a re-referral for ASC diagnosis then you should have some more evidence for them to consider.

lowcrabdiet Sat 07-May-16 17:45:18

Thanks Running it's so helpful to hear other people's opinions. I sometimes feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place...

My family and many of my friends think there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary with DS (which I know in my heart is not true).

And school have been heavily hinting at aspergers since late last year and in his home school diary seem so negative about him (but I know he has so many positive traits and behaviours).

I feel like there is no one else here with me on the middle ground, well no one except for DH, who is wonderful, but who very much defers to me in all of this.

I guess maybe I'm struggling because it was school and not me who first thought DS could be on the spectrum. It's taken me a long time to accept their point of view. I made a lot of excuses at first.

I am a lot more accepting of the likelihood he has asd now, but then everytime DS has a good day I immediately start to question everything again confused

I really need to switch off my brain sometimes wink

Runningtokeepstill Sat 07-May-16 18:51:29

It can be tricky. What we see in our own children is their personalities so sometimes others see something we've missed. Well not missed but interpreted differently. So Tom is just Tom with all the wonderful things about him we love and his obsessive interest in bottle tops , fear of vacuum cleaners and fascination with spinning is just part of him being Tom. If you see what I mean. Whereas others might wonder if there are a few ASC traits there. And others might say well there's nothing unusual in this for a child of 5, which without other signs would also be true. So getting the Ed Psych in does seem like it will be helpful.

Regarding the home school book, it depends how the school use it. Some schools only note down issues of concern so may not say anything if all appears to have gone well. This doesn't really take into account the difficulties some dc have in just doing the "expected". For example when my oldest ds was in year one he once ran out of the classroom at the end of the day and bit me on the leg. The running out like a bat out of hell was normal but the biting had never happened before. It turned out that as his class was very "lively" the head had come in and spent a large part of the day in their classroom and told them she'd be watching their behaviour. "And I've had to be good all day!"

It's also possible that they could be using what they record in the book as evidence that ds isn't coping and needs more help. But if there's always a list of problems it sounds like they aren't meeting his needs currently and it may be worth discussing this with them.

lowcrabdiet Sat 07-May-16 21:44:26

Aw Running your poor boy. He must have been working so hard that day.

I suspect you are right about the school using it as a way to gather evidence for further referal/assessments.

I think you are also right that they are not currently meeting his needs. I guess it's hard for them (as it is for us) in that his needs have changed a lot this year, particularly in school.

He has gone from having huge meltdowns when it's time to go in and spending the morning sitting alone and refusing to interact with anyone. To now going in really happily and trying to play with the other kids. But he ends up pushing them and shouting at them, or hugging and kissing them when the other kids really don't want him to.

We meet regularly with his teacher and the inclusion officer at school. And the next meeting in June will include the ed psych. His teacher is lovely, but I don't know how much they understand about hfa.

There are 2 other children in the class with diagnosises(sp?). They present with much more classic signs of autism. Whereas I know that my DS can just look like an obnoxious, spoilt little bugger a lot of the time.

I really appreciate you replying to me. I feel like I'm just typing in a stream of consciousness. So i think you are bit amazing for sticking with me here flowers

Ekorre Sun 08-May-16 20:03:22

We are also crawling through diagnosis for ds (5yo). A year wait for CAMHS, god knows when for Ed Psych.

I know exactly what you mean about analysing everything. My son is very variable in different settings, with different people. Some days he is confident and excellent at engaging with people, later he is screaming and hitting me, echolalia etc.

One of the reasons I want a diagnosis for him is so that this is he/isn't he ends. We previously saw a paed who said he could be autistic but on balance she felt he was fine. Then he started school and all went wrong. So I've been through the relief and then sinking feeling of actually he is going to find things difficult.

I'd like to just get on with things now.

Despite seeing everywhere that early intervention is so important, the actual attitude is "wait and see" ie GO AWAY. I've been told the things I've been working on with him at home and the supportive school I chose for him are probably masking what is going on. So WTF am I supposed to do? Terrorise him so they can see more clearly...

Kleinzeit Sun 08-May-16 21:41:04

Aw, your poor wee man, sounds as if he's been through a hard time. It’s really good that he is happy to go in to school now. And it is also good that he is trying to play with the other kids even though he’s not always totally successful at it - many less able kids don’t even try. Looking like an obnoxious spoilt bugger can be an effect of Asperger’s (my DS has an Asperger’s diagnosis and he can come across as very arrogant and rude, I have a fund of funny stories about things he's said that weren’t so funny at the time!) so it is reassuring that your DS’s school don’t write him off as just badly behaved. A diagnosis might bring access to a specialist social & communications skills group which would help him to behave more appropriately with his friends. And yes, I am sure he has many positive traits and the school do know it, but they are logging his problems in the diary because they are evidence that he needs extra help.

It looks as if the school would back you up if you did ask for a re-referral and he might benefit from some extra help, so I can’t see any harm. But I can only sympathise over your feelings of uncertainty. It takes a long time to adjust and it is very hard to make peace with a diagnosis that you might not even get. And to be honest though my DS was diagnosed years ago there are still some days when I think “maybe it was all a huge fuss over nothing”. But then there are other days when I think “How could I ever have thought he was NT?” So it's not easy.


lowcrabdiet Mon 09-May-16 18:32:25

Ekkore I think i am approaching the position that you are in now... wanting the is he/isn't he to be over.

When CYPS discharged us I was so chuffed, but literally the following day Ds had his biggest and most violent public meltdown ever, and if I could have had a flashing sign above his head that read 'he's autistic' i honestly would have installed one.

Nothing gets rid of the I'm-proving-the-school-wrong/I-know-my-child-best feeling than being spat at and slapped in front of your new mummy friends at the swimming class blush

I'd had a good few days with DS again this week and somehow found myself back in the mindset of wanting to prove school wrong (maybe I was just feeling bloody minded and defensive after his diary was reading so damn negativly). I was determined we would have a fabulous weekend and I would have more evidence that he was fine and probably just understimulated in the classroom (I am fully aware this makes me a dickhead!)

But what actually happened was DS proved me wrong yet again. A slight change to Saturday mornings routine ended up with aproximately 15 bouts of tears for the rest of the day, and one bout of flinging grapes around the living room.

I came put of the weekend with a new (hopefully lasting) perspective, that Ds does not get better or worse, he remains the same. Rather, I get better and worse in the way that I support him with the challenges he faces

lowcrabdiet Mon 09-May-16 18:35:07

Kleinzeit you speak so much sense. Thank you. I hope that one day I can be wise like you smile

Ekorre Mon 09-May-16 19:41:00

The thing is a good day doesn't erase a bad day. They don't balance out to make an average child. You just have to hope you get ideas of how to facilitate more good days to happen and less bad ones.

Lots and lots of children would benefit from more support. Our dcs needs don't make them certain of a doomy future, if we can teach them how to handle themselves.

lowcrabdiet Tue 10-May-16 07:55:51

Ekkore your first two sentences in that post absolutely sum up what I have been getting wrong!

I'm going to get it tattooed on my arm or something, just in case I forget it and start driving myself crazy trying to prove his averageness again blush

Ekorre Tue 10-May-16 18:27:54

Can you come over and explain it to my mum because she is certain that ds being an angel with her is proof he's fine.

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