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My non dx asd son is being bullied - remain calm or let rip

(11 Posts)
lala21 Wed 04-Feb-15 13:52:05

I know some calm and wonderful people will know how to react but
I really am seeing red at the moment- this has been on going since rec but is spiralling since Year 1. Just some advice and thank u in advance.

CAMHS has ref my 6y DS for ASD assessment, OT have put him on a waiting list for possible SPD and he is being monitored by EP at school as well as working one afternoon a week with SENCO on self esteem issues.

Our more pressing concern is I know he is being bullied: last term we had incidents which one of his teachers actually said 'that is just plain nasty about the other child when he did something to my DS's reward chart and work.

last week:
1)foot print on his school jumper when he'd fallen and said boy stood on his chest - again DS told me not CT

2)grabbed him and pushed him onto the ground (DS told me, boy admitted)

a scratch that went from his cheekbone to his jaw and neither he or his teachers knew what had happened. had to clean it with tcp it fizzed and had pus in it!!!!!!

Thursday ( FOUND OUT FROM MY DS FRIDAY)

bobble was torn of his scarf and his scarf ripped whilst he was still wearing it round his neck!!!!!!!! ( I went in Monday am)

When I asked about the scarf issue class teacher said she can only discuss what is happening in class!!!! She then passed this onto the head who feels that all the boys are playing roughly but she thinks the fighting between my DS and said "bully" is resolved!!!

I explained that I understand things get broken but how hard does a 6 yr old have to pull on a scarf round a child's neck to break a new bobble and rip the actual stitching which was my absolute concern and that no one was supervising - her words were we can't possibly have 200 adults out in the playground.

Monday
has been kneed in the back, ( TA wrote a report)
Tuesday
pushed up against a wall, ( another parent saw and reported it)

the class teachers want to meet at parent consultation which is not for another 2 weeks!!!!

I have requested a home consultation book as I want non teaching staff to write what is happening.

What else am I not doing except going ballistic - ps am on blood pressure tablets so really want to remain calm about this.

PolterGoose Wed 04-Feb-15 14:25:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lala21 Wed 04-Feb-15 14:46:26

Thank you I know thats why I am wanting to work with and communicate with the school upwards and onwards. Cheers

senvet Wed 04-Feb-15 15:06:24

Calm or Ballistic? BOTH! Kind of.
Calm on the surface, feet paddling below.

I like the suggestion seen often on these boards to keep diaries with every bit of evidence - photo evidence as needed eg of scarf, cut to cheek etc. Don't worry if you haven't done it yet, just start now and keep it going forwards.
Maybe notes of what is reported and who by - so you can see at a glance if it is proven or just reported-without-proof.

Maybe get other parents to help you out - anything that they can report can to be added in.

Now, how to approach the school, swan like. This is just my idea - you will know if it will be right or not. I think you could do this today but you will know best if it will work better if you wait for more evidence

"Dear X,Y and Z
As you may know, there have been a number of incidents before and after class as well as during class, some reported by other parents, some reported by you and some by ds. I have kept a diary which is attached.

I have appreciated your help tackling one issue of bullying, and it is good to know that you take these things seriously.

However, the incidents are continuing, and, pending the outcome of DS's possible ASD Diagnosis, I think it would help if all incidents were recorded in one place, whether they occur in class, the playground or before school.

Do you have an incident log which playground staff, lunch staff, class teachers and parents can all use to record incidents - both alleged and proven? I think this would help to ensure that everyone has a full, not a partial, picture and to sort out a structure to help the children including ds who are involved in poor behaviour.

I think this would assist those involved with diagnosing ds and suggesting provision going forwards.

Many thanks again for your support"

So if they have an incident log, you are, in effect asking
a) to see it
b) to be able to add your reported incidents to it

And you will know bets who X Y and Z are, or who should be copied
If CAMHS are involved you could copy them
If the EP who is monitoring ds should know then copy that EP.
SEN governors are a possibility.
Also, Can you get the rota of playground monitors eg from reception?
If so you could copy each of them

It is for you to judge which of these folk might help your case and which might act like a red rag to a bull and make the school much more cagey and unhelpful.

I hope this helps
Good Luck

PolterGoose Wed 04-Feb-15 15:20:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lala21 Wed 04-Feb-15 18:58:36

Thank you all for taking time out - I really like the structure of the letter senvet and I can see what you mean PolterGoose too.

Where the other parents have commented its when its been at coffee or playgroup and I have had to confide in them because of one almighty horrific meltdown they witnessed and so they mentioned it in passing quietly to myself. When I have then done guided reading outside class I see him and hear him making noises and I remind him to sit quietly and the right way but I can't be there all the time.

And yes you are right they are small children it is not the children but the way in which playtime is causing problems for many and parents are beginning to complain so I dont feel its me again- I will def use your lettet senvet thank you

senvet Wed 04-Feb-15 19:10:52

lala take good note of polter's point, though. She is one wise goose
My ds is 20 ad dd 16 so it is a long time since I had to deal with a playground situation, and certainly I have never come across a parental campaign to get rid of a dc, but I can see how it could easily arise.

I agree that a child who bullies is likely to have unmet needs, as much as the child who is picked on. SO I hope the letter works but agree that softening the tone on the term 'bully' would make it better.

Good Luck

lala21 Thu 05-Feb-15 09:57:30

I decided to omit bully out of the letter and other parents and I sent them an email and cc, teachers, head, senco, ep with my diary of this week.

Senco got back to me asap and said she is arranging a meeting to set up a log for our son with a named person responsible for it in the playground etc. Said she could see from the diary of the week just how awful home life is and also what is happening at school is not working, Feel a lot better and I have said that rather than telling them he has had a bad night at the door in front of people I will email and let them know

I also suggested that maybe a circle of friends or an activity station in the playground might be an idea - I am vice chair on the pta and we are fundraising for the outdoor learning so am galvanising for all the children and my DS oh i'm tired

Thank you all so much

PolterGoose Thu 05-Feb-15 10:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

senvet Thu 05-Feb-15 13:47:19

well done. and sleep better tonight I hope

lala21 Fri 06-Feb-15 14:11:44

Thank you all -had a better and more positive response from his teachers when they read my diary and the logs are really helping because I can see when he also makes mistakes and we can talk about it

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