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does it sound like there is something more going on here or am i just a shit parent?

(28 Posts)
SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 20:16:46

i'll apologise in advance for this being rambly because I'm struggling and frustrated and it all feels such a muddle in my head. I don't know what to do.

DS is 6(may) he is dry but soils his pants almost daily. he cannot read. he has an explosive temper and he has speech issues

toileting: he can use the toilet. he has gone periods of time where he will have no accidents for up to a week or so but usually he will have an accident, or at least stains in his pants. he says he doesn't know when he needs to poo, however there are times when he does know and will say so and go to the toilet. I have taken him to the GP who didn't even examine him but said it isn't uncommon for DC to still have toilet issues at age 6. he prescribed him movicol, however DS can taste it in his drinks and refuses to take it. I tried sneaking it in his cereal before bed which he didn't seem to notice but he didn't finish the bowl and I didn't notice any effect today. should I even be giving it at night?

reading: he hates reading. he will sit and look at books for ages and tell himself stories about what is happening. he will happily sit and be read to and he can recognise a few two or three letter words, his own name etc but that is it. when he is reading his school books it is very clear he is just remembering and guessing the words from the pictures, he doesn't even look at the words. when I try to get him to read he gets frustrated and refuses to read anymore.

temper: first brought to my attention when he was 4 in P1 by his teacher. continued into p2 and the teacher put him on an IEP and I saw progress, she also discussed with me the possibility of working with a family support worker at sure start which I have done now and he has been seeing FSW since july once a week although actually his temper losses seem to have gotten worse in that time IME. today in school he threw a chair and scratched two children. (yes he is that child) sad I am trying really hard at home and every morning reminding him about going to the quiet corner to calm down, smell the chocolate cake and blow out the candles (breathe in and out slowly) the teacher is also supporting this and allows him to just go to the corner if he needs to calm down. today's incident happened whilst he was in the quiet corner! confused

speech: he has been under the care of a SALT since he was 2 years old. initially because he wasn't speaking much at all and then his speech was very unclear. it has improved greatly but he isn't ready to be discharged however the school SALT is no longer available to him as he is now p3 so he will have to go to the hospital for his sessions. he has an appointment for late November and hasn't seen SALT since may.

thank you If you are still with me. I am starting to wonder if these aren't all separate things and are maybe all part of something bigger going on that I haven't spotted? also today his head teacher (when bollocking him for his meltdown in class) pointed out that he was chewing on his tongue a lot and swirling it about in his mouth, asked his teacher about whether he sits well in class (teacher said he does) and also said something else that sounded like "does he have a wobble ball?" (is that a thing?) but she kind of mumbled it so I couldn't really make it out but it was clear she was thinking something that she wasn't saying (to me) also, she kept having to ask him to "look at me" repeatedly, and I know I have to do this myself, he doesn't hold eye contact. I am seeing her again next Thursday to see how the week has gone and she mentioned intervention if behaviour doesn't improve.

so, could this all be part of something ive been missing or am I just that shit I cant get him to behave and go to the bloody toilet? I feel pretty shit today if im honest.

PolterGoose Thu 24-Sep-15 21:07:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 21:43:46

thank you polter

honestly I have no idea what to think. I have no experience of SN, my older DS has none of these issues. I think it just hit me today when the head teacher mentioned eye contact and seemed to be considering something in relation to his tongue swirling that maybe all these things weren't separate issues, that maybe they are all part of something. I kind of always put each individual issue down to immaturity and hoped/assumed they would resolve themselves. friends are telling me they will but as time goes on and I'm still being called into the classroom at least once a week and we're still having accidents in his pants I wonder if maybe it isn't an age thing at all. I don't know.

i'll ask if this can be moved to the SN board and maybe some people there might have dealt with similar. thanks again.

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 21:45:19

oh, WRT hearing. his hearing seems fine in that I haven't been aware of him struggling but of course I could be completely missing something there. thanks for that suggestion.

PolterGoose Thu 24-Sep-15 21:49:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Thu 24-Sep-15 21:50:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 21:54:29

yes he breastfed til 20 months and no tongue tie, well none that I was made aware of. I am guessing they check for that when they are born?

PeppasNanna Thu 24-Sep-15 22:03:14

SurlyCue firstly & foremast you are*not*a shit parent. If you were you wouldn't be engaging with the school, SALT & FSW.

Has your ds been referred to a paediatrician?
Has an Educational Psychologist been involved with the school?
Have you spoken to your GP about your ds difficulties?

If no them all of the above need to happen.
You are doing all you can. I think the school should be pushing for outside help so that they can help your ds. flowers

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 22:10:48

Has your ds been referred to a paediatrician?
Has an Educational Psychologist been involved with the school?
Have you spoken to your GP about your ds difficulties?

no to all of these. but today I have been thinking this needs to happen. I am going to change GP though because I find him very dismissive of any concerns, including my own health issues so I will do that ASAP and make an appointment with a new GP for DS.

SlipperyJack Thu 24-Sep-15 22:21:01

I'm on phone and find it hard to write lots so please forgive the brevity: have you seen a specialist about the soiling? My DS had terrible problems with it; turned out he was impacted up to his tonsils and needed lengthy treatment. Once we got it sorted though, wow - his poor communication, poor eye contact, tantrums, social anxiety etc (all of which had earned him a diagnosis of ASD at age 4) improved like you wouldn't believe.

I can't help wondering how much his behaviour was linked to his bowel problems. We went private to see a GI consultant as I had insurance through work. Not sure how much I'd have had to nag the GP for a referral.

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 22:29:43

my mum has pondered/suggested this evening that his toilet issues could be the source of everything else so it's interesting to hear that you have had this experience!

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 22:30:36

so when I see the GP I say what? ask for a referral? to who?

SlipperyJack Thu 24-Sep-15 22:36:44

DS is still officially diagnosed with ASD but TBH he now presents mostly as just a bit eccentric. His school have confirmed that he needs no additional support, and at home we're not encountering the same level of meltdowns or other challenging behaviour.

I guess we all know how miserable we are when our guts are playing up. DS had gone for many months with huge quantities of faeces stuck inside him, unbeknownst to us.

Have a look at the ERIC website for their infosheets on constipation and soiling.

SlipperyJack Thu 24-Sep-15 22:42:03

Scroll down for the bit on soiling (though it's all worth a read).

SurlyCue Thu 24-Sep-15 22:42:28

Have a look at the ERIC website for their infosheets on constipation and soiling.

thanks slippery I will do.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 25-Sep-15 12:29:33

Hi there,

Thanks to everyone who's contributed so far. We're moving this thread over to our SN children topic now, at the OP's request.

SurlyCue we hope you get lots more good advice and support. flowers

SurlyCue Fri 25-Sep-15 15:32:44

thanks DawnMN

bumping to see if anyone here has experience of similar?

PolterGoose Fri 25-Sep-15 16:48:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenStarlight Fri 25-Sep-15 17:01:40


You poor thing. What I am reading is that you've had shit professional services, not that you are a shit parent.

In your shoes I would do three key things.

The first is to keep a log of every encounter with every professional/teacher, noting the time, date, quote and nature of the issues raised. So that you can recall incidents or things that people have said as and when you need to. I would also list on there times that you have phoned someone, even if you have only left a message. It can take you a long way to be able to say 'I called on this date, this date, this date, this date and this date and I have still not had a response'.

The second is to keep a diary of specific examples of things that concern you about your child on a day to day basis. Perhaps the odd video too.

The third is to research hypertonia, ASD, ADHD, PDA, Dyspraxia, Auditory Processing Disorder and any other neurological disorders that you come across. Find the lists of symptoms and from them make your very own list of the things from each of them that you feel fits your child. Then take that list, with one or two written real life examples, to your GP and request a referral to a developmental paediatrician, leaving the list with them and asking them to put it on file (keeping a copy for yourself.)

These 3 things will help you get a handle on what is going on, increase your sense of control and enable you to move forward in a positive way.

Youarentkiddingme Fri 25-Sep-15 17:36:45

You are not a shit parent - if you wher you wouldn't be here asking advice.

I agree there's lots going on.

Bowel issues can be related to hypotonia and/or chronic constipation. If a child is constipated a lot their bowel enlarges and they can't feel that 'urge to go' also if there's some solid poo - impaction - then watery stool builds up behind, sneaks around and leaks into underwear. Movicol can help with this as it holds water in the bowel and softens stool so it will soften an impaction for it to be passed. However it can take up to a year for the bowel to return to normal and Movicol is often used during this period. If the go suspects an impaction they will tell you to increase the amount daily until they've gone.

With regards anger - I'd suspect it's related to his difficulties in speech. Perhaps he's struggling to communicate and also struggling to communicate, or maybe even understand his feelings.

A wobble cushion is a seat that is used for a variety of reasons. It aids core stability and concentration but the correct one needs to be used and I'd ask the school to get an OT in to assess him.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 25-Sep-15 18:16:46

<wanders in from pub>

shit parent is a way of shifting blame so they do not have to do anything that takes effort and costs money.


ask a different gp for a referral for assessment.
ask senco if she will refer
speak to class teacher and see if she has concerns.
speak to senco to see if they can support him with the meltdowns.

can he hear sounds in words? (would he be able to tell if cat began with c? and had a and t?)
if you say d-o-g can he put them together to make dog?

happy to provide some suggestions if needed.

also have a set of OT exercises for regulating emotions if wanted.

<see you in the goose and carrot later... there will be a drink behind the bar>

SurlyCue Fri 25-Sep-15 18:54:11

thank you all. I could actually weep for getting real actual advice! these are such great suggestions. things I would never have thought to do/investigate on my own. thank you. I will get cracking on all these suggestions.

I spoke to teacher today and arranged a meeting with her on Monday to discuss an up to date IEP. she said she was looking over last year's IEP and discussing with his last teacher and she can see the progress he made but agrees there definitely needs to be more done so I will sit over the weekend and write down everything I want to discuss with her. I will say now that I was apprehensive about him moving to this teacher as when she taught my older son I found her quite difficult to get any straight answers or support if he was having problems in class. I was/am still worried that her approach might set DS2 back when he was progressing so well. so far it does look like he has gone backwards since june however I am allowing for the summer break in routine and change of teacher/pace of classwork etc. I was/am hoping this is an adjustment period but nonetheless his behaviour is a real problem for all concerned.

QueenStarlight Fri 25-Sep-15 20:52:36

Good luck with the meeting on Monday.

Just a word of warning. Don't try to diagnose your child, even if they fit the symptoms of one 'condition' more than the others. Diagnosing is for the medically qualified. However you do need to give them the evidence of symptoms that is why real life examples of how your child appears to fit them is very helpful.

Documented and handed to a GP though means they cannot ignore them, as you have created evidence of concerns they can be later accused of not auctioning potentially.

A paediatrician is always the preference with suspected neurological difficulties. A referral to CAHMS can sometimes be given, especially the older the child, and though this can lead to the same outcome eventually, it usually takes longer and requires the family to jump through more hoops (such as parenting courses and family therapy).

SurlyCue Fri 25-Sep-15 22:36:28

Thank you queen i really appreciate that advice and will be keeping it all in mind.

QueenStarlight Sat 26-Sep-15 09:46:31

No problem. Keep coming back to the board if you need help or suggestions. Most people have been through plenty and can signpost.

Keep documents of everything. Take your own minutes (Even if they are taken by someone else) and write up every meeting for your own file, but even better if you can send to those who attended with a request that should you have misunderstood anything they will clarify.

This has the bonus of a)reminding them of what they promised and b)demonstrating that you are keeping a record of what they have promised.

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