Sleep deprivation- and a solution?or wishful thinking?

[Lesley25]

My ds1 is 7 and has asd. For years dh co slept whilst I co slept with my ds2( 4) .He doesn't need me to co sleep with him, I did it out of guilt really so I felt like he got me for that time to himself. Dh is fed up and wants me to sort this situation as he goes out to work and just can't function as dss sleep means he's constantly waking for a while during the night. I'm trying to uncurl myself out of this situation. The first step last night was both dss together, stories fall asleep then I moved ds2 into his own bed, left all bed doors open and made a camp bed on the floor next to ds1. I can hear ds2 from the other room v easily so thought I could comfort both. So, when each one woke I shushed and reassured that mummy was here, waited a Minute (didn't get into their beds) and went back to my camp bed- when ds1 woke I was right there in a second to soothe (again not get into bed) and reassure and he settled back down. This happened probably about 30 times with ds1, 5 times with ds2.
I am a zombie today.
I'm hoping this will get better.
Do I carry on with the strategy for a week and then move into the landing and do the same or do I have months ahead of me?
Ds 1 (asd) is non verbal and is used to the skin contact (one body part has to be in contact with his) so this is why he's constantly getting up. Ds2 (nt) is appreciative of the increased bed space but is much more aware "mummy didn't sleep with me last night" which I've emphasised means he's such a big boy and I also said I was watching him the whole time anyway because mummy's got to sleep in the floor with her bad back.
No melatonin purely because he gets to sleep within an hour and I feel this is more behavioural and I've made the mistake of allowing reliance on us being there when co-sleeping.
I just wanted to ask if anyone else had this battle?

[Lesley25]

I have a really thick duvet with another one on top of it which ds1 loves- I control the temp to about 17 degrees in his room so he's not over or under heated.
Ds1 is aggressive with ds2 so I couldn't leave them together for a hole night without the fear keeping me awake!
Thank you for the suggestions, I do actually wonder if the weighted blanket is fundamentally different to 2 heavy duvets and maybe needs exploring for ds1...

[Lesley25]

Sleeping bags! I missed that. That could really work! Right I'm googling Argos..

[Ineedmorepatience]

Definitely look at weighted blankets, Dd3 loves hers, the rules do say they are not supposed to sleep under them all night though! Dd3 does because she is the size of an adult and I know she kicks it off because its often on the florr in the morning!

I think your plan of gradual retreat sounds like the way to go FWIW!

Good luck

[Lesley25]

Thanks Polter and Ineed, I'm mentally psyching myself up for a tough night again so if it's easier it's all a bonus. Gradual retreat made me laugh, yep- it's exactly that, a battle of wills with only one loser, my sanity and sleep! So,my plan is to see how tonight goes, and re plan tomorrow's jobs to include a review of sleeping bags! If I can get them to feel as close to the feeling of his cotton sheets I'll remortgage the house to get them...

[Lesley25]

Oh Polter thank you so much, I'll pm you X

[Lesley25]

I have a miricle weighted belt I spent a fortune on a few years back which was no good for ds - too heavy and he didn't take to it but I'll also happily post and pass on if you or anyone else needs it?

[Lesley25]

We are the same here... And I'm not going to lie, it's definitely not subtle!

[Lesley25]

I just wanted to update incase anyone's doing the same.
Last night was much better. Only 10 times waking up with ds1 and 2 times with ds2. I moved both boys from the same bed as soon as they were asleep - tiny mistake but I was knackered and just wanted to sleep too but ds1 woke briefly. I nestled down in my camp bed quickly left both doors open and waited. Ds1 settled back down after 30 minutes. Ds1 woke probably 10 times but settled after minutes from 8-4:15. Ds1 is tired and cranky but I'm hoping now he's starting to realise this is the new normal it will get even better, overall I'm ecstatic because I managed to get about 4 hours!

[Lesley25]

Zzzz , I cannot imagine a night in my own bed alone -the last time was 7.5 years ago!!! I'm praying it's not too long but I can't help dreaming of the day it will happen.
I'll keep updating.
On the flip side ds1 is unbelievably cranky these days, but a tooth has fallen out and I'm desperately trying not to think he's cross with me and feeling abandoned at bedtime.

[Lesley25]

Wow. Last night better again.
Ds1 woke roughly 5 times but settled in seconds with just saying "mummy's here", quick touch of the head then hand removed after 30 seconds and asleep. Now he is fairly exhausted after the last 2 nights (started sat night) but he went to sleep at 7:30 and woke at 5:15 this morning - had ds2 not woken earlier, I think he could've gone through to 6 following above strategy.
Ds2 only woke once, but woke the earliest at 4:40 properly.
Both boys went to sleep again in the same bed following the same routine and this time I noticed they fell asleep not needing to feel that I was next to them and asleep by 7:30. I didn't move them straight away this time,45 minutes later instead and when I did move them I didn't position ds2 or move him near the door (as I had previously which resulted in him waking for an extra 30 minutes) I left him as he was.
I slept in the doorway/landing and may venture further towards my bedroom but I don't want to dream too big!!

[Ineedmorepatience]

YAY!! Well done you

And your boys

[Lesley25]

Thanks everyone!

[Lesley25]

I blame the rain last night...
Ds1 up around 20 times BUT I think it was the rain and I'm chalking it down to a minor blip. The good thing to come out of us this experience is knowing that ds1 is tired and cranky this morning and having 2 obstacles preventing him from sleep- rain and lack of mum contact is a bit much. Ds2 was up twice too.
I also thought it was a bit nippy and the light duvet wasn't enough so I'm off to dunelm to get a bigger duvet and hot water bottles. I wonder if the heat from hot water bottles would mimic a "mum" feeling in bed.
We will try both tonight.
In the meantime, espresso for one!

[Lesley25]

I just wanted to update and sob
Ds2 neurotypical manages a while 9 hours in bed by himself- waking maybe only once but goes to sleep again with a quick touch and tuck in.
Ds1 (asd) having a really tough time. I'm back to sleeping in his bedroom In the door way for the last 3 nights. He's gone back to waking every 10 minutes and a quick soothe isn't enough, he's awake for hours between 1-4 usually and probably only getting 2 hours from 7:30- 12.
I've done exactly the same and incoperated tighter bedding, heavier duvets and a hot water bottle hidden in a pillow next to him- all of which worked for days previously. We are literally back to the first nights pattern.
The only thing I've changed is I've put ds1 back on his add medication (medikinet xl 10mg at 6am) because his behaviour was terrible and we were housebound for the first 4 days of half term. I'm sure what's happened is that his medication, whilst he's at school helps and tires him out in a way that being at home simply doesn't. He's tired and grumpy today because of the lack of sleep during the last 3 nights but I'm not medicating today and the rest of the holidays- I get respite from dh who is off this weekend so we will muddle through.
Does anyone have any ideas on what else could be wrong? Are these blips par for the course?
I did think could ds1 be coming down with something so when he woke I've given him calpol - it's not made any difference, so I'm sure he's not in pain.