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When do you stop feeling so overwhelmed??

(16 Posts)
Cakescakescakes Mon 25-Jan-16 17:15:40

Hi. I'm new smile

I have a 5 yr old with ASD. Last year I almost had a nervous breakdown trying to secure a school place and a diagnosis for him. He is now in special education, we have our diagnosis (so now have access to OT etc) and he is doing great. I thought things might calm down a bit but it's just one thing after another - change of staff at school and now both his home ABA tutors have told me they are leaving. I'm so run down after last year that I just have no ability to cope with the smallest of stresses any more. I know it's never easy with kids but I also have a younger baby and just can't keep up this pace. DH works long hours and is generally very supportive but has no real understanding of the pressure I've been under although we've talked about it lots.
I think I just need to ramble a bit to people who understand... Thanks!

Ineedmorepatience Mon 25-Jan-16 20:00:59

You have done well to get a diagnosis and a specialist setting for your son.

Its great that he is doing well!

I am not going to try to advise you because I pushed myself to breaking point last yr trying to get a statement for my Dd3!

All I will say is be kind to yourself and tackle one thing at a time flowers

reader108 Mon 25-Jan-16 20:19:38

Sorry NEVER is the answer. I keep thinking things have to get easier rubbish just keeps on coming!

SENMumoftwo Mon 25-Jan-16 20:28:11

Well done on getting those things for your son.

I've been in the overwhelming state for some time, so unfortunately can't help there.

Msqueen33 Mon 25-Jan-16 22:31:55

Big hugs. Some days I want to crawl under a rock. I'm tired, grumpy, angry and just plain worn out. 2/3 kids have autism. My husband like yours just doesn't get the pressure. What about a hobby? Something you can do just for yourself to take a break And have some time out. Or there's wine. I've heard wine and chocolates is meant to help x

2boysnamedR Mon 25-Jan-16 22:47:37

I find it comes in waves. I find it helps to fully embrace what ever emotional state I find myself in. If I have a real bad day, I might scream in the bathroom and have a cry, moan to anyone or no one. Next day always feels better after that.

I try to take joy in every snippet of progress. To admire my kids absolute bloody mindedness too. I have to admire his amazing will power.

It is always hard. I think that right now I don't want to be ill over this. He is my kid and I want to enjoy his childhood. There is some control there to say "I'm not thinking about this today / this week / ever again" and just regroup mentally.

I am currently trying hard to not give a damn about anything but that's bloody hard. I have a school placement looming so I'm
Saving myself for that

Bananasinpyjamas1 Mon 25-Jan-16 22:53:27

Well you seem to have secured really good support for your child. So doing well!

One of the things that helps me is remembering to enjoy my children (one severe autism one not). It's a struggle, I sympathise, I have no family support and partner also works long hours. But my autistic child is 3, and I try to take a little time each day to just enjoy how he is now, in between all the fighting for services and doing ABA myself etc etc. He will only be this age for a short time, and even if he doesn't communicate really there are many moments that are just great. Who knows what the future holds. But these little moments with our kids are worth a lot. smile

Cakescakescakes Tue 26-Jan-16 13:24:25

Thanks for your replies. I think I need to just try and enjoy all the little amazing moments in each day. I think I'm just totally depleted from 18 months of struggling to get the support. The reason we do ABA (we pay for it ourselves and have just a few hrs a week) is because we were hitting so many brick walls with education authority etc that I felt I needed to try something and had nothing to loose. My son was non-verbal, major behavioural issues, zero social interaction etc at 3.5 but obviously he didn't need any ed psych assessments etc... And we waited 16 months from referral to assessment for the diagnosis. The usual story 😬

Thanks - ill just keep trying to remember how far we've come and let it wash over me a bit more. I think the hardest bit is nobody understands. Unless you live in this situation no one gets it and that's so isolating. Glad to have found this group I guess!

lovevintagecrap Tue 26-Jan-16 13:43:22

I know how you feel and I agree-unless you live it, you can't understand how relentless and exhausting it is.

I am coming to the end of the EHCP process for my dd and it has been one of the most traumatic, draining and stressful parts of our journey. Well done on getting your ds into a good school etc -that's one of the most challenging problems IME.

I think you just need to grab any precious minutes to yourself that you can, whether it's a cuppa in peace or, if your dc sleep okay, when they go to bed. It's essential, like putting petrol in your car. ...you can't run on fumes.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Tue 26-Jan-16 16:12:12

It never ends smile

I found this really hard, I wanted to find the right fix, and then all would be/feel well - or, at least, good enough.

There isn't one. It never feels OK - it always feels like a costly compromise.

DC get older and you realise its not just your subjective feeling that all is not well, but the reality of your DC - it really is true - your lovely DC really can't cope to the extent of acting out/self-harming/wanting to die - and it is not your fault.

I have found that coping is two-fold, and that I count too, and that I can't advocate for my DC unless I take care of myself.

There are a lot of 'burnt-out' 'experts' who now hang out in the Goose and Carrot grin

2boysnamedR Tue 26-Jan-16 17:07:55

That's another thing, acceptance comes in waves too. I thought I fully accepting of everything. But I have recently realised there is and never will be anyone coming along to save us, ever.

I am totally on my own with help that turns out to be either more effort than my child himself, or a wolf in Sheeps clothing.

So after that slap in the face I feel quite a lot more at peace. If only I could escape from the education system nightmare I would actually be a very happy person with adorable kids

Obs2016 Tue 26-Jan-16 18:29:58

I haven't managed it yet. I struggled through 7 years of primary and I'm still struggling in secondary.
Take care of yourself. They are good here. You get tonnes of support. That has been the only thing that saved me at times.

maggiso Tue 26-Jan-16 23:17:01

The being on your toes and hanging on by your fingertips feeling might never end but it DOES get easier and less all consuming as the years go by! Personally I think the early school years were the hardest, but as 2 boys says it comes in waves! You just things on an even keel and something changes. Each change brings its own challenges. But with time you get more experience at taking on the powers that be, knowing your way around the system and getting the best for your child. I think too you get better at picking your battles, and perhaps a bit more relaxed about it all.
It does get less overwhelming!

MeirAya Thu 28-Jan-16 16:58:59

YES to everything above.

The ASD is a big challenge, but it's the trying to get outside help which really drives you round the bend.

Your personal expectations of 'the system' can probably never be too low- though it's usually still worth fighting to some extent (as you have done) as this sometimes helps a bit.

I'm burned out, overstretched, on meds etc. But it's much better since I lowered my expectations, as 2boys & keep said. If school doesn't make them too ill for time and love to fix, they can stay there- it's free childcare.

if not, I'll home educate. If they learn something at school, great. If not- I'll teach them at some point. I still have high expectations for our dc. And respect and gratitude for the individual professionals who, with a lot bit of prompting and regular chocolate deliveries, really are able to 'get it' and help the dc.

MeirAya Thu 28-Jan-16 17:06:46

Realised above looks a bit doom & gloom. There is a bit of 'welcome to Holland' in that I wouldn't swap my life- I'm used to it, the ASD etc and is part and parcel of who we are, I'd miss all the (unexpected) good bits that neurotypical families don't see.

It's actually fine/ok at the moment for us. (Though fine/ok is a relative term, meaning 'yes, it's really quite hard - but we're alive & no current disasters so I'm thankful')

Bit like extreme weight training- ability to lift impossibly heavy weights increases with practice; every now and then your back goes, but you usually cope anyway.

2boysnamedR Thu 28-Jan-16 19:40:39

Lol! At the weight training. It also brings a increased stamina.

I had a meeting today and told a professional that if it wasn't illegal I would rip off my tribunal officials balls and choke him with them totally dead pan as I have dreamed about doing just that - a lot.

I then told someone from the LA that they have form with me for lieing so don't expect a easy time. That they would be sacked within a week in my workplace as such incompetence would never be tolerated.

I meant that to.

I am a very quite, shy, polite, well educated person in real life. But boy do I now know how to rip people to shreds over my kids.

I'm just buying time and mental energy before I fire up the "you haven't adhered to this statement" machine

That's a gift that never stops giving. No matter how defeated I feel there is always fight left in the bag for the next round. Always

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