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How do you all cope with the constant judging and comments?

(16 Posts)
Trenzalore Fri 24-Apr-15 17:18:20

just today.

walking into the bank with Dc as we had to go into town.

woman comes out as DCs barging in, DC says 'shuttup, fucker, idiot'.and pushes her a bit.

I apologise and just as im beginning my explanation,

woman says 'how rude, talking to someone like that' and giving me a 'what a bad parent you are and what a dragged up brat' look.

I say 'excuse me, DCs got aspergers and tourettes, whats your excuse?''
woman then muttered 'sorry'.

I then retorted 'why dont you thinbk before you judge? you can see DCs not ''normal'' looking or walking etc. Go and educate yourself. you should know the difference between a person with medical problems and otherwise. and BTW I live with this 24/7, you get 2 seconds of it.''.

this was shouted in front of everyone in the bank by me, Im sick and tired of the comments and judging. a couple of people applauded me to which i was grateful for.

what do i do?

not ever take DC out and about? wave a huge banner procl;aming her disabilities?

would the woman have said that if DC was in a wheelchair?

doesnt help that im on crutches myself and physically drained from the energy used to get around, so i was tired and well pissed off.

I know nothing will change DCs condition and weve had this judging before and will do so in the future.

how does one cope?

StarlightMcKenzee Fri 24-Apr-15 17:57:44

I sometimes say something if I am moved to but usually I don't even hear.

I've become judgy myself you see and think 'poor ignorant cow' if I even register the comment.

At times though I might laugh. Not because I think it is funny to have a child with difficulties, but because I think it is funny to be that naïve and intolerant with such limited life experience.

DS is entitled to take up the same amount of space as anyone else. He is entitled to go to the same places and do the same things. Where I can, I limit the effect this might have on people negatively, and as much as I can, I teach ds the skills to avoid affecting people negatively (after all it is in his own interest) but I do start with his right and go from there.

BUT sometimes I am very VERY tired and just can't. And even THEN ds is entitled to be there. What I tend to think then is people want me to do more then they should vote for a Government that makes it possible, and give to charities that make it possible and educate themselves so they can help.

Branleuse Fri 24-Apr-15 18:05:40

Mate, I dont think she deserved a mouthful from you after she had already been sworn at by your dc for no obvious reason to her.
2 of my children have autism, and the other isnt entirely neurotypical and is very very rude sometimes, so ive been judged and felt humilated more times than I care to remember. Its heartbreaking and its embarrassing, but if my child verbally or physically abused a stranger I would still apologise and possibly explain.

Trenzalore Fri 24-Apr-15 18:33:18

Bran My post says I was starting to apologise and explain.

And today was the straw that broke the camels back.

yes poeppl can be pig ignorant I get that, but im sick of having to make the excuses all the time as DC cant explain for herself, Im bloody exhausted all the timje and wish we could just crawl into a hole.

Im sick of pussyfooting around people . you cant tell me Im the only one who wishes people would be more discerning, theres enough information out there in this day and age.

BUTsometimes I am very VERY tired and just can't. And even THEN ds is entitled to be there. What I tend to think then is people want me to do more then they should vote for a Government that makes it possible, and give to charities that make it possible and educate themselves so they can help

^^ this.

senvet Fri 24-Apr-15 19:05:20

Tren I applaud you. i would not have had the guts, but would certainly applauded.

If the woman apologised that is a bonus, as a lot of posters don't get that courtesy when they speak out.

It is bonkers that I get offered loads of help because I am a wheelchair and parents on these boards get the opposite from the public.

My ASD/C relative carries a stick now and gets much more civilised treatment as a result. She started usuing the stick because she needed it, but it has turned out to be very seful to get Joe-public to stop and think.

Trenzalore Sun 26-Apr-15 16:23:15

thanks Senvet.

stopgap Mon 27-Apr-15 02:54:44

It's so incredibly hard. DS is ASD and young--almost four--and yesterday was one of the worst days we've ever had. It was an enormous family celebration (150 people+), with lots of my husband's first and second cousins whom we rarely see. DS could not handle any of it: the lights, the music, the constant introductions. He ended up screaming, lashing out and melting down. We had about ten good minutes towards the end. I ended up crying and needing ten minutes to regroup, and felt so insanely envious of the kids (must have been 30-40, most aged 2-8) who were dancing away, laughing, with perhaps the odd outburst, which quickly went away. I've never felt so isolated and alone, and torn between wanting to tell them that DS has autism, and saying nothing because I hardly ever see these people.

OP, it must be so hard for you.

ChowNowBrownCow Mon 27-Apr-15 13:13:33

Op I applaud you! You apologised and wanted to explain - nothing wrong in that. You are tired , maybe a slight over reaction, but we all can be like that when stressed and tired. Try to move on from it, not everyone you meet will be like that and maybe you have taught her something.
Stop- I can 100% relate to your experience. Those situations (which we seem to go to quite a bit as have large family) are now dealt with like this;- we take turns in who goes and who stays behind. OR we take goody bag full of stuff for ds I.e , food toys books ipad music and headphones. Or we go altogether for a limited period of time. I DONT expect ds to play or join in with all the othe kids, it's sad to come to terms with, but now my expectations match his needs. I DONT expect him to say hello or smile at people he doesn't know , I just say he's a bit shy. His ASD is on a need to know basis, so sorry to all who wonder why I may not make him take part, make him sit still (has adhd) I'm not explaining it cos it's his private diagnosis. Sometimes I want to scream his dx out for all to hear, but most times now I just adapt and get on with it. He squealed like a pig at the last function we went to, which raised a few eyebrows. We just took him for a rest and a drive around in the car. I don't think anyone realised we were gone for that hour, but it was just enough calm time for him. Hope this helps.

ChowNowBrownCow Mon 27-Apr-15 13:25:06

Ps. Saturday we was at a family wedding which started at 11am. We had to drive 1.5 hrs to. We planned months in advance for him not to come as we knew he wouldn't enjoy it as it was such a long way and a very long day! Instead he stayed with a very good friend and went to the park, made minion cakes, took dog for a walk and had his first sleep over, which he was so excited about. Myself and the rest of my children could enjoy the day and night knowing he was well looked after and knowing he would have hated everything about the wedding, from sitting through the service, sit down meal, speeches , other kids tearing about at the evening reception, flashing lights of the party!!

LoupDeLou79 Wed 29-Apr-15 16:08:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChampagneAndCrisps Thu 30-Apr-15 11:36:34

I've had a similar experience recently. Some people are just ignorant and extraordinarily hurtful.

I do have some stock answers now - like
"You can't tell someone has diabetes just by looking at them. But nor do you question their illness."
"So why don't you believe in my child's condition?"

My son has a good line
' I may be smiling at you: but in my head I've killed you three times'

Nigel1 Thu 30-Apr-15 16:30:28

The reality is that those people have not walked in your footsteps and if they had they would have collapsed under the strain.
I suspect that there are many more to who say what a great job she is doing.
I do.

ForkHandlesFourCandles Thu 30-Apr-15 17:38:35

Agree with most posts here, and the OP.

Its so hard to be tolerant of peoples ignorance when in this day and age there is loads of information out there, but it seems with the current Governments apathy towards the disabled plus the Paralympics a far gone event, people are just in their own worlds and unless they are in the situation themselves just don't care, or don't want to know.

not their problem is it? so why should they take at least 5 mins out of their normal lives to look up a few disabilities? That's the attitude that seems to come across.

Where I live it seems the disabled and their carers are a waste of space and a drain on society.

its shameful.

Trenzalore Thu 30-Apr-15 17:40:45

Thank you for support, we get this attitude often,as do many others Im sure.

YY, shameful.

Trenzalore Thu 30-Apr-15 17:41:39

Thank you for support, we get this attitude often,as do many others Im sure.

YY, shameful.

Mrsbobdylan Sat 02-May-15 00:11:38

My best ever dealing with public humiliation and damnation was when Ds shouted 'you fucking mummy' out randomly in sainsburys. I just looked around for who said it with a shocked look on my face.wink

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