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Do you ever feel depressed about your child having an SN?

(20 Posts)
PagesOfABook Fri 05-Feb-16 20:28:09

I think maybe I am way too sensitive but I don't cope well with DS having high functioning autism.

I was quite shy as a teenager and I found that hard enough - but I think DS will struggle even more than I did and my heart breaks for him.

Sometimes I feel positive and think things might work out kind of ok for him - but then something small happens and I feel really depressed. Like today he met up with some boys from his class - they are age 6. The boys were all excited to see each other and hardly seemed to notice DS - like it hardly made a difference to them that he was there. I've felt really depressed all evening now. I wish I wasn't so easily knocked back.

Also, I get upset listening to the other parents talking about the endless playdates their children do. DS absolutely loves playdates but is rarely asked - and it's not easy for me to ask others as things are not straight forward with DS.

I just hope DS will have some friends, not be bullied or isolated in school, get a job that he kind of enjoys which pays enough that he can support himself - and maybe find someone he loves. It seems like a lot to hope for.

Cakescakescakes Fri 05-Feb-16 20:42:09

I feel like this every day.

But I'm trying to find positives where I can. For my DS (5) the saving grace is that he isn't interested in other children at all so doesn't notice (I think) that they don't involve him. I try not to think about the future because it terrifies me - one day at a time smile

Ineedmorepatience Sat 06-Feb-16 10:54:17

No I dont feel depressed about Dd3 having Asd, I feel depressed when I have to fight to get her needs met, or go round and round in circles with people who dont take on board information that I give them about her needs!

shazzarooney99 Sat 06-Feb-16 10:56:42

Yeh i do, its been a hell of a long fight to try and get anywhere to try and get him help, recently my mum died and my aunty and it made me think about when hes older and when we are gone, what will he do? how will he cope?

Also constantly walking on eggshells, wondering when hes going to kick off, i have been strangled more times than i care to remember.

Bisghetti Sat 06-Feb-16 12:27:35

I feel like this from time to time. It ebbs and flows depending on what is going on in our lives. It kind of helps that ds (who is 5) has zero interest in other children or in having friends and is oblivious to much of the social side of school. I no longer feel sad about friendships that never formed as he isn't (he actively doesn't want friends). But I do feel sad when I see how anxious he gets sometimes if routines are disrupted and, like you, I worry about the future when he's an older child and is more aware of his difference - and when the other children become really aware of it too. With him it really does feel like parenting a little alien sometimes and that is amazing but doesn't feel a bit sad to me sometimes.

CrazyLoopholeInTimeAndSpace Sat 06-Feb-16 12:37:01

I used to get. Depressed about the arguments with school, always fighting and pushing to get his needs recognised, let alone met. I ended up onAD's.

Now, we have pulled him out to home ed and we we so much happier. He is a different child and we have a lovely relationship now. He hardly ever kicks off and when he does have get anxious or wound up we have the time and space to deal with it.

zzzzz Sat 06-Feb-16 14:29:48

No I don't get depressed about who ds is (ASD/Language disorder). I get tired of people upsetting me and just tired because I have to work quite hard to support him and his siblings. I feel scared about his future but it is an angry raging scared and sometimes a scared acceptance that I can't protect him from everything. But no I don't feel depressed about any part of him, he like his siblings is all of my life.

hazeyjane Sat 06-Feb-16 14:41:47

I felt depressed and panicky at first with Ds because I was still in a state from his birth (months on, but it was bloody awful) and because he was being tested for conditions which are degenerative with a short life span. We had no idea then what was going to be in the future, and I know that no-one does, but having a child who can't sit, swallow safely, play, babble......it was just terrifying. I started anti depressants, and they helped massively, because I needed to crack on, get support for Ds, get through the tests, look after dd1 and 2 (who were 3 and 4) and just get through the day.

As time has gone on, and the worst things have been ruled out, and I have watched Ds develop in his wonky but wonderful way, the panic has subsided, and my depression has lifted. I stopped taking anti Ds last year, and feel like I have grown back some of the shell I lost in ds's early days.

I do still worry, and feel afraid for his future, and sometimes I have a wave of sadness wash over me at the most random moment that things will be harder for Ds, and that he has had to put up with so much in his little life already. But it isn't out of control, it comes and then it goes and I watch Ds signing to his sister that 'Hazeyboy is The Boss' and watch him astound us all at how far he has come and how far he will go.

MabelBee Sat 06-Feb-16 15:00:04

I have four year old twin girls. Last week the neurotypical twin was invited to a birthday party but not the other. I cried for an hour. I suppose I knew at some stage that there would be twin issues with one perhaps being more popular and one being more left out. But with ASD, the playing field isn't even, so I have one twin with all the friends and all the social life and the other who literally has no friends at all. She is also largely ignored, except sometimes by older children who like to baby her. We have decided now to send her to special school when she starts reception in September, so hopefully there will be more understanding from parents who might make more of an effort to include her in party invitations. Hopefully.

MabelBee Sat 06-Feb-16 15:07:31

I've read some stuff on here where people say they accept ASD as a part of their child and wouldn't wave a magic wand to take it away because it is a party of who they are. I don't even know how to begin finding that kind of acceptance. I try to celebrate the small positives and tiny steps forward but I hate her ASD. There are so many things for her and for the rest of us which are utterly depressing.

theDudesmummy Sat 06-Feb-16 17:36:00

Yes I do get depressed. Today for example. DH took DS to a birthday party and came back upset, which is happening more lately. He says he won't take him to any more. It is becoming so obvious what an increasing gap there is between DS and other children his age and it can be upsetting. I think about the future and get sad. He is little and cute now, and still gets smiles and pats on the head from people even though he is very different, but when he is older he will be an obviously disabled, vunerable person. I get very sad about it.

Obs2016 Sun 07-Feb-16 01:29:42

Not depressed. But frustrated with having to fight to get his needs met, with people who are just idiots. Worried that he is going to have a much more difficult life and a more lonely life, than I would wish for him. Not not really depressed.

theDudesmummy Sun 07-Feb-16 16:58:44

I get sad when we do nice things with him, like going on holiday etc, which he loves. because when I am too old/gone, he probably wont have any nice trips or holidays. Who will take him? It makes me desperately sad.

Shesinfashion Sun 07-Feb-16 17:44:58

Yes, depression comes in to it but it's mostly constant worry and anxiety for the future. She's only 7 but I seem to find it impossible to live in the here and now. I just want someone to tell me she'll be alright but of course no one can. I want her to have a happy life.

birdlover1977 Sun 07-Feb-16 18:20:46

Me too,I have periods of feeling very sad for my boys and their differences to their peers. These differences are very clear on school assemblies, sports days, etc - when you are able to see your child alongside their peers. I really worry about their future and I get angry when others refuse to recognise their special needs. But most of the time when it is just us, I feel proud of all they have achieved and I love their special personalities, although I would do anything to minimize their differences, make them more able to 'fit in' and follow social conventions. Nothing would make me happier than if they didn't have ASD. I find it hard to write and admit that because it sounds like I don't love my sons they way they are now and of course that is not true. I just wish they didn't have to struggle constantly because they would be happier and have better life chances if they didn't have ASD.

lamya190 Sun 07-Feb-16 20:09:57

Yeh I second the issue of fearing for the future and taking each day as it comes, it's really hard. My son has high functioning autism and a therapist once told me I should be thankful as the way she put it was so bleak and depressing to be honest, 'you have the best of the worst' is exactly what she said!!

shazzarooney99 Sun 07-Feb-16 21:34:48

Does anyone get sad for the siblings in the family? because i certainly do, I realise its just as hard for them as it is for us, but what do you do? my son needs medication he really does, peadatrician cant give it to him, so how do we get him to someone who can?

knittingwithnettles Sun 07-Feb-16 22:53:52

Mabel I had twins, one noticeably less easy or socially acceptable (later diagnosed with ASD at 8). I think quite early on I made it clear that no-one had to invite him because he was a twin of the more sociable one; he got a few of his own invites quite soon in Reception, and it was nice to feel that people genuinely invited him for himself, not because he was one of a pair. And to be honest he sometimes didn;t like the parties dd attended anyway, too noisy and busy. But as you say, it hurts when one child is left out. He has his own lovely qualities and I wouldn;t want him to be any different - sometimes though recently, I do imagine what it would have been like for her to have had a NT twin sister instead of a brother with HFA. And then banish the thought, it feels meaningless. He is here, He is himself.

ILoveTFIFriday Mon 08-Feb-16 05:04:46

My little girl (7) is often in her own fantasy land. She believes in something that is very clearly not real to my 5 yo son. Today, for the first time, I had to sit him down and have a chat about her not understanding some things that he does and asking him to be a big boy and help her by pretending this thing is real.Every time he told her it wasn't real, she was in hysterics. I had to paint it to him that he was now in on the big secret with the grown ups, like a big boy. Bless him, he was so good about it and kept quiet the next time she talked about her 'real' thing. The future scares me.

mw63 Tue 09-Feb-16 12:23:17

Struggling massively with depression this week and pleased to find this thread. However like others it is with the fight to be heard and not my ds. I feel so useless at times.

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