Do you? what do you think is appropriate? this evening after another meltdown,with hitting and smashing his brothers iphone i have said no football and he will be losing his spends till hes paid for the iphone, does this sound to harsh?
Thanks guys, its hard i work with sen children and i know the strategies i use with them, however when it comes to your own children its totally different, and i dont get a break because im generaly out at work all day, then come home and its usually meltdown mode.
No. There might be direct consequences such as confiscating something that's being abused before it's destroyed completely or expecting help with cleaning up a mess that's been made but DS1 never has been able to link anything like a punishment to the behaviour it's resulted from.
I'm an autistic adult. After a meltdown I always feel really ashamed and guilty. I don't need punishing, the way I feel is punishment enough. Besides, a punishment makes me think 'but that's so unfair! I didn't mean to do it! I hate you!' What I would like is for someone to help me find a way to make amends (in the post-meltdown recovery stage I can't think of it myself), reassuring that I'm still fundamentally a good person, and also for a postmortem to be carried out to find out why the meltdown happened and if there's anything I could try next time.
So for me at least, first, I need time to recover from the meltdown (for me, time alone or with ipad or with music). Then reassuring and hugs. Then we can talk about making amends- in the iPhone case it could be giving up a treat or doing jobs to earn money towards the repair. Or giving up my phone and getting a cheapy. Not necessarily you making the decision for me, but talking it through and suggesting ways so it's not a unilaterally applied punishment. Then maybe much later that day or even the next day, talk about the meltdown, why it happened, prevention techniques and ways to deal with the meltdown once it starts.
Like I said, that's just what I would like but it might help you to think of ways to help your son.
Oh, and punishment would only increase my anxiety, sometimes after a meltdown I would hide away for longer than was strictly necessary because I was scared to come out in case I was punished. Or during the meltdown I would run away (fight or flight response) and that could put me in danger as I would be unaware of my surroundings.
If he slacks off at work and doesn't complete something he's going to be supervised more closely or even lose his job. What's not going to happen is him being prevented from watching his favourite TV program or going out with his friends after work.
You do him more of a favour by a) letting him know that other people are affected by his actions and helping him to think about how and why b) teaching him that it's more satisfying to at least show willing to put things right c) even if he can't think in term of his effect on others, help him to think about what he can best do to not have people cross with him. (this is where we're usually at with DS1)