How to handle over-sensitive child?

[Fourarmsv2]

DS2 (9) is over sensitive to being told off, things going wrong, losing things.... Anything negative.

So a warning at school (he's had 3 in last two school years) results in crying at school, awful behaviour at home and anxiety for weeks.

Teacher and SENCO have both said he needs to 'man up'.

But this is him. He's always been different from DS1. Fragile.

Post the last issue I've raised this formally with the SENCO (other sensory issues too) and asked them to refer me / him for help.

Very little evidence of issues in school, it all comes out at home.

Yesterday he didn't get a part in the school play. We've had hours of crying, initial refusal to go to school and then him being (gently) taken from me at the school door by a lovely support worker.

How can I help him? How should
I be dealing with his irrational level of upset to things most people shrug off instantly or quickly?

I'm not quite sure what (if anything) might be his issue. He did stop breathing at birth and it took a good few minutes to resuscitate him. He has some medical issues that were diagnosed antenatally. He's been a different / difficult baby, toddler and now child. He ticks lots of SPD boxes. Who should I be asking to see? He's been referred to the school nurse and an OT.

[Fourarmsv2]

Zzzzz - I'm not really sure what you mean? I should create more positive experiences? I'll look into mindfulness but I'm not sure he can be rational when upset.

Thanks PG - is that helping with worrying about things that have happened or just things that might happen? DS2 worries about both. So a car crash on TV and he's worrying that will happen to me etc. in addition to his OTT reactions to negative things that have happened.

[Youarentkiddingme]

My ds is a worrier re getting into trouble etc. For him it seems to be routed in the fact he doesn't know how to react to situations.
For us talking through how he thinks he can handle situations helps - but it does take a long time of going over and over it and them having to see that his solution works when he gets the opportunity to try it out.

I ignore those that tell him to man up!

[Fourarmsv2]

I know. Trying to keep them on side, but it hurt. It makes me sad to think that's how they feel though.

I'm a natural worrier too, if something goes wrong it takes a lot of mental effort for me to 'not cry over spilt milk', DS2 isn't there yet. I take ADs which really help with this, maybe there's a genetic link? Having done lots of research into SPD I have lots of the issues too when I'm stressed, can keep a lid on it most of the time due to the AD I think.

He seems to struggle A LOT more though if he comprehends something as unfair. E.g. A warning from a teacher for talking in a test when he was asking a friend to pass a rubber.

He actually ran away from a dinner lady the other day because he felt that he was about to be unfairly told off. That's a first, and I suspect only because the dinner lady is also his best friend's mum. Otherwise he manages to mask his feelings very well at school.

[Fourarmsv2]

Zzz - we try really hard with building positive experiences, but any tiny minor issue clouds his feelings completely. So he could win £1 on 2p machines but still fret about the 2p that got stuck so he couldn't play it. Giving him 2p doesn't eradicate the feeling.

[Fourarmsv2]

He often won't even talk about the negative thing.

I see the wobbly bottom lip and can sometimes probe and get it out. I hate it when it's something I can easily sort (lost minion toy, mislaid jumper at school or something he's broken that was destined for the bin) that he's made himself sick with worry about.

Other times I just get this angry boy. That I know is probably a sad boy, but until he tells me what do I do?

He just can't bring himself to talk to me about it. :(

[Fourarmsv2]

Food for thought zzzz

I don't think he cares about my approval. I get most of the anger and rage. He was in pieces yesterday but didn't mention it at all to his dad on the phone (works away M-F).

He cares a little more about his dad's approval.

But he mainly seeks in school and equally feels pain if he doesn't have it.

His teacher's word is gospel. Never mind that DH and I are fairly well educated. Trying to dissuade him of something he believes his teacher has said is impossible and results in melt downs. He has an excellent memory (for facts and events) and can't cope with generalisation.

Will ask him about his feelings re luck tomorrow.

PG - it's hard isn't it. I hate saying 'he's upset' when he's having a temper tantrum or 'he's tired' or 'hungry'. His emotions seem a bit scrambled. Sometimes I don't realise and then a biscuit and a hot chocolate and I've got a new child and he was just hungry / low blood sugar.

I don't think his diet helps. He massively restricts what he'll eat so eats a really high carb diet. His blood sugar swings must be massive. I'm the same, but I eat a low carb diet to control it. He couldn't because his staples are pasta, bread & weetabix. :(

He's a complicated little soul. I wish I could pin it down to one thing and have a strategy to help him. Wonder how long it will be until we see an OT? And if they can even help him?

[Jerbil]

There is a book called "what to do when you worry too much". Might be worth you working on that with your DC and see if you can start to unravel things so you know who best to go to. CAMHS, if you can get a referral and get a decent professional would be great.

[Jerbil]

oh, sorry. also if you're thinking sensory overload then The Out of Sync child is a fantastic book too.

[Fourarmsv2]

Honestly, yes PG, since he was very small I've suspected some ASD. I've asked at nursery, reception, school nurse, SENCO...

He has changed a little over the years - he was very demand avoidant previously, but I suspect he still is, it's just that circumstances (GPs used to look after him and his brother before & after school, now brother is in Y7 so it's just him) and our handling of him have changed and so the situation has appeared to show an improvement.

If it's just him and me and I handle him correctly he's OK. Ish. If someone else looks after him (thinking back to a dreadful almost extended family splitting apart incident), things can go horribly wrong.

Can children with Aspergers mask at school?

Other random thing - they have a mental maths competition at school. He always does well because he memorised the times table facts from a poster. Struggles a bit more with division, but is still faster than me. But doesn't know his number bonds and so counts on his fingers. ?!?

I'll see if they have those books in our staff library (teacher) Thankyou :)

[Youarentkiddingme]

I'm with polt this is just words on a screen but your earlier post resonated with me - my DS has a primary dx of asd.
He is the same with maths as well cannot recall number bonds, or for him his timetables, yet just did a GCSE modular paper on angles and got 100% - he's year 7! There's certain patterns and things he sees but certain things he just cannot internalise and generalise.

Have a look at spikey profiles.

And yes totally masking isn't uncommon. These children are cognitively able and so can work out the behaviour isn't ok - behave appropriately - but it's a full time job masking and the resulting meltdowns are often mammoth as a result. I always describe it like imagining being placed in a home of a foreign family and different culture. Knowing how to imitate what's acceptable for them - but not knowing what you can and should be doing. Exhausting.

You sound like you are really handling it well though.

[Youarentkiddingme]

That's interesting zzzzz I'll look into that. I've also been thinking a lot today about the positive experiences and the amount needed to counteract a negative one.
Ds had an OT assessment this morning and it was interesting hearing him say he doesn't do many things because he knows he can't and hates that he fails when he tries. I said how I never mind if he tries and fails (drops objects, spills stuff etc). I then considered that perhaps he does need more physical support from me to succeed at certain things before he has the confidence to try alone again.

[Fourarmsv2]

It's so lovely to be able to talk to you all. Although I'm sorry your LOs have these issues too.

Will read about spikey profiles.... Whilst I watch a small boy doing constant forward and backward rolls the length of the lounge whilst watching TV. Seems to be how he destresses. He's really tired this week with all of the fireworks that have been going off. His hearing is amazing.... Great at times, but it means alarms and fireworks drive him insane.

[Youarentkiddingme]

If you want a fireworks story that's sad but also quite amusing four. My DS had swim training tonight. The kids all wear onesies for ease. Ds is a fluffy bear one. We needed milk so stopped at co op on way home.
There may at some point this evening been a fluffy bear with hood up, fingers in ears running down the road screaming and cursing me for losing his ear defenders
He didn't get run over though in the process so I consider it a successful trip!

And yes yes to the hearing. My DS rarely hears/responds to his name or a question - but a noise outside the house he is alert to it quickly and wants to know exactly what it was. It's unlikely I've even heard it! His hearing is extremely acute too!