Between a rock and a hard place and need advice

[shazzarooney999]

Hi guys, this is a really tricky one and i dont know how to handle it, i have the 8 year old, high functioning although not offically diagnosed yet also had spd and hypercusiss, I then have a much older child, 19 who is suffering depression due to all the meltdowns my high functioning child has, the other children cannot come into the room or come anywhere with us without him kicking off, this is affecting the 19 year old badly, although saying that the 19 year old has the nasty habbit of rubbing my other child up the other way causing him to have a meltdown for hours on end.

Its been hell on earth the last few days and i just dont know what to do about this, i was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions please? the 19 year old keeps calling the younger one a pychopath, i have tried explaining time and time again that when the younger one says something negative he needs to ignore it, but he doesnt then he goes onto critisize our parenting, because we are trying to let some things ride to avoid full on meltdowns, but the 19 year old think the younger one is getting away with everything and thats not the case, when the younger one has smashed electrical equipment ect we have made him pay for it out of his pocket money.

Anyway has anyone any advice on how to deal with this please?

[tartanterror]

Sounds like a lack of empathy and rigid thinking on the part of your 19 year old. Could he also have traits which are aggravating the situation? Could he stay with a friend or relative for a bit to give you all some respite? Or be encouraged on a year out? Etc I imagine that family relations would be destroyed if you followed Polter's suggestion in the strictest sense but maybe there is a slightly different version which might avoid direct confrontation?

[Ineedmorepatience]

I tell my adult children that they may judge my parenting when they have raised 3 children at least one of whom has autism!

[sh77]

She mentioned ds 19 is depressed. His behaviour is unacceptable but he, too, is really struggling and is angry. I'd definitely think of a solution where he had a change of scene for a few weeks.

[shazzarooney999]

I actually agree with the fact he needs to move out, so thanks for the advice, i did think by doing that i was being harsh, but now i know its not.

[Melawati]

I feel for all of you in this situation. 19 is still very young, and if he's been depressed due to the stresses of living with the melt downs and destruction of your younger child over a period of years (all though his teens?), he may need some help and support himself.
That's not at all an excuse for his behaviour, or the language that he uses towards your younger son, but I wonder if he feels that you always put the needs of the younger DC first, and that he doesn't get a look in. Winding up his brother is at least a way of getting some attention. He's still your DS, not a lodger who is being vile to your family who you could just get rid of.
But you and your younger DC are suffering too, and it doesn't sound the situation at home means you ever get a chance to take a step back, rather than having to react and fight fires all the time.
What does your 19 year old do? Is he at college, does he have a long summer break coming up? Perh

[Melawati]

Whoops! Sorry, hit post by mistake.

Perhaps the summer would be a good time to take a break in a positive way - a change of scene, work experience, summer job, stay with a relative. None of these would be as destructive to your relationship as checking him out.

[Melawati]

That should be 'chucking' of course.
Fat fingers today.

[Melawati]

I'm sorry, I'm not making assertions, just wondering if there is a bit more going on for the 19 year old. That why I'm using modifiers like 'may' 'if' and 'I wonder'.

I'm not at all suggesting that he should be allowed to get away with the behaviour, but wondering if it demonstrates an unmet need, just as I look at behaviour in my DC and try to think 'why are they doing that?'.
He is depressed and the behaviour towards the younger brother detailed in the OP suggests he has needs that aren't being met.
Asking him to leave might not meet those needs. Is he getting any help for his depression shazza? Young Minds is a good place to start, if he isn't.

[shazzarooney999]

Yes he is getting help with his depression and yes the 19 year old wants attention and yes he barely gets any of it and i know thats wrong, but it just seems impossible.

[Melawati]

it is so hard to manage the needs of all the DC, isn't it? Someone always seems to be missing out.
On a parenting course I went on, one of the group described her ASD DC as her 90% DC, and said how torn she felt that she had so little time and energy left for her other DC. The course leader did the legendary head tilt and said 'but I'm sure they understand.' I know mine don't always, and it's hard to stop their resentment building up when for eg we have to change plans at the last minute again because DD1 refuses to leave the house.
It's really positive that he's getting help with his depression - is there somewhere he can move out to, even temporarily, to give you all a bit of space?

[Melawati]

But zzzz he's only just an adult and he's struggling. He may not require equal attention but it sounds like he still needs the help and support of his parents, and shazza's dilemma is how to balance the different needs of both her DC.

[ChowNowBrownCow]

My situation is that I have a 10 year old with ASD, ADHD and SPD. I also have a 19 year old ds and a 22 year old dd. No problems with the dd. But 10 year old ds was not dx until he was 8.5. We had our own thoughts on whether he was ASD, but couldn't say for sure. Listened to advice from then 17 yr old ds who has zero parenting experience, who said things like theres nothing wrong with him, he's just badly behaved, you let him get away with xyz, I was never allowed to do xyz....... blahblahblah. After dx, my expectations were this. 'Don't you ever call ds 'weird, freak, or any other derogatory name, because if you do, when you are 18 (he was 3 months off) then you can leave.This house is ALL of our safe place and young ds too. If he cannot feel loved and safe here and not have people at home accept him, then you have to go.' As far as I am concerned, if you don't like my rules (that includes name calling or making a person feel awful) then go find somewhere else. My 2 ds do not share a bedroom, thank goodness. So older Ds can go to his room if needs be, your older Ds needs to learn to manage his behavour, its part of growing up. Having a person with sn in the house has its difficulties, but your ds should not be contributing to them. Having little or no tolerance of your sibling, means you have not found ways of coping. We all regularly have to abandon things (mid meal for example) if young ds can't cope. We have to leave family events early. All sorts of things really have to be adapted to ds. My older children no my rules, and 19 yr ds has accepted them, he always still comes on holiday with us and spends lots of time with us doing other stuff. When it gets too much, he knows that HE has to do something, not the ds with ASD. He loves his brother, and offered to knock the teacher out who recently hurt his neck! He is immature, but is getting there. But, NO I do not allow anyone in my home is a bully.

[ChowNowBrownCow]

who
Ps. How educated is your 19yr ds on ASD and sn? Also, do you treat him like an adult in other areas? He is an adult and needs to act like one.

[shazzarooney999]

We have tried explaining till we are blue in the face, like you we have had the same comments, eg hes getting away with everything i diddnt get away with stuff like that, thats why he is the way he is, you should disicpline him more ect ect, he does not seem to understand no matter how many time we tell him to leave the room because we know exactly how it will end with a fullon meltdown with the smaller one, now the child that has asd is absolutely hating him and every time he comes in the room the asd child is saying something derogatory to him but im not surprised, thats when we say just ignore it, but he wont he will bite and then it ends in a complete nightmare.