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I Want To Wring His Neck - What Do I Do???

(22 Posts)
scubawoman Thu 06-May-04 13:12:59

Have just come back after being asked to pick up my son (AS) from school.
Apparently he was having a bad morning and it was thought best to take him out before things deteriorated. When I asked if there had been any triggers none could be thought of, and the teaching assistant (general not his specifically) told me there had been an incident in which he had teased her daughter, so she had stepped back and let someone else deal with it.
When we got into the car I asked what had gone on, and it transpires that he had been sent into the heads office for 5 mins time out. The TA's daughter was in there and he said to her "haha - your brother died". He died last year.
I cannot believe he said it, I feel sick, ashamed, embarrassed. I have tried explaining to him how it would make other people feel - used the recent example of DH losing his grandfather 2 weeks ago, and tried to get across that it is much more tragic when a young child dies.
What do I do?
Obviously he will have to apologise tomorrow, in other circumstances I have made him write a letter as I think it makes him take it in more, also his verbal deliverance always appears insincere.
Do I go in and see the TA when I pick up my DD from school later - maybe with a bunch of flowers?
Do I wait until tomorrow - the head is away today, so am sure I will be called in in the morning.
Nothing is going to make up for it though.
Advice appreciated.

binkie Thu 06-May-04 13:33:28

I wanted to respond as I see you are likely to see the TA very soon.

What jumps out from your message is (a) how sensitive and considerate you are and (b) how brilliantly well in the circumstances the TA dealt with it - basically not forcing you to see her pain. That being the case, my immediate idea would be a letter from you to her, not from your son to her daughter - so that you can say what needs to be said while letting her keep her dignity, which is so hard to do when talking face to face. And as she must already know about your son's problems with emotional understanding, I'm sure she is not blaming him - but maybe needs to know from you how seriously you take it and how you are trying to help him.

Hope that helps - I'm sure others will be along to help too soon.

scubawoman Thu 06-May-04 14:50:49

Thanks Binkie - am off with my letter now.
It was difficult to write. She has always been very good with him, and has kept calm when others have found it difficult. I'm glad I took the time to find out from him what went on, otherwise I would have remained ignorant, and hate to think of that.

Chocol8 Thu 06-May-04 15:19:20

Oh Scubawoman, you poor, poor thing. My heart goes out to you. I think Binkie is totally right in that the letter may be better coming from you, and that the TA dealt with this exceptionally well.

I know that you feel you want to wring your ds' neck, I really do. My ds (AS also) occasionally does this sort of thing, and like your ds, not because he is being malicious, he just doesn't understand. Things fly out of his mouth before he has a chance to stop them.

As you said, he will have to apologise to the TA's (and her daughter), but maybe some flowers or a box of Roses may help?

Good luck in the morning!

scubawoman Thu 06-May-04 17:21:24

Well I took it in and went shopping.
Came back to a message from the head saying thank you so much etc etc, could I ring her.
I knew what was coming next He is being excluded for 3 days on the grounds of emotional bullying - apparently he has said it once before, and it was explained why he shouldn't say it. She has suggested that they have this worry that he hasn't got Aspergers as he is aware of the fact that what he says will hurt peoples' feelings. Suggested that when my husband goes to see psychiatrist tomorrow about DS he asks him about Gross Detatchment Disorder as someone was talking about it today in relation to a child who was showing Autistic tendencies but didn't in actual fact have it.
Have done a search on Google but can't trawl up anything - anyone know about it?
I can understand how that family went to live in the wilds of Scotland - My life at home is relatively stress free - it's when we have to venture out in the world the trouble starts.

Thomcat Thu 06-May-04 17:24:00

Oh no. You poor things. Wish I could say something of use but am USEless. Sorry

lou33 Thu 06-May-04 17:55:07

Scuba, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time atm. I did a little bit of research, and I think the GDD you talk about is also known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. I found a website here , which may or may not be helpful, and also here .

Hope these are useful. I haven't read them through enough to know. Good luck

Nutcracker Thu 06-May-04 18:00:02

I have no expeireance in this area at all so please tell me to shut up if i'm speaking out of turn, but i do feel that exluding him for 3 days is a bit harsh.
Obviously he did actually say it, but if they are not sure wether he has aspergers or not and wether he knew exactly what he was saying then i feel 3 days is a bit harsh.

If i was the TA i don't think i'd expect them to be excluded.

dinosaur Thu 06-May-04 18:20:59

Scubawoman, really sorry about this, my sympathy to all concerned.

I don't really have any advice but I don't like the sound of this "worry that he hasn't got Asperger's" - if he has got a formal diagnosis of Asperger's then it's not up to the school to start casting doubt on that. Also I can't see the relevance - I mean, my DS1 knows damn well that it physically hurts other children if he kicks or pinches them but I don't think that in any way detracts from his diagnosis of high-functioning autism. I would say more that the point is with your son and my son is that they know it hurts but they can't grasp why exactly that is such a big deal.

Anyway, I agree with Nutty, three day exclusion sounds very harsh in the circumstances, although I realise that the TA and her daughter must be very upset. Does your son have a statement?

scubawoman Thu 06-May-04 19:07:53

Thanks for the replies. The GDD or RAD doesn't seem to be relevant. I'm getting used to 'well meaning' people suggesting all sorts of things, the best was from a rather religious friend of mine who asked if I had any members of my family in the Masons, as apparently it can curse you!!!!.
He has been formally diagnosed with Aspergers, and I know he fits in nicely with the label, but that's all it is - it doesn't bring a magical opening of doors to support and services that he needs.
The exclusion is because the school are in the process of applying for a statement for him. He has been on half days since last year, with full time support from a LA. He responds well to this, so there wasn't anything of major concern to write about in their report. For the last 2 weeks he has been having only half an hour support each day, with a view to something like this happening and the LEA having to sit up and take notice.
Sorry if I am going on.

Chocol8 Thu 06-May-04 21:23:00

Before my ds was diagnosed, the headteacher said that she had her suspicions about what it was but would NOT give her opinion as that was "not her job". She was right, it is upto the consultants and professionals to diagnose and give/not give medication. The school have no right to say this.

3 days exclusion is shocking IMO. How are you feeling now, a few hours on?

scubawoman Thu 06-May-04 21:39:25

I'm OK - few glasses of wine always helps
DH and I have had a long discussion with DS, I hate them as it is really difficult to try not to put words into their mouths. As far as I can make out he went into the Heads office and the girl was sitting in the Heads chair, which according to him is against the rules as you are only allowed to sit there if given permission, and as the Head was not there no permission could have been granted. Still can't work out why he said exactly what he did though.

Chocol8 Thu 06-May-04 22:04:37

There is a certain logic to this seeing the situation through my ds' eyes. I feel sure that my ds would have said something given this scenario too.

Things HAVE to be done his way, by the rules, straight down the line - or not at all.

Ha ha ha, wine - good call!

popsycal Thu 06-May-04 22:09:54

Scuba - i am so sorry that this has happened

i too feel that 3 days exclusion is extremely harsh

SofiaAmes Thu 06-May-04 22:47:01

wow. My 10 year old stepson who has special needs solely because he is dyslexic was only excluded for a day after swearing at and punching a teacher. 3 days sounds a little excessive. Not sure I understood the bit about making the LEA pay attention. Is that good for you? If so maybe the 3 days is a good thing and not done just because they think it's the appropriate punishment for his behavior.

mrsforgetful Thu 06-May-04 23:14:31

scubawoman- really understand- my AS son 10yrs has a real thing about talking about dying at the moment- and caused my 7yr old (AS dx on the way) to say that " because thomas is always saying he wants to kill me i think my life was at risk from the day i was born"

And thats 1 AS brother to another.

Well done for the way you have handled it- and keep us informed.

ScummyMummy Fri 07-May-04 00:01:12

Oh poor you, scuba. That sounds awful. I too think you handled it really well and I also agree that the 3 day exclusion is very harsh. Does the school know much about Asperger's?

scubawoman Fri 07-May-04 06:04:35

Thanks again everyone.
I started trying to write, but can't stop crying. I just want to resolve things, am so tired, he is 9 now and his childhood is slipping away.

Chocol8 Fri 07-May-04 09:07:34

How are you now Scubawoman? Please don't cry - things like this do happen and there is nothing more you can do about it.

We cannot be responsible for all our children's actions or words and we certainly can't be responsible for AS children when they come out with something strange or unusual, which is often.

Rest assured that you have dealt with this superbly and sensitively and hopefully with the support of MN - what would we do without them eh?

Take care, try and relax (if possible) and keep posting. xx

maryz Fri 07-May-04 10:01:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

binkie Fri 07-May-04 10:03:31

I can't really add to Chocol8's good message, except to add my sympathy too, and to say that you do sound lovely and wise. And also that on here there is always someone who understands.

tigermoth Fri 07-May-04 19:41:06

I have no first hand experience of AS but maryz's question - was he just making a factual statement 'your brother has died' - seems a really good one to me. I am so sorry you are upset - you have been so sensitive to everyone's feelings here. You must be exhausted with all that empathising.

I agree that 3 days exclusion seems excessive but as others have said, is this an example of the school trying to get your son more support? I hope you are feeling a bit better now. Thank goodness no school tomorrow.

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