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Anyone with teenage sons with asd able to advice on my 9yr old ds?(21 Posts)
Hi I was just after a few experiences if that's ok? I have ds1 who's 9 and ds2 who's 7. Ds1 has asd among other possible things. Main issues are anger, anxiety and sensory disorder. As he gets older he's obviously stronger and no one can below reduce the outbursts. I just wondered as your ds is in their teens has the anger got worse? With the hormones and life pressure etc? If not what helped them?
My ds will be 13 this year and his violent behaviours were at their worst between around 6 and 8yo I think. What's worked has been a combination of PDA strategies, 'The Explosive Child' book, sensory OT work, CBT and lots of problem solving work. Many people find 'The Incredible 5 Point Scale' helpful too.
Thanks for replying. Iv just ordered that book plus another one that's been recommended on here. Do you have other dc? What sort of changes have you noticed in him now he's older? Iv always been told he'll get easier as he gets older.... So far he hasn't. Although the aggressive outbursts have more time between them. I'm pretty sure his anxiety causes majority of the anger. That or his inability to 'wait' and not coping with some things not going his way
Polter when you say problem solving? What do you mean?
My ds is an only child. It's really since starting secondary I've noticed the biggest change. He's more reflective and more insightful. He still has a hair trigger at times when anxiety is high but he can analyse it. All that helps us learn for next time, but it's a marathon not a sprint!
Problem solving could be really simple stuff like:
"What could you have done differently?"
"Is there anything I could have done better?" (It's surprisingly effective to ask your child to look at how you behave too!)
"How would <insert person he respects> have dealt with this?"
Help him learn to negotiate, give him the words he needs. If you say he can play until 7, and he argues, explain that he needs to negotiate, not argue, suggest he comes back with a counter offer, if he does then agree, even if it's a pain! It rewards him for trying to do it right. Or help him compromise.
Does helping him negotiate not make him think he can always get what he wants though? That is a major issue, he has symptoms of pda, but the paediatrician says he il doesn't have it. I use some methods they advise like if I need him to hurry and brush his teeth instead of saying 'go brush your teeth' I say 'do you want me to brush your teeth this morning or do you want to do it?' For example. Trouble is everything has to go his way or the high way.... And I don't want to encourage it but at the same time sometimes life is really really crap because I haven't let him have his own way! Do you know what I mean?
For me it's about developing skills to compromise. It is far better for all of us if we feel we've been listened to. What you're doing is rewarding his response, so, if he kicks off you stick to your guns, if he uses his skills to discuss it then you give a little and he's rewarded. The key is to know your limit before asking/telling and incorporating wiggle room
So, you want him to tidy up by 5pm, you say 'I'd like this room tidy by 4.30' and help him come back with 'But I need longer doing this...' you say 'well, why don't you negotiate with me, what time do you think it needs doing by?' and so on...
I suppose my approach is that it's better to do this in a planned and controlled way than be always reacting and making snap decisions in a rush. I have an idea of where I want to be and work to get there.
I'm glad you understand what I mean, other people judge me and think I'm 'pandering' to him. It's so hard. My latest battle is the tablet. He's obsessed with it. I only allow it after school and not after our 5pm dinner time. I give him warnings when Iv started dinner, 10 mins when I'm dishing up etc but he never ever comes to the table on time now, I leave his dinner on he table and then he ends up finishing what he doing and comes later. And yes that is a big deal in our house, only time I can get us all together and him talking. So that it's causing tensions. He can't cope with 'leaving' things particularly games, or videos etc. says 'it's not me it's someone else'
'The Explosive Child' book is brilliant for helping us articulate this sort of stuff.
Iv ordered that plus managing meltdowns book, both recommended to me on here!
My ds has ASD with PDA traits and it hasn't got any easier going through puberty tbh. His language is awful and his outbursts have increased as has his aggression. I do feel that this is due to anxiety around exams/future placement and we are waiting to go back to Camhs for help
Two, have you ever found Camhs helpful though? The only thing they have helped me with was ot referral and that took years. He's currently seeing someone a physiatrist, but she's an odd lady and he finds it boring ! He is turning into a schoo refuser and next week the attendance board peopl are going to 'observe' him. . Did you notice a difference when the hormones started kicking in? Ds1 is 10 in few months and this is of a concern for me.
My Ds is now 15. He was diagnosed age 7 and always aggressive. When puberty started we saw his behaviour worsen 100%. Age 12-14 was a terrible time for him and for the family in general. We had monthly appointments to check medication dosages. We saw him self harm and attack adults. He couldn't see the wood for the trees. He was in a very dark place for that time and we rarely saw 'our son' which was hardest to deal with. We had police involvement and he almost got kicked out of a specialist autism school as they could no longer keep him safe.
Thankfully the last 8 months things have calmed down again.
I don't think we coped. We read books and tried strategies but in that period Ds was unable to retain strategies or see consequences etc.
Bonkerz, what medication is he on and how did you get that? Iv asked about medication (even just trialling it) and I understand there are concerns about that but no one will prescribe anything. If I as an adult walked into the doctors and told them I acted similar to someone with bipolar, I throw things and hurt people when I'm angry, and when I'm angry I spoke about killing myself, they'd have me on anti depressants before I walked out the door. Yet they won't take this seriously. I'm petrified he will be one of those poor children you hear in the news that have committed suicide.
Ds takes 80mg atemoxetine and 0.5mg of risperidone. The atemoxetine is weight based dosage and during the 2 year puberty period he lost a lot of weight so had his dosage closely monitored at Cahms. We are currently trailing to reduce his risperidone to 0.25mg so we can introduce an anxiety medication as Ds has started to suffer dissassociative anxiety attacks which are scary (think psychotic episodes).
In really worried about it. He is not like this all the time. If he is happy, calm and feels safe, no stress he is lovely. Great to be around. When there is any kind of stress, wether it's time related, anxiety, etc he turns. I have no idea how to prevent these episodes and neither does he and it upsets him. No one else seems bothered!
When Ds was diagnosed age 7 we had dx of autism and Odd. When his aggression got bad and puberty started the psych at Cahms said he wanted to diagnose ADHD. Ds hadn't showed signs of ADHD till puberty. The psych said his brain was basically re working itself. Think of it as becoming smooth then new pathways growing and that's why there was such a major personality and behavioural change. The medication was crucial to maintain Ds during this time. Now he's coming out the other side his main issue is anxiety. The ODD dx has been dropped and he has dx of autism/ADHD/emotional disregulation and dissassociative anxiety. These conditions describe him well at the moment.
Are you with Cahms? Can you see GP and push for referral. Are school supportive? Does he have an EHCP yet or still a statement?
We have been under Camhs since he was 4. Useless. Just get fobbed off. He's currently sat in with this physciAtrist I mentioned. While I have to wait outside. They have never helped. Gp are useless and just say Camhs deal with all mental health under age 18. That is it.
He doesn't have either. He has always been on school action plus. He is now in year 5. They have only now agreed to try for ehc but reckon he won't get it!
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