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Struggling with the whole "Happy New Year" thing!

(38 Posts)
Ineedmorepatience Thu 01-Jan-15 10:58:20

It is 8 days until our tribunal sad

I want to look forward to the future but all I can see is more years of sadness and grief once our relationship with school has been ruined by the tribunal process!!

I have tried as much as possible to keep things on an even keel with school but I am going to be forced to say what I need to say at tribunal and the member of staff from school who has been called as a witness will take it personally!!

If we win, we stand a chance I guess of repairing any damage done but if we lose and Dd3 falls apart again? What then.

I cant sleep, christmas has been horrid and I just want to throw the towel in and go and live in a caravan sad

Thanks god for Dp and a few people around us who get it (not family) because I think I would have lost it over the last few weeks.

Nobody needs to answer this, I just needed to say it!

PolterGoose Thu 01-Jan-15 12:07:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz Thu 01-Jan-15 12:17:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedmorepatience Thu 01-Jan-15 12:56:45

Thanks both! To just give the knife another turn my sis has just told me I am rude and selfish!! I told her I would add them to my list of dysfunctional personality traits hmm


Pixellator Thu 01-Jan-15 13:21:22

Just thanks, sorry it is hard going.

OneInEight Thu 01-Jan-15 16:28:03

flowers Hang in there the end is in sight & keeping fingers crossed for you.

sweetteamum Thu 01-Jan-15 16:31:32

Sending positive thoughts your way. Sorry no useful advice as I've not been there (strangely).

These flowers cake are for you

Ineedmorepatience Thu 01-Jan-15 18:39:27

Thanks for all the flowers and the cake. I was feeling really sorry for myself earlier!

I have shaken myself and enjoyed a nice meal with some Un-rellies and am feeling a bit chirpier now smile

Nice to know I can vent on here and you will all get it smile

uggerthebugger Thu 01-Jan-15 18:43:53

God ineed - I have to reply, because this is exactly how I was 8 days before tribunal. Clammy-palmed, unable to focus on anything else but the hearing, zero tolerance for clowns who couldn't walk a meter in my shoes, let alone a mile. Only sleeping with the aid of codeine, dreaming about levels, full-on thousand yard stare.

Don't worry about the relationship with school for now. Whatever happens, it's something that you can repair at a later date. Might take a while, but you can do it.

At our hearing, the panel didn't ask many questions of the school rep, accepting most of their evidence at face value. So we ripped into her - eviscerated it, if truth be told. Questioned her expertise, outcomes, motives, if we'd have carried on for much longer we'd have questioned her parentage too.

Tactically, it was a bad thing to do, although by that point in the hearing we had little to lose. And in the end, we lost.

But I'm talking about it because we managed to get a good working relationship going again. Once the decision notice came out, I wrote her a letter, apologising for going in so hard at the hearing, saying that we just wanted the best outcome for DS, and could we still work together from here onwards?

Turned out we could. She hated having to go to the hearing, hated her LA and the position she'd been put it, and we had a pretty cordial relationship thereafter- right up to the point where the LA pulled the plug on the provision, but that's another kettle of fish....


Ineedmorepatience Thu 01-Jan-15 19:28:39

Thanks ugger we really are never alone on here are we smile

bjkmummy Thu 01-Jan-15 23:35:34

I know the feeling well - im a few weeks behind you and now its hit 1st January that reality that im at tribunal this month has coming rushing home loud and clear - 3rd year , 3rd tribunal. my LA always play a nasty card 3 weeks before the hearing which makes it next week so im feeling stressed and anxious about what is coming. im in a slightly better position as school were at the last tribunal and weve managed to stay on good terms and if it all blows up this time well my dd leaves there in july - the other witness is from a secondary school which my dd will never step foot in.

you are nearly there - you can do this , I will and everyone else on here will be there for you and will do everything we can to support you. you've done it before you can do it again!

MeirAyaAlibi Fri 02-Jan-15 06:09:45

Another one here whose relationship with school was ok post-Tribunal.

If anything, it was improved. We took the tactic of thanking them for coming to Tribunal, and praising all their (very obviously appallingly paltry) efforts.

We said we didn't blame them for the problems, lacking the support of the LA, how could an ordinary teacher be expected to understand DS's complex needs and do appropriate and very specialised additional provision.

We lost, but that was the LA's dirty tricks. School weren't completely blameless, but we're looking past that (and their nonsense seems to be mostly stupidity, whereas the LA know what they are doing).

But since then, school have been much better with us. Having to sit in a room all day listening to our witnesses has helped them realise we aren't making it all up,. regardless of what the LA tell them. And that has helped a lot.

Ineedmorepatience Fri 02-Jan-15 09:31:47

Thanks bjk and I hope your LA dont drop too much rubbish on you. Mine sent a really dodgy report to me on the last day of term hmm

Meir it is good to know you kept the relationship going with school. Dd3 wants to try and stay there so its important to us.

2boysnamedR Sat 03-Jan-15 00:07:13

You can do this. You really can. If I can do it then anyone can. I was going bonkers at this point. Questioning if ds was a late blooming genius, maybe they was all right.

But they wasn't right.

I hardly slept and was having nightmares.

Look at your child. Do they need you to do this? If you think yes ( which you do, no one goes down this path unless they are at rock bottom). This is about your child. Not schools feelings, not what the senco thinks of you, not what your sister thinks.

It's not ruined with the school. Be truthful and polite then you can hold your head up afterwards. It's hard post tribunal. I told the senco it was never about the school yer right, if they wasn't so ignorant it was only ever about doing the best thing I could do at this point in time for my child.

We have your back. Keep coming here to vent off, fall apart and scream.

We can give you wine and cake then dust you off.

I kept thinking "what's my alternative?" There wasn't a plan b. Keep going till your done. Then there's nothing to regret.

Ineedmorepatience Sat 03-Jan-15 09:39:46

Thanks 2boys.

I have been having a recurring nightmare that I habe forgotten to put something important in the bundle!

Of course when I get up and check, it is there bit isnt it mad how your brain can play tricks on you!

I know I have to do this, Dd3 has made no progress for 2 yrs and she has gone back to saying she doesnt want to be in school!

Her school are trying but I just think the with the NIL they are never going to get it right for her.

I am guessing you havent heard from your tribunal yet 2boys ?

2boysnamedR Sat 03-Jan-15 14:04:50

I can't face checking my emails. I'm still in happy bubble mode. School starts Tuesday so I will check then.

My nightmare was that I sent a email to dh saying they was all a bunch of morons and accidentally cc'd the la. Ironically - they did this to me ( in different words).

In the words of frozen

The past is in the past. I don't care, what school will say. Let storm rage on, the senco never listened anyway grin

bjkmummy Sat 03-Jan-15 14:13:48

there was a recent case over a NIL appeal (parents won and LA went to the upper tier where the LA lost again!!)

the judgement is good as it shows what you need to show in a NIL appeal and there are 2 main points:-

1. whether the provision identified as necessary for the child in the assessment was in fact available within the resources normally available in a mainstream school

2. if so, second question was whether the school could be reasonably be expected to make such provision from its own resources.

my case is that the whole assessment was flawed and the LA chose not to identify the needs in the first place and now those needs have been identified by indie reports there is no way they can be provided within the resources normally available in a mainstream school.

my dd needs 5 hours a week specialist teaching - my LA have no specialist teaching service and the current school LA charge £93 per hour!!! so even an hour a week will cost over £3k, then theres the SALT, OT etc etc etc plus she needs support in all lessons to help her with the basics such as reading and writing.

that's how im going to save my relationship with the school by saying that I of course understand they cannot provide all of this and that's why she needs the statement so they can access the right funding etc etc and play it like im doing them a favour........ our school just don't have this magic 6k that everyone talks about to help her so are trying but not making any difference to her at all.

also highlight the lack of academic progress as well especially as your NIL now been in place for a while now - my indie EP got the school to admit which parts they were and weren't doing

2boysnamedR Sat 03-Jan-15 14:49:05

My nil only mentioned slt and it was completely ignored anyway.

La said in its final response that ds does not need slt as his private slt once a week hasn't stopped him from dropping further behind. Great logic! Maybe the slt is hindering him - or he just needs writing off then?

bjkmummy Sat 03-Jan-15 14:55:28

honestly the reasons the LA use!!! last time for the refusal to assess it was cos no one else had noticed any issues and therefore nothing wrong with her, this time they now say they've issued a comprehensive and detailed NIL as she is a very complex child!!!!! and of course a NIL is perfectly acceptable and her needs can be met by the usual resources for such a complex child.......

oh and the best part - that her having a dx of ASD changes absolutely nothing as far as they are concerned - if only we as her parents could just be so dismissive of such a life changing dx for her

2boysnamedR Sat 03-Jan-15 15:07:11

I hear that too. Dx makes no difference. Well it does to me when he's unwittingly trying to kill himself a few times a month. Walking out into roads without thinking. No slt is ever going to help with that, just well he gets no slt then isn't it ( adopting la logic)

Ineedmorepatience Sat 03-Jan-15 15:08:33

Yes bjk I have made the points that there are 21 provisions in the NIL plus Dd3 needs specialist teaching for writing, which she has never had and her extremely poor writing levels are not even mentioned in the NIL and the fact that Dd3 herself is saying she needs more help at unstructured times and with accessing help.
I have said that the school cannot provide all of this from their own resources!

School are currently providing for less than half of the 21 provisions in the NIL!

Ineedmorepatience Sat 03-Jan-15 15:13:47

Dd3's SALT has also stopped seeing her because she was paid by the primary school to support her. She has been put in a group at school but I am not convinced that they have got a handle on how complex she is.

In my area Asd dx does matter because it seems that once you have one, you fall through the net and no one other than school has responsibility for you.

I was lucky to get Dd3 in with a paed in the next borough after she had gone 2 years without being seen.

OT will probably discharge in March too.

bjkmummy Sat 03-Jan-15 15:47:32

mine has 18 points in part 2 which are all unspecified and unquantified.

part 4/5 ( guess would be part 5/6 on a statement) has all the OT things on has 15 points on it of which she is getting none at all at the moment as NHS OT says school can do it re handwriting programme and the NHS do nothing for sensory stuff but did recommend that the recommendations in our indie report were done.

theres nothing in the NIL at all about SALT even though there was an indie salt report before the last tribunal - we now have had since the NIL issued the ASD dx reports fro DK and the salt report from MS - none of these are in the NIL so its now out of date completely anyway as the NIL makes no mention of her ASD dx so nothing is in place regarding that hence why the LA now say they are simply going to ignore it. theres nothing in the NIL to show she needs specialist teaching either - its just a horrible horrible mess that the LA are recognising so little when she needs so much but I know you all feel like this as well - its madness that we have all had to go through this complete and utter farce - a NIL is so unfair and wrong

Ineedmorepatience Sat 03-Jan-15 16:32:12

Actually now you mention it, nothing is specified or quantified in Dd3's either hmm I will mention that too!
It is horribly waffly.

Bearing in mind they no longer exist under the new system, my guess is that the people who wrote the new sencop realised what a load of bog roll they are!!

bjkmummy Sat 03-Jan-15 18:08:25

they are pretty pointless aren't they! and how do you in my situation if things change amend a NIL? you cant can you - guess the only way would be to ask for another assessment and begin the whole horrible process again so thank goodness its gone . I guess now they would do an assessment and its a straight yes or no and no middle ground - easy I guess to appeal a straight no if you have the evidence - a NIL is just a cop out for any LA and they are pointless.

mine has things like a handwriting programme - and that's it - nothing to say who will do it, how many times a week etc etc. most of it has been copied and pasted from the LA EP report but they have also missed out huge sections of his recommendations as well. his whole report is unspecified and unquantified as well.

at least we will be the last people to go through this complete farce

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