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ASD/ADHD Preteen Girls and friendships :(

(12 Posts)
FiveHoursSleep Wed 28-Jan-15 08:49:59

DD2 is 11 1/2 and in Y7 . She was diagnosed with ASD last December, but it's generally thought she will end up with dual diagnosis for ADD/ADHD.
She is a kind , friendly girl who really wants to be social but is finding it so hard to make friends at secondary school.
At primary school she did have some, but no special friend, and they were accepting of her but kept their distance.
In Secondary school she seems to be friendly with a lot of people, but has never been invited out after school, or to go somewhere after school or to a party or sleepover.
TBH I can see why- she's socially inappropriate, too loud, is really silly and immature and doesn't like the kinds of things that most girls that age are getting into ie clothes and makeup. She's obviously not going to blend in with the crowd. I love that she's an individual but she's so sad about having no friends and not getting invited places. She's also a July baby which doesn't help.
I have talked to her about what makes a good friend at this age, but of course she only takes in what she wants to hear.
The school doesn't run any social groups , but they have been very good with her so far in helping her get organised in classes, remembering homework etc.
Has anyone got any ideas about what I can do to help her fit in social. If your DD had similar problems, what helped?
Or is it just a matter of time and maturity?

MerdeAlor Wed 28-Jan-15 09:04:22

No suggestions, but you are not alone.

My DS 11/yr 7 has AS with hyperactivity. He too is very young for his age, even though he is very very tall. Socially inappropriate but very sensitive, silly and inflexible which comes across as argumentative.
He is accepted by the other kids but doesn't get invited anywhere. He has a good friend but I can see this boy pulling away as the friendship must be difficult.
We have never found anything to help - sorry. We just support our DS and encourage him to revel in his individuality while helping him to understand social situations.

Have you looked at the Autism Society website? There may be some help there.

Ineedmorepatience Wed 28-Jan-15 09:12:41

I have read somewhere and Dd3's paediatrician agrees that children with AS/ASD are delayed socially and emotionally by at least a third of their chronological age! That means that at 12 they are emotionally around 8 as my Dd3 is.

Friendships especially with girls can be very tricky, they are very sofisticated by 12 and their conversations move and change very rapidly, their are also a million social rules to keep up with!

Does your Dd have an interest that could help her mix with like minded people? Music saved my Dd1 through secondary and its looking like Dd3 will follow a similar path!

Also are the school doing any social stuff? Social groups for children who find it difficult. They dont always work because some children cant generalise from the group to the classroom/social areas.

Good luck flowers

FiveHoursSleep Wed 28-Jan-15 09:23:14

Yes, I've heard the social delay stuff too and agree this seems the case with my DD.
She likes music, minecraft, fanfic ( Dr Who atm) and anime and manga. Unfortunately she didn't get on with the trombone teacher the school provided and found the orchestra music a bit challenging so hasn't joined the band at school. She is in the choir and the glee club though, and does a youth orchestra in the weekends.

senvet Wed 28-Jan-15 09:29:43

Over the years, I have seen ASD kids make friends more easily with people who have the same special interest whatever their age. Mt relative is making friends with a group of adults from 19-90 who are all into the same special interests.

The other thing that works well for some ASD kids is younger friends, so maybe helping out at rainbows, or a club that does things she likes, but has younger kids as they are also more tolerant. Or maybe your dc is someone who would do well with an older buddy who is happy to take her under their wing.

In year 7 it is all about being as near identical to the clan as possible (or so it said on a documentary I saw) so especially hard for people who like to be individual.

In our society we are desperately bad at friendships across the age groups. Even as adults we tend to stick with mums groups, then groups aimed at post-child interests and then the old folks clubs...
We are tending to miss out on some great interactions. Like the experiment that put a nursery school in a residential care home which was brilliant for everyone.

School kids can be worse: It is weird to have a good friend in a different year group. And yet we know that everyone matures at different rates.

Maybe dc's school could team her up with an older buddy and maybe find her some roles and responsibilities that help to keep her self esteem up.

Good Luck

FiveHoursSleep Wed 28-Jan-15 10:22:38

She already has an older buddy at school, and she's happy to talk to her. You are right about younger kids, she did love that aspect at primary school and I can't help but think she will enjoy being in Y8 next year for that reason.

PolterGoose Wed 28-Jan-15 12:48:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bbkl Wed 28-Jan-15 13:24:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveHoursSleep Wed 28-Jan-15 14:01:15

What activity was it bbkl? It might suit DD in July!
Mine is at a single sex school with a tendency towards the academic and she seems to doing okay; not at the top but not at the bottom either. The trouble is it's a couple of towns away, so it's not so easy to invite people over.
My elder DD just hops on the train to meet her friends but DD2 can just about cope with the school commute. The idea of her using public transport for leisure would blow her mind!

mamato3luvleys Wed 28-Jan-15 16:47:35

Didnt want to just read and run as my dd whos 9 is currently being assessed as having asd shes only in year 4 but i can already see that her big circle of friends (who shes went thru school with since nursery) are dwindling away as she is very individual also only a few of the boys who shes grew up with are into pokemon which is her favourite thing atm. She usually just runs around the yard on her own sad her brother whos 11 and in year 6 is extremely popular with both girls and boys and gets invited everywhere theres always sumone coming knocking at the door for him and its hardlys ever for my dd which is really upsetting to her and also is to me and my dp. I am dreading her going to secondary school as shes also loud and doesnt care how she comes across.
Also i wanted to ask yous if your dc are accident prone due to the asd as in the last month my dd has broken her nose swinging round a bar she had to get an operstion yo get this re-set! And only yesterday at school she was running about at breaktime and slipped over now she has snapped one of her front teeth and its hanging right down shes been to the dentist and is returning there on tuesday it looks so painfull am now so scared to let her outa my sight!
Sorry for hijacking your thread OP x

bbkl Wed 28-Jan-15 16:54:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveHoursSleep Wed 28-Jan-15 18:27:31

Craft is a good idea.
Mamato3, my DD has dyspraxia as well so she is not well co ordinated and has low muscle tone. She does really poorly in PE, but the school are very good at keeping her motivated.

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