Getting help for my DH who can't cope with my ASD son

[peppajay]

We are part way through the paediatrician assessments for ASD with my son. We are waiting for a SALT appointment and then the multi disiplinary board will meet to discuss the findings. To me and most people it is pretty obvious he has ASD he has the need for an exceptionally strict routine and has huge meltdowns when things don't go to plan. However if things go to plan and the strict routine is adhered to we can go for weeks or even months with no meltdowns or worries. We saw the paediatrician again at the beginning of the week as he has been suffering with motor tics for the last 6 months and they seem to be getting worse. She has suggested tourettes although I don't think they are that complex as they don't appear when he is at school or stimulated. At the moment we are going through a bad patch as things at home are not the same routine as normal- and things and situations when out and about haven't gone to plan or have gone wrong - (to a NT person nothing major) things like times of outings or planned activities that have changed. He can't cope with this and he goes in to full on meltdown. His meltdowns have got worse lately and I have been having to restrain him. I can cope and do cope however my DH cannot and because of this he does very little with us but if he is with us and a meltdown starts he will apologise profusely for the shocking behaviour to everyone around us and run off quick. I have everyone saying he needs to man up and be a dad and I get so cross with him and I tell him he needs to interact and deal with it but I honestly don't think he can. The whole situation is making him ill. I actually think he is ASD himself especially when I found out that he went to a special school for 9 months when he was about 8 for behavioural problems and this was a massive secret and he denies it. He refuses to read up on ASD attend any courses or go for counselling, he says ASD/ADHD etc is just an excuse for undisiplined children. He blames me for my sons behaviour and doesn't understand why he will not do as he is told. I have been told several times to chuck him out and he says he would have gone a long time ago if he didn't care - but I really want him to get help and try and understand my son. I honestly believe he wants to understand him but doesn't know how to. His main problem is embarassment he constantly apologises to people around us when my son is in meltdown - he will not allow him to play outside if he is at home as he feels sorry for the neighbours who want a peaceful weekend they don't want to listen to a shouting screaming child if something sets him off, he then gets so stressed my son picks up on it and they don't speak for days. He says he just wants normal kids and a normal family. However that isn't going to happen so where do we go for here - if he is refusing help and he is becoming mentally ill because of the situation where do we go from here?

[shazzarooney99]

Ok first of all I have to say I think its harder for men to get theyre heads round things like this, it took my partner a longtime to actually realise there was a problem and slowly he came round.

Due to all the stress my partner became agrophobic, he then got reffered for counselling in which he was doing really well, then he ended up suffering a heart attack which set him back. ( i personally think oh is on the spectrum too)

We are now at the point where my oh is not going out at all, i am working in a specail school and having to come home, do the shopping and sort the children out, I also have to deal with out child that has suspected Asd, I do it all, hes taken a back seat because of his health now.

I do feel drained sometimes, I get fed up of rushing around and having to do everything,but I guess thats the price we pay. If i were you i would try to keep explaining things to him, try to get him to go to the Gp, if he doesnt then theres not much more you can do.

[Pomegranatemolasses]

Very difficult for you Op. I honestly feel that there is very little you can do.

He may well be on the spectrum also, but this situation sounds impossible to deal with. I am afraid I would be with the ' get rid' school of thought. You have enough to cope with, being the best parent you can be to your child.

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

Presumably he is not your son's father as you don't say our son, he doesn't accept your son for who he is and even worse apologises for him, your son deserves better than that.

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

Ok first of all I have to say I think its harder for men to get theyre heads round things like this

Bit of a sweeping statement! Certainly not true for all men.

[Meloncoley2]

Peppajay, you may have to come to terms with the fact that your OP doesn't see things the same way as you do......
That doesn't mean you are wrong.

[tartanterror]

OP that sounds so stressful. It's so difficult - relationships are tricky enough when children arrive and parenting ideas have to blend, but I don't think you are alone in finding that those difficulties are magnified when a child with extra needs is in the mix. In our house DH's underlying anger issues have got worse and it negatively affects all of us. We've agreed he's going to see a DBT therapist to learn to regulate himself better. Once he is further along in the process I might learn some of the techniques myself. It is based on mindfulness and has things like "distress tolerance" which might also be useful for your DH. My DH also seems to have blocked out distressing times from his childhood and my (wild) theory is that he is now unconsciously behaving as his parent(s) did. Maybe your DH is reacting to your son how his parents did with him? Good luck xx