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Have any parents of children with SN ever had time off work sick because it is all too much?

(35 Posts)
WellTidy Tue 05-May-15 16:18:44

DS2 is 3yo with a severe speech delay. He is also on the path to an assessment for autism/social communication disorder, and I am sure that he has autism.

He is completely non verbal, very frustrated at times, can be aggressive, is hard to keep safe and is hard work. It is very, very difficult to penetrate his little world, he won't take direction, and he eats very little.

I also have a 7yo DS who is NT but quite chatty and demanding in his own, very different, way.

I work 3 long days a week. I also have a 2 hour daily commute. DH works long hours 5 days a week. My parents live 5 hours away. ILs are close by, but not hands on type practical.

I am exhausted. Holidays are great, and things are easier when I have DH around to share experiences and physical care and responsibility with. But I am tired to my bones knackered, very emotional, teary and finding it all very overwhelming.

Is this part of the course, or do I need either medication or space or what? I have no idea. I just know that it is all a bit much at the moment.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 05-May-15 16:19:49

Cam you apply for an assessment for respite?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 05-May-15 16:22:50

Also yes I would see GP As maybe you do indeed have depression. It all sounds very stressful.

WellTidy Tue 05-May-15 16:23:59

Fanjo I can't leave him with a stranger. He would be beside himself. His understanding is poor - he wouldn't understand that I was coming back. It would be devastating for me and for him.

I leave him with our nanny so that I can work. She does overtime if I need to work late or if I go out, or DH looks after him. He will be left with my parents or the ILs, but only for short periods.

Ineedmorepatience Tue 05-May-15 16:24:06

I feel for you, my Dd3 who has Asd is older but we have struggled with school stuff and separation anxiety for years meaning we rarely get a break.

I do a physical job but am reducing my hours from September I currently work 17.5 but am reducing to 10.

I am always tired and lately have been very low.

I dont really have any advice for you but you will never be alone on these boards.

Be kind to yourself and try to get a break if you can flowers

WellTidy Tue 05-May-15 16:28:58

flowers to you too Ineed. You've clearly been struggling too, but for far longer than me.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually Tue 05-May-15 16:48:03

If you feel you need a break, and we have all been there, your GP would probably be happy to sign you off with somethung like "exhaustion". If you had a couple fo weeks for but still used the nanny ie take the time for yourself would this help as a short term solution? Or do you think you need something longer term?

My employers were always very understanding, helpful and flexible but I had a period where it all just got on top of me and it sounds very much the same as you are saying. Looking back it was the stress and anxiety of DS starting school. I had a couple of panic attacks and was knackered, you know where you start crying at the thought of having to make tea or walk upstairs? I went to my GP who took one look at me and said "you're exhausted, you need to look after yourself as well as everyone else." She signed me off for two weeks and it really did help.

So it wuld probably be worth seeing your GP and also thinking if you need longer term solutions...it's hard I know flowers

TAke care of yourself.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually Tue 05-May-15 16:50:30

oh, and when I went to the GP, i literally sat down and just started crying. She said this was very common smile , so don't feel bad if you do that!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 05-May-15 17:00:16

I felt like that about respite at first but when we started ( DD was 4) she gradually got to know her carer and now she is 8 she is like a friend or a big sister. DD actually literally pushes us out of door when carer arrives.

bitbap18 Wed 06-May-15 01:21:07

I've had various periods of signed off sickness from work over the years. Some purely down to me not coping with my own crap, some due to work crap. I've also been on antidepressants for 5 or more years now.

You do sound like you'd benefit from a chat with your gp and see what they can offer. Meds is one road, counselling/CBT is another. Depends really whether there are deeper causes to how you feel.

Is there any possibility of a change in your hours at work, or something along those lines?

Ultimately don't feel like you can't ask for help/support.

WellTidy Wed 06-May-15 08:50:02

Thanks for the support.

Work are good to me, actually. I work 3 days a week, and I'm not given more than 3 days' worth of work to do in that time. I'm not expected to work on my days off, although I do try and do a little bit some evenings to keep on top of my planning. Its a stressful office job, but I've been with the same employer for 15 years and have built up some goodwill.

Maybe its all a bit much as we have two weddings this month which involve lots of travelling, work is busy, DS2 is starting pre-school etc. Maybe I will feel more on an even keel when we have more breathing space. We have a holiday booekd for the end of May and I know that will be great.

I am very reluctant to have anti-depressants. I'm not comfortable with that at all. And I don't know when I would fit in any therapy. I do struggle to udnerstand why PIL don't seem to want to offer practical help to us when they have seemingly loads of time on their hands, and live so close, but they have been very generous towards us lately and given us a cheque, which we are very grateful for. I would just swap it for some time and some help, if I could. But, as I say, that was very generous.

I seem to cry at everything. I cry at memories. I look at the Dc and cry. I cry mostly on my own. I find it hard to look at photos and remember times when DS2 was smaller and we had no idea of what was to come. Everything gets a bit much.

2boysnamedR Wed 06-May-15 09:27:55

I am in a similar position. Ds is 3, starts preschool in sept, mda for asd next week. I have a baby and on maternity leave. I have two older kids, one who I just won a statement for. I'm asking for a career break until ds starts school.

I can't do everything right now. Work has to stop until ds is settled safely in school

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually Wed 06-May-15 11:41:21

Do you feel that maybe starting pre school is triggering this particular "down" feeling?

I didn't see it at the time as I was so caught up in the practicalities of it that I didn't realise how worried and stressed I really was. It's a really stressful time I find, I just couldn't give the headspace to anything else. It felt like an "end of an era" as well as a huge change and I worried about the future.

I understand about the crying. It's bad about the lack of help too, money can't relieve stress as much as another pair of hands!

Do you think it's worth a chat with your GP? Is your DH supportive, does he know how you feel?

WellTidy Wed 06-May-15 14:02:14

Pre school is stressful, yes, as DS2 hasn't been able to be left there as yet. I stay with him for what he does of the session (he only stays for 2 of the 3 hour session). He isn't eleugile for supoprt in pre school until September, and wouldn't do well witout support, so I am staying with him. It is difficult to get him in there (he wants to play in the car park or run down the driveway), but I don't think it is starting pre-school that is the problem for me. I've been teary and tired and everything for months.

I'm sure I will feel better when we have less on socially, and we've had a holiday at the end of the month.

DH is supportive in that he listens and sympathises. But he works long hours. He is hands on when he is at home though.

As I'm typing this, I'm remembering that PIL did have the DC for a few hours one weekend in Spring so that DH and I could go out to lunch. MIL does look after DS1 so that I can take DS2 to any appointments, but I am missing the hands on, practical help that my parents so freely offer, even though they live so far away. Like picking DS1 up from school and giving him tea, possibly cooking dinner for us and bringing it round to re-heat, maybe taking them out. But i feel like I am being unkind to think that, and definitely could not say it. And it has always been like this, its not as if they have recently changed. I just have to accept it.

Maybe I just needed to vent. I don't know. Thank you for the opprtunity.

Ineedmorepatience Wed 06-May-15 14:35:01

Why isnt he elligible for support until September well?

Who has told you that and what reason did they give?

WellTidy Wed 06-May-15 14:41:05

Ineed, I have asked and asked. He turned 3 a week into the summer term. I have been told that he is not eligible for any supoprt in pre school until the term after he turns 3. So for him that is September.

Portage has told me that, as has the Pre-School Specialist Support & Disability Service in my borough. The pre school has queried it with the local authority too, and that is the answer. They will giving him a support in pre school worker from September which will give him one to one. I don't know whether that would be for the whole session, or for every session, or what.

He will start at a pre school for children wth special needs from September too. I hope that he can attend this mainstream pre school alongside, but we will have to wait and see.

Ineedmorepatience Wed 06-May-15 15:34:52

I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life!!

What happened to early intervention?

I am an early years senco and thought my borough were a nightmare! But recently I have had 3 under 3's in my setting with upto 10 hrs one to one funding! And we say that is discriminatory because they are entitled to attend for 15 hours using their 2 yr old funding !

Why dont you ask the specific question on this board about early years one to one funding and see what ideas people come up with! I am staggered!! shock

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually Wed 06-May-15 15:48:30

Gosh, mine are older now but that doesn't sound right. I'm sure someone with more up to date advice will be along in a bit.

I can only offer gentle hugs and virtual tissues!

Please see your GP though. This might also help to get you some more supoort in place. (Maybe!)

WellTidy Wed 06-May-15 16:06:23

I have no energy to fight this anymore. Honestly. I appreciate what you're saying, but I have spent ages trying to get him more support in pre school. And those are the rules in my borough sad. Pre school are disappointed, but it was the head of outreach who gave this information after visiting DS in the setting, so its not like I could reach someone more senior to make a case for more support.

PolterGoose Wed 06-May-15 16:11:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellTidy Wed 06-May-15 16:16:43

Thanks very much. The cake was nice. The wine was better smile

Four shorter days might be better, but our nanny is only able to work 3 days (she works elsewhere for the otehr two days) so I would have to find someone else and then have to go through the settling him etc. So 3 days a week at work it is.

DH cannot reduce his hours at all.

We already have a weekly cleaner and ironing lady.

I rely on pre-prepared food a lot already. I'm not a great cook!

I am much luckier than lots of people in the same position as me.

Ineedmorepatience Wed 06-May-15 16:52:18

No I totally understand why you cant take on another battle at the moment!

Be kind to yourself and take care flowers

WellTidy Thu 07-May-15 08:58:15

Thank you. I had a decent night's sleep so I am feeling a little bit better today. That said, it is only 9 am, and there is a lot of the day left to get through smile

Banananutella Thu 07-May-15 09:50:36

I felt like this a few years ago when DS problems were just emerging, he hardly slept and I was exhausted. I had a chat to my work and they were really not very understanding at all so I ended up quitting. In the short term it worked as I had more energy for DS but in the long term was not far thinking enough as now it has got easier with DS with increased support from getting a diagnosis, I miss my old job.
In hindsight I wish I had got more people around that DS was used to. So even if your nanny cannot do more days could you find someone else that can in a sort of "mother's help" type way - maybe ask at the preschool if they know anyone looking for extra hours.
A massive turning point for me was doing a mindfulness course, I did an online one to be able to fit it in, could you try something like that?

ChampagneAndCrisps Sat 09-May-15 16:54:33

Sorry you're struggling OP. I second trying to be kind to yourself, and getting some time to yourself. Can you even get an evening out with your husband on a regular basis?

For my own self interest, as I've been struggling too, what was the online mindfulness course called?

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