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Hugs please.

(39 Posts)
1805 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:32:01

My dd has just attacked me and I'm on my own. Dh is uncontactable at work.
Dd is ASD 10yrs old and can pack a punch. This was prob the most abusive attack yet and included trying to strangle me and trying to pull my hair out.
I never know what to do when this happens. I just sort of shut down and stayed calm. She is now in her room and seems calm but I'm not going in yet as she's probably destroying stuff and I'll get upset.

How do other people handle these kind of meltdowns please?

PolterGoose Thu 28-Jan-16 20:39:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:50:31

I try to restrain my son when hes like this, hes 8 and luckily his punches dont hurt that much, however when he yanks my hair out that does! and when he bites and gouges my arms, Tuesday he stabbed me twice with a fork and we diddnt get into school till 12pm with the kicking off, theres not much you can do but try to de escalate, but when it goes it goes and thats it, nothing much but restrain xxxxxxx i feel you pain xxxx i truly do xxx

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:51:02

Just make sure your childs not leaning forward when you do this xxx

1805 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:51:49

She is calmer now - I can hear her coughing upstairs and I can tell she's calm. ( you learn these signs don't you!?!)
I guess I was trying a new tactic of seeing what would happen rather than restraining her which I would normally do.
It won't be long before she'll be too strong for me to restrain her.
I'm going to go up to her now.
It upsets me so much to see her like this and destroying so much stuff.

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:52:31

Oh and try and dodge the flying crockery lol, i shouldnt laugh, if youd saw me the other day i was in tears! however ive just managed to get back into work as ive not been able to with him kicking off as hes been getting into school late xxx

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:54:28

I know what your saying about the destroying stuff, my son has broken quite a number of my others sons things including an iphone 5, so i stopped his spends for 6 months to pay for just that! has broke his tab, broke an xbox, torn the wallpaper off the walls, you name it hes done it.

1805 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:56:46

Shazz - sounds familiar ground. Dd often goes into school late too which messes up my work.
Do you guys punish them afterwards? I tend not to as she's so upset about it it seems like punishment enough, but should I be doing?

1805 Thu 28-Jan-16 20:57:59

Ds has gone to boarding school as it's safer there!

PolterGoose Thu 28-Jan-16 21:00:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:23:40

Uhmmmm I do punish my son, I probably shouldnt, however he still needs to know right from wrong, what happens when me and partner die? if he doesnt know right from wrong he will either end up in jail or in a mental health hospital?

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:24:16

You have sent your son to boarding school already?

PolterGoose Thu 28-Jan-16 21:41:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 Thu 28-Jan-16 21:57:24

You are probably right poulter, it is cruel, but how do they learn not to do that? because when they do get older and we are gone, what will happen to them if they lose control?

1805 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:20:28

she's still angry. now she won't get up tomorrow because she will be tired. I have a big day at work tomorrow, and it is my birthday. I could do without this.

yes. ds full boards.

Any others prepared to spill if they punish violent meltdowns or not? I can see both sides, which is why I'm not sure what to do. She can't go around strangling people whenever she doesn't get her own way.

zzzzz Thu 28-Jan-16 22:32:12

Mine doesn't do this but does lose control (mercifully rarely) I wouldn't punish, but then I think the event is pretty punishing for all concerned.

Does punishing actually achieve anything? I mean does it make the child try harder not to lose control? If it does then I can see the rationale.

Shineyshoes10 Thu 28-Jan-16 22:37:22

I'm another one who doesn't punish behaviour during meltdowns. DS hasn't got control over what he's doing and most of the time can't recall what's he's said/done. He doesn't want to behave how he does. In my DS's case punishing him heightens his anxiety further leading to more self harm attempts. He's not going to learn anything from it.

StarlightMcKenzee Thu 28-Jan-16 23:40:29

I don't punish meltdowns, but I might intervene with consequences if I see that a meltdown might develop from an escalation of behaviours. For example sometimes ds just needs to know his boundaries to feel safe. If he pushes and pushes to test and Ingive way, sometimes his demands can become extreme, just because he wants to know how far he can get, and the frustration he feels from being kind of 'let down' seems to increase alarmingly.

PolterGoose Fri 29-Jan-16 07:33:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Fri 29-Jan-16 07:40:24

I agree that punishment is a crap teaching tool. Point out what you objected too, point out what you want and support the move from one behaviour to another.

Strangely I have this conversation pretty regularly about ds. The key is to think really hard about what you want them to do. "Not be angry/upset" is NOT a valid answer. "Not have autism/disability" is NOT a valid answer. What you are looking for is what you want them to do WHEN this is happening INSTEAD of what they are doing.

and then you need to make bloody sure you and other people allow them to do that (eg state "I need to watch telly for 5 mins" and then have that down time.)

PolterGoose Fri 29-Jan-16 08:43:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep Fri 29-Jan-16 15:29:32

what you do depends in the situations and the otherpeople that are liekly to get hurt. also how much out of control they are. (ie sometimes there is an element of deliberate naughtiness different from the out of control due to autism behaviour)

prevention is the key.

feeding, calm down strategies. plenty of fluids, warm not too hot or cold. quiet.

if it has gone pear shaped... sometimes he needs restraining if he is hell bent on beating the crap out of dd. this is likely to make it worse before it is better.

to separate dd and him, sometimes he can be persuaded to get in the bath and then calms while sitting watching the shower run for his bath. there was a memeorable occasion where I did not use the shower and had to restrain a naked body that was hell bent on standing up and punching/scratching and headbutting me while in the bath and was putting himself at risk of falling and drowning

computer time calms him. (much to everyone elses annoyance that I am pandering to him, sod them)

1805 Fri 29-Jan-16 16:52:51

v v interesting reading. Thanks everyone. Yes I agree avoidance of complete meltdowns is the desired result, but they do happen.

Last night shocked me as it seemed more like bullying me, and intention to hurt me rather than random flailing around kicking and spitting etc.

We haven't discussed last night yet, but I have said we need to.

Re keeping siblings safe - we are v lucky to be in the situation where ds can be removed completely (school holidays aside) from the danger. Rather extreme perhaps, but it was his idea and choice sad. Dd does respect him and cosset him more now when he is home. (she still attacks him, but much less often due to lack of opportunity to do so).

Bananasinpyjamas1 Fri 29-Jan-16 18:37:02

I don't think 'punish' - but there has to be a clear line for the child that this is NOT acceptable, and a consequence.

If there is no expectation that the child can control their behaviour, then we are never giving them the opportunity to control their behaviour. Anxiety and meltdowns are frightening for a child, but I do think that a clear 'NO' if expressing their fear is aggression. That said, you need to keep yourself safe, and get help quickly if they cannot keep themselves safe. Sometimes that is giving a child plenty of space. But if I were you I'd ask any of your most helpful professionals that work with you/your child how to prevent and manage these. Being punched is severe and don't hesitate to get help.

PolterGoose Fri 29-Jan-16 18:50:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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