Dd is breaking my heart ........

[frazzledbutcalm]

Dd is crying in bed because of school. I can't go through this again. She stopped crying quite some months ago and I can't do it again. It's not fair on dd to feel this way. It's affecting me horrendously, it's got to be 1000 times worse for her
How do I make school better? I don't want her to like it, I would love her just to be able to get through her day and feel ok. Not happy but not sad/upset/stressed either. How do I do it?

[Smartiepants79]

Do you know what causes the distress?
Do you know what happened or changed to make her stop crying the last time?

[Ineedmorepatience]

No advice sorry frazzled we are at the end of our rope with school. Hope someone has some wise words for you

[frazzledbutcalm]

Thanks everyone.
Dd is 11, nearly 12. In year 7, dx asd, hypermobility, SPD. Has always struggled with school, never liked it. She's cried over school almost all her life. She started secondary in September, big school, very strict, regimented. Suits her well in that respect. Massively academic, but then dd is massively academic also. They have exams this week and next in every subject. This is the cause although dd can't see it. I'd love to home school but feel I can't as she's just so bright and clever. School are being good, but can do lots more, early days in dx etc.
She's asleep now. I've emailed her senco. I just want dd to be able to get through her days without anxiety/panic/stress.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I think the crying stopped previously because she feels more secure in this school because it's so structured.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I can probably ride out the exam period bb ... but dd does not like school in general. She's said for over a year now that she could be home schooled. The senco has put measures in place but like you say, this doesn't filter down to the teachers. Dd is 14th academically in a year group of 175 pupils. So that's great, but she can't cope with the school environment. Getting through her school days reasonably well means much more to me than where she is in the year group. Why do our dc have to suffer so much I hope your dd settles bb. It would be lovely if our dc could.
Ineed ... you're going to home school .. how do you know what to teach?

[streakybacon]

frazzled In your shoes I would consider HE. I've been doing it with ds for six years and he's such a changed person - calm, happy, relaxed (a bit too relaxed at times ). You can build your education plan around what your child needs, not what the school think she should be doing. You can remove subjects that cause unreasonable stress and focus on her interests. Most importantly, if she's having a bad day you can stop and come back to it tomorrow. Stressed people don't learn, or function, at their best and there's no point piling more stress on top. That doesn't work for anybody.

[Ineedmorepatience]

I am going to start off not teaching anything formally frazzled I dont want to turn home into school. We are planning to do some learning outside of the house to reintroduce the idea that learning can be fun!

Dd3 is very bright too but totally demotivated and has some big gaps in her learning, when we do get on to more formal stuff I am hoping to fill those first!

There is tonnes of stuff on the web and in paper form to support learning at home.

Maybe you are not quite there yet but we feel that for Dd3's sake we need to get her out of school.

She has only done 2 days this week anyway!

[streakybacon]

bbkl When ds was first out of school he was only 9, but it didn't take long before he was calm and relaxed enough for us to start teaching him independence. By 12 he was able to get the bus on his own and by 13 he was using public transport to make his way to activities and workshops, or sometimes on foot.

Now, at 16, I see comparatively little of him. He has his social life and goes out to groups and events with his friends. I'm still needed for pick-ups if it's late but other than that he manages by himself. He's really only at home when there is academic work to be done.

What I'm trying to say is that HE is so child-centred that it enables you to focus on them as individuals, and developing them where it matters most to them. Most people who HE children with additional needs are surprised to see how much progress can be made when they are removed from the stressful school setting - the possibilities are endless. My son would never have been able to manage a fraction of what he does now, if he'd stayed in school, because he was way too stressed by the end of the day and at weekends for me to teach him any of these skills. The starting point, I feel, is to reduce stress as much as possible, and take it from there.

[streakybacon]

Another thing to think about is that a lot of children, once they're out of school and settled into the idea of HE, become independent and self-directed learners because they follow their own interests, and are more motivated to do their own 'work' than they were with homework set by school. So you find they spend a lot of time doing their own thing and not needing much attention from parents. A lot of us end up 'facilitating' rather than 'teaching'.

[frazzledbutcalm]

It all sounds so easy streaky I'm just not sure I'd know what to teach dd.
Polter .. I'm just not sure. I think it's bigger than that but I just don't know. I'd like to think she'll be ok if they correct measures are put in place.
Update - I've had another meeting with senco who has arranged for dd to sit her exams in a separate room with other sn children, and have extra time too. She's applied to the LA for extra funding for dd to put extra things in place. She's arranging a lift pass to avoid crowded stairs and ensuring she's let out of all lessons 1 minute early to avoid crowded corridors. She's also put in a referral to the hub for counselling/support for dd regarding anxiety, emotions and expressing how she feels. So dd came in after her first day of exams sitting in the 'small room' ... she wasn't too keen as the teachers were reading out the questions to some children and she found this distracting. She was given extra time for the exam but she feels this is cheating! I've explained to her about her conditions and why she's entitled to the extra time because of them but no, extra time is cheating
So she sat the second day of exams in the main hall. This time she heard clicking of pens, pens tapping on desks, shuffling of papers, feet knocking against desks - this all distracted her too. So now she doesn't know which room is best to sit the exams. Ho hum just another dilemma to contend with.
Senco said I could keep dd off all this week to take pressure off her for exam week.. and she would just sit each exam in the normal lessons when she returns to school. Dd said that's pointless as she'd still have to sit the stupid exams and then she'd just miss her usual lesson while she was sitting the exam so would have to catch up. Wise words from dd I thought.

[frazzledbutcalm]

Oh my goodness polter .. I've never thought of anything like that! I'm sure they'd allow them, especially in the 'small room' .. not sure what dd reaction would be but it's certainly worth looking into with her, thank you! It would solve the actual exam problem, and hopefully something us and school are doing will help dd all round. If not I'll have to seriously consider HE. I'm on another thread getting ideas about HE and costs. I'm not sure I could HE, I'm hoping we can sort things for dd.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I'm off to see my brother this afternoon ...
String me up for being so stupid ... he's a teacher at a specialist school for children with learning difficulties/autism etc ... I never thought to talk to him sooner about dd!

[Ineedmorepatience]

Good luck frazzled

[streakybacon]

Good luck!

[frazzledbutcalm]

Had a good chat with my brother. He says his school is very good, best in our area BUT he doesn't feel it would be right for dd. We think dd struggles are more to do with the social side, not school itself as such. He can't understand why dd hasn't got an EHCP yet. He thinks the measures dd school are putting in place for her and trying to achieve for her are above and beyond what other schools would do without an EHCP, so that's good. He feels working on her social skills/interaction etc could be the key. So I feel it's back to the drawing board a bit. I'm still not sure how best to help dd. I'm going to speak to senco again, speak to dd care co-ordinator and get ideas there.

[Icimoi]

Has she finished exams? I really think the school should be separating out the children who need questions read to them from the other children with SEN.

[frazzledbutcalm]

Hi ici ... yes she's finished her exams now. Dd chose to sit in the main hall (I think because of the rigid structure more than anything. I'm not sure if I'm mixing everyone up
She's finished the exams and has stopped crying. BUT she doesn't like going to school in general. Exams tipped her over the edge for a while, but we've still got the general school problem.

[frazzledbutcalm]

I've had a recent meeting with the senco. She told me in confidence that she is leaving and won't be here for the new school year in September. She felt she had to tell me as she knew I was only keeping dd there because of her. We think dd now may be having panic attacks as a result of school. Senco recommends we look for a different school as this one is great, but doesn't seem to be suiting dd. I've rang LA who have said dd won't get into a special school, or a mainstream with autism unit attached without a statement. Dd doesn't have a statement yet as we're only currently trying for tier 3 of top up funding help. If tier 3 help doesn't work, then we apply for an EHCP.

I don't know where to go from here. Dd can go to a middle school here where a couple of her previous school friends attend so at least she'll know someone. The school is a lot smaller than her current school. I think this would be ok but I don't know if I should be looking at a school with a proper autism unit.

Any ideas/advice?

[Ineedmorepatience]

Have posted on your other thread frazzled really sorry you and your Dd are going through this

[McFarts]

Have you been and looked at the school with the ASD unit? i ask as my daughter is in an ASD unit (also Y7), whilst access is mainly for the children with statements/EHCPs, our school have other children who access it, with or without a DX. I think its would be worth at least going to have a look round and a chat with the SENCO.