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ds with asd battered me today

(18 Posts)
Idespairbuthope Sat 07-Nov-15 21:59:54

My son was diagnosed with asd in June, aged 7. I just feel so helpless and useless that I can't manage his behaviour. He lost it today at about 3.30pm and punched and kicked me in anger. He then ran off up the street crying in anger. I think he scared himself as he was totally out of control. Dad took him back to his flat as it seemed to be me that was the problem and he appeared to calm. I went round to the flat at 6ish and he was still very angry towards me. Everything he said to me was loaded with attitude and hatred and when I took him to one side to speak to him, I got head butted. How do I manage this anger/hatred/violence?

PhilPhilConnors Sat 07-Nov-15 22:04:46

I'm really sorry, it's rubbish when that happens thanks

Do you know what triggered him to be angry?
Ds is triggered by change, sensory things, unfamiliar people.

We did something called the 5 point scale with ds which helped him and us work out how he was feeling and identify when meltdowns were inevitable, and could take him to a safe place. Might something like that help do you think?

Idespairbuthope Sat 07-Nov-15 22:12:48

He woke his sister up in the car and then we took his toy away as we had said not to turn it on otherwise he would lose it. Normally he would be cross and probably hit out but it just escalated out of all proportion sad

Ineedmorepatience Sun 08-Nov-15 09:08:54

I am sorry that you got hit but saying you will lose a toy is not the same as saying you will take it off him! I think most autistic children would have misunderstood that one!

Try to chose your words extremely carefully, which is hard I know in the heat of the moment. It could save lots of misunderstandings which in turn cause massive anxiety.

Again, I am sorry you got hurt sad

zzzzz Mon 09-Nov-15 07:32:33

I think you are ascribing very adult emotions to a very small child. The truth is that children with add are on the whole emotionally delayed (somewhere between half and two thirds of their chronological age, so in your case 3.5 to 4 years old). I think you need to reset your expectations of what he can manage and rethink how you are characterising his behaviour.
This is HIGHLY unlikely to be anything to do with violent hatred and far more likely to be to do with anxiety and terror.

zzzzz Mon 09-Nov-15 07:33:22

Children with ASD not add. Apologies

knittingwithnettles Mon 09-Nov-15 20:43:02

with hindsight you probably know what you should have done, and he probably knows what he should have done sad ie: not wake his sister. But as these things happened, I think you just hug him and forget it and think through, talk through things in advance next time (but possibly not talk about it this time anymore). Maybe no noisy toys in car if you want her to sleep at that time, or maybe talk through to him how she is sleeping and you never wake sleeping children at naptime, unless instructed to, or they get angry and grumpy (this could be a general observation you could keep reinforcing every single day - social story etc, general rule, sleeping soft toys)

I think warnings tend to backfire in our house, as once the transgression happens there is nowhere to go, except an escalation. better to work on avoiding the thing happening in the first place in a more positive way. If you do that one more time I'll setting yourself up for an explosion.

The fact that he normally would hit out and get cross shows that even normal isn't particularily satisfactory, so I would work on changing the whole vibe around him obeying instructions.

Essentially rules tend to work with ASD children if they are established rules which make sense to the child and make child feel good, whereas random instructions or what they consider unfair or uncomfortable never really hold any weight whatever the threat or warning.

btw, I've been through all this, I completely understand how you feel, and this is all with the benefit of hindsight. We've had many of the scenes you describe - please listen to zzzzz too, it is easy to overestimate the malice or intent behind a child's emotions. They are just that, a reaction, anxiety shame, fear. Fear that you hate him is more likely than him hating you.

Idespairbuthope Mon 09-Nov-15 21:22:13

Thank you all so much for your feedback. This asd is such a learning curve and I know it's going to be a tough ride but with support groups like mumsnet it will hopefully make even the worst days manageable. smile

Idespairbuthope Mon 09-Nov-15 21:25:12

Knittingwithnettles, how do I go about getting him to obey instructions, he has a very 'why should I ' attitude which is a nightmare to work with confused

Ineedmorepatience Tue 10-Nov-15 09:43:18

Demand avoidant behaviour is extremely common with Asd and it goes hand in hand with anxiety and the need to be in control!

I would recommend that you reduce demands to an absolute minimum and if he will work with visuals try using them instead so set up a visual timeine so he know exactly what is happening and when.

Also try to build necessary demands into your routine, for example always showering on particular days, we find that our shower dodger can cope better if she knows that there is an expectation that on wednesdays and saturdays she goes in the shower!

We still get wailing and rolling on the floor sometimes but its no where near as bad as it used to be.

There is a lot to learn but you have found a brilliant place for support, welcome.

Good luck flowers

shazzarooney99 Tue 10-Nov-15 11:46:19

I wanted to reply to this the other day, but i couldnt, my maam got buried last week and the day before her funeral my son started, he pulled my hair, punched me and strangled me.

Its something that happening on a regular basis and like you i dont know what to do with it as he has no official diagnoses.

All i can say at the moment is keep strong, thats what im trying to do, ive lost so much weight through stress, but my mum dying has now made me think i need to start looking after myself, easier said than done when in out position but thats what we need to do. xxxxxxxxxx

Idespairbuthope Sat 14-Nov-15 23:00:33

Thank you patience and shazza. smile

kelda Sun 15-Nov-15 10:00:25

I'm reading this thread carefully. We have been told that ds aged seven has significant ASD traits (he has a diagnosis of verbal dyspraxia, epilepsy and they have told us to expect a diagnosis of Tourette's so ASD should not really come as a shock).

The last few weeks have been crisis and although ds is calming down a bit now, every few nights he attacks me before bedtime. I am slowly learning what triggers him but it is soul destroying for both of us.

I have always known that he is young for his age, but it's been very hard to demonstrate exactly why.

Ineedmorepatience Sun 15-Nov-15 10:31:47

Dd3's paediatrician told us that children with Asd have a delay in their emotional/social skills by at least one third so for example my Dd3 is 13 take one third off that makes her emotional/social age around 8 and a half which to me would be right!

Try to think of your son in terms of his developmental age rather than his chronological age and things might make a bit more sense.

Good luck flowers

kelda Sun 15-Nov-15 12:07:29

Thank you, I will try and do that.

Idespairbuthope what were the factors that lead to a diagnosis? Your son is a similar age to mine.

Idespairbuthope Sun 15-Nov-15 14:21:22

Hi kelda, he was disruptive at school. I knew something wasn't right as he is socially awkward and behaves inappropriately in many situations. He's very bright, but won't focus when required to at school so he is behind academically. I was struggling with his behaviour at home too, kicking and hitting me, and nothing I tried worked. I asked school for help and they referred me to the school nurse. She did an instant referral to paed and at his first appointment with her she said its prob aspergers. We then went to the board for ados assessment and that was in June. The whole thing took about a year but that's quick apparently!

Idespairbuthope Sun 15-Nov-15 14:23:52

It took till the Tuesday for him to settle after his violent outburst on Saturday, he wet the bed on Monday night, does anyone think that the bed wetting could be connected to the anxiety, anger? I've always put it down to tiredness and not waking up but wondering if it may be another reason????hmm

kelda Sun 15-Nov-15 15:44:19

Bed wetting at night time can certainly be due to stress. My ds still wets at night time, but we're not really sure if that's due to the epilepsy.

My ds has been very disruptive at school, firstly due to the Tourette's (although no-one knew what it was), and then aggressive outbursts. Now we think he developed the epilepsy at about the same time but didn't know that either.

He can't go back to his school and he has a place in a SN school for communication disorders and autism. He can't start there until extra supervision is in place, so he is at home, and I am trying to figure out how I am supposed to get back to work.

It was the SN school who immediately said he has ASD traits and the psychiatrists agree, but I don't know when he will get a formal diagnosis.

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