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Do you punish your child???

(29 Posts)
shazzarooney99 Thu 02-Jul-15 22:57:40

Do you? what do you think is appropriate? this evening after another meltdown,with hitting and smashing his brothers iphone i have said no football and he will be losing his spends till hes paid for the iphone, does this sound to harsh?

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 07:22:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 07:28:34

I guess thats true, so what do you do?

Sirzy Fri 03-Jul-15 07:40:22

The problem is was he actually in control of what he was doing? Generally in a meltdown they won't have any control of what they are doing so to punish for the seems wrong really.

Better to try to find ways to help them cope and reduce the chances of it reaching that point - often easier said than done of course!

Ineedmorepatience Fri 03-Jul-15 08:40:20

Punishments like the ones you describe would have sent Dd3 into an almighty meltdown/panic attack!!

I sometimes ask her to remove herself to another room or I walk away from her! I understand that he has broken something but as sirzy said I doubt he was in control of what he was doing! sad

Pagwatch Fri 03-Jul-15 08:46:17

Yes and no.
I punish when it is a behaviour he can control.
I don't punish when he has just lost it.

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 08:46:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 09:09:10

Thanks guys, its hard i work with sen children and i know the strategies i use with them, however when it comes to your own children its totally different, and i dont get a break because im generaly out at work all day, then come home and its usually meltdown mode.

chaiselounger Fri 03-Jul-15 18:01:19

Interesting

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 19:37:48

whats interesting chaiselounger?

ouryve Fri 03-Jul-15 19:39:45

No. There might be direct consequences such as confiscating something that's being abused before it's destroyed completely or expecting help with cleaning up a mess that's been made but DS1 never has been able to link anything like a punishment to the behaviour it's resulted from.

chaiselounger Fri 03-Jul-15 19:39:53

Just reading what everyone says about it not working. I know this to be true myself.

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 20:37:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrohnicallyAspie Fri 03-Jul-15 20:40:51

I'm an autistic adult. After a meltdown I always feel really ashamed and guilty. I don't need punishing, the way I feel is punishment enough. Besides, a punishment makes me think 'but that's so unfair! I didn't mean to do it! I hate you!' What I would like is for someone to help me find a way to make amends (in the post-meltdown recovery stage I can't think of it myself), reassuring that I'm still fundamentally a good person, and also for a postmortem to be carried out to find out why the meltdown happened and if there's anything I could try next time.

So for me at least, first, I need time to recover from the meltdown (for me, time alone or with ipad or with music).
Then reassuring and hugs.
Then we can talk about making amends- in the iPhone case it could be giving up a treat or doing jobs to earn money towards the repair. Or giving up my phone and getting a cheapy. Not necessarily you making the decision for me, but talking it through and suggesting ways so it's not a unilaterally applied punishment.
Then maybe much later that day or even the next day, talk about the meltdown, why it happened, prevention techniques and ways to deal with the meltdown once it starts.

Like I said, that's just what I would like but it might help you to think of ways to help your son.

CrohnicallyAspie Fri 03-Jul-15 20:43:32

Oh, and punishment would only increase my anxiety, sometimes after a meltdown I would hide away for longer than was strictly necessary because I was scared to come out in case I was punished. Or during the meltdown I would run away (fight or flight response) and that could put me in danger as I would be unaware of my surroundings.

Tanaqui Fri 03-Jul-15 20:44:28

That makes sense, but would his brother (the phone owner) understand if there was no punishment? For sibling harmony maybe he should pay for it?

CrohnicallyAspie Fri 03-Jul-15 20:44:35

polter wish you were my mum!

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 20:48:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrohnicallyAspie Fri 03-Jul-15 20:49:06

And can I just point out there is a difference between a consequence and a punishments

consequence happens as a direct result- you broke something, you replace it. Nobody's denying that.

Punishment is an arbitrary thing, you hurt me so I'll do something nasty back.

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:49:34

Its nice to see it from that perspective, when my son has a meltdown he will then go on to say i want to kill myself and im wondering if this is just sheer guilt?

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:52:01

I rarely punish only lastnight because it was horrendous, but its made me wonder, what is actually going to happen when hes older if hes not taught consequences for actions? does that make sense?

shazzarooney99 Fri 03-Jul-15 22:53:01

And also id like to point out i say punishment what i mean by that is he will be paying for the iphone, to me thats a punishment.

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 22:53:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose Fri 03-Jul-15 23:01:18

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ouryve Fri 03-Jul-15 23:04:16

If he slacks off at work and doesn't complete something he's going to be supervised more closely or even lose his job. What's not going to happen is him being prevented from watching his favourite TV program or going out with his friends after work.

You do him more of a favour by
a) letting him know that other people are affected by his actions and helping him to think about how and why
b) teaching him that it's more satisfying to at least show willing to put things right
c) even if he can't think in term of his effect on others, help him to think about what he can best do to not have people cross with him. (this is where we're usually at with DS1)

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