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My eldest boy - had thinks he's aspergers

(16 Posts)
2boysnamedR Thu 28-May-15 00:12:07

I have four kids. Eldest is witty and bright, ds2 is dyspraxic SPd lang disorder, complex, ds3 has asd. Baby - who knows!

My eldest has always had some asd traits. I can't say it's never crossed my mind. When he was toddler he hated unplanned changes. He had a few irrational crippling fears. He was walking and talking by one. Before 2 he talked in sentences. So if I said "shall we go to the park?" He'd say " after this program let's have lunch then go".

I guess it's more on my mind since fighting for his brothers statement.

Until two years ago he was doing great at school, he was rarely in trouble. Then he was bullied quite a bit and it's all going badly. He was put into remedial classes after a lifetime of being bright. He has a high iq and I'm always being told he's bright - just no longer by school.

He started getting into trouble now. He's got no friends but everyone knows him at school. He's outgoing and very VERY chatty.

We're not on great terms with the school because of his brothers appeal but last week school suggested he's got aspergers!

Partly I think maybe. Let's face it the genetics is there (I'm more than just shy and I have the right kind of interests ;0)

But he is so chatty. Today we went to a big park and went off and made friends and played with people he's never met before. When he was two we went to Greece. He sat on swing and called out to some teenagers "you! Yes you, come here and push me" and they did! He has the making of a project manager.

But why hasn't he got any friends? I don't know what to think anymore. He told me he's the loneliest kid at school yet comes out chatting to the other boys everyday. But at playtime they don't want to know. Even his mate with ASD has gone right off him.

Booked to see the doctors but clueless what to say. I am paying to see if his brother has asd so no one will take this seriously will they?

He has a dyslexia test and his reading age was just under a third of his life ahead

PolterGoose Thu 28-May-15 07:43:21

I would pursue it, you know enough to trust your gut feel. It can be harder to be taken seriously with an Aspergers suspicion because the presentation can be so subtle so it's worth reading some Tony Attwood to help you highlight what needs highlighting! How old is he?

MythicalKings Thu 28-May-15 07:50:20

I think it would be worth pursuing, ask the school to have him assessed.

DS2 had a close friend with Asperger's in infant school and as they got older the friendship declined. His friend's mum asked me to ask DS2 why and he said it was because his friend was "too bossy" and always wanted to dictate what went on even in our house. Eventually DS2 got fed up with it and didn't want to play with him any more.

I tried to encourage DS2 to be kind but his friend's behaviour didn't change and I couldn't force the friendship on him.

2boysnamedR Thu 28-May-15 09:56:26

He's 11 and in year six. I am told he's old beyond his years and talks to grown up for his more immature friends but it's got to be more than that. He'd have at least a few maturer mates.

School told me he's got issues thinking things are unfair and accepting punishments.

When he has parties his mates all come but he's not been invited in years to anyone's. I suspect one of the mums hides some truth from me as she said years ago he wasn't invited to a go carting party as he was too short. Another mum said it he was tall enough but I don't have the nerve to ask outright.

I emailed school and said they must back up these suspicions or the doctor will dismiss me. My mate has a son with aspergers and she thinks the school was out of order telling us this.

He's one warning short of exclusion now

PolterGoose Thu 28-May-15 10:52:15

How is he getting into trouble?

Is he starting secondary in September?

2boysnamedR Thu 28-May-15 11:03:07

Yes secondary in September.

He is getting into trouble by being bullied ( excluded from the group) so if he plays football another kid will say "out of goal your rubbish" ds says no then there is either some pushing or swearing.

When he gets sent to the head he sees it as unfair as his mates are being mean, he is sticking up for himself.

He told me he's got anger issues due to his younger brother.

Life is harder for him tbh - he's got two asd type siblings! I'm busy fighting the school and system. He's bright so he knows this which doesn't help. It's a whole mix of stuff.

His mate with asd - the mum came up to me years ago and said " x doesn't like your ds anymore, he pulls him about" I was taken aback put she was right.

PolterGoose Thu 28-May-15 11:08:21

So your ds is being goaded, taunted and bullied, then reacts, then he gets in trouble, the instigators get away with it, and, from the sound of things, no one is doing anything to address the bullying or help your ds with his social difficulties and responses? shock

Your poor boy sad I so hope secondary is better for him (it's been amazing for my ds) flowers

2boysnamedR Thu 28-May-15 11:29:28

That's about it polter.

The home link worker said to me he's got issues with rules. I told him he's being pushed and prodded. When he tells teachers they don't intervene. He is told off but explained why. I said he's been brought up to question things, that if I took everything on face value his brother wouldn't have a statement. That's who jimmy savil abused so many " good children who kept their mouth shut and didn't question it"

So as you can imagine I'm not "on board with the school"

I did ask if he was a girl and the boys was touching and force ing should he shut his mouth. They got angry with me.

But I think I've got aspergers and I am really far too old to want to change. Free thinking isn't illegal.

It's very much he's done this, he did that and no suggestions of help. I was told y the home link worker to praise all he does right but I had to point out that I have never heard one positive about him in the last two years

bjkmummy Thu 28-May-15 12:49:04

he sounds very much like my dd 2boys - school would say shes is happy and chatty and popular yet spends most of her playtime alone and the children don't want to play with her. whilst you are at your appointment re the younger boy it really could be worth mentioning the elder boy to her and see what reaction you get

senvet Thu 28-May-15 19:49:56

last week school suggested he's got aspergers!

I would definitely pursue as soon as possible.

If he has difficulties with social communication, then schoolshould be doing something whether there is a diagnosis or not.

See if they can get a SALT in and maybe see if there is a social skills group he can join.

As he is so bright he has a very good chance of learning some social communication rules through the group, and via and books etc you can get for him. Sounds like turn taking in conversation might be an idea.

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut Thu 28-May-15 21:49:06

You are right to say to the school that they need to back you up with the doctor.

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut Thu 28-May-15 21:50:00

What I mean is, saying he has Aspergers is not a get out clause for them! It is a reason for them to do more for him. A reason for them to approach him differently.

2boysnamedR Thu 28-May-15 23:44:06

I'm still struggling to see how they came up with that conclusion.

His younger brother screams asd. Tip toe walking, flapping, clothes chewing, memory and speech issues etc.

So how do they see asd in my eldest but not the youngest?

Yes it can't be drop a bombshell and wave bye to secondary. To be fair I don't think even they would do that. His younger brother is stuck there for the foreseeable future

youarekiddingme Fri 29-May-15 09:28:44

Call me cynical 2boys but your DS has half a term left and they suddenly announce they think he has aspergers? I'd say they've suspected for a long time (you say 2 years of decline). They also know you are a shit hot mum and would have had them fulfil their duty to support DS - so have played the denial game.

The bullying and rules thing is exactly the issues my DS has. (Also year 6). The difference adults understanding the inability to accept anything other than fairness makes is unrecordable.

I would ask the school to put their concerns in writing for you to take to the GP. I think I'd be tempted to say it's the least they can do now they've decided too late to actually have any input themselves so secondary school can support him.

2boysnamedR Fri 29-May-15 09:59:06

You might have a point. I was asked to do the one page profile on him before Christmas and I thought that was pretty bizarre.

I have dyslexia ( not dyspraxia - I got muddled up with my sons dx - that part of my problem. Brain and hand don't talk well).

I asked if ds has dyslexia for years but was told definatly not, far to clever. So why the one page profile?

Secondary is supposed to be great with asd but how if suspicions are not passed on?

Can I just say here. I'm not in denial as that's a luxury I lost many many years ago - but this is so crap. He's my rock. I want him to be fine. Ok he's less socially enept than I was at his age and I did ok - but why? This sucks. That's all. Asd is a pita not least as we as a family live in hospitals.

Urgh!

bigmouthstrikesagain Fri 29-May-15 11:47:10

Some similarities with my y6 ds op. He is suspected aspergers and school are using the techniques that are recommended for ASD to help him despite not having an official diagnosis. Like your ds he is bright, chatty and a bit bossy and does not deal with perceived injustice at all well. But he is not getting into trouble fortunately as he has found his own coping mechanisms at school so far. He retreats to the library when things get too chaotic at lunchtime for e.g.

As long as his school recognises the issues and treat him accordingly then we should be ok. The main problem for ds is disorganisation at the moment and he does not get invited to others houses but that does not particularly bother him as he has his fill of socialising at school.

So if the school suspect something similar what are they doing to address the obstacles your ds may face and how are they managing the transition to secondary school? It may be more helpful for you to ask for a meeting with the Senco at the secondary. Ask what measures they will put in place. My younger dd has an ASD diagnosis but as she has no learning difficulties she will not be getting an official EHCP but her next school is going to have a fat file of recommendations for her from her lower school and paed, ASD consultant etc. So I am happy that things will be relatively smooth for her as she moves through the system. It is post 18 that worries me more.

Good luck op - get some support.

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