What can I tell other children when they tell me how naughty my son is?

[Ilikepie]

DS1 is nearly 5, just started Reception in September. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything yet, and he is very borderline. He has had delays and his interactions and social skills are like a much younger child, he has no idea of personal space and is very impulsive. he makes odd noises and repeats sounds almost for fun. He might whack or hug, but you can never tell what he's going to do.

He is adorable and loving and intelligent and empathetic to a certain extent, but I feel has has Autistic traits/behaviours. Anyway, the school are amazing with him and are giving him superb support (he has a TA with him all day most days) and helping to learn how to socialise, but despite this several little girls in his class have told me that he is naughty. What should I tell them? I don't want to single him out as different as he is trying so hard to fit in. And I don't want to condone naughty behaviour, and I'm sure his teachers are strict, whilst making allowances for him; I still want him to behave himself, as I think he is capable of it.

It breaks my heart that he now has the reputation as The Naughty Boy. So even when he is doing nothing wrong in my opinion, the little girls tell tales on him, and come running to tell me what he is doing int he expectation of watching him getting told off....'X is running too fast' 'X is playing in the bushes, he's not allowed in the bushes' on out short walk to school. Me, not very mature responding with "who says he's not allowed?" So now he's not even allowed to do normal little child actions without these sanctimonious prissy little girls judging him and me! And probably telling their parents how awful he is too......

I know it's not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things (and i know his problems are mild compared to others') but it gets me down to see my lovely, not-quite-up-to-their-standard boy being labelled as the naughty one.

By the way, the boys in his class don't really play with him as I don't think they quite 'get' him, and he is desperate for them to be his friends, but they also don't tend to relish telling tales on him or anticipate him getting told off like the girls do....

I just feel very sad for him. The school is great, and very big on SEN, and they are helping him as much as they can in terms of trying to make friends, and he seems happy enough, it's just me that gets sad!

Sorry, epic post for such a small matter really, again I know lots of you on this board have bigger problems.

[WrongWayWound]

snippy....

'what does your teacher tell you to do if someone breaks the rules' (tell a teacher, i.e. they are breaking a rule)

'does your mummy let you talk to adults you don't know without asking her first?'

'what did ds do well today?' ... 'Oh, it seemed to me like you were always watching him, you must have missed it'

'so how do you help people in class when they are having difficult times?'

'how does your teacher tell you you can be kind to others?'

or...hold your head high and explain to their mums in front of them that you know ds is finding school difficult, could they please speak to their children about how they interact with him.

or.. ask the teacher for a circle time to try and re-direct their interests, e.g. if you see ds in the bushes, what could you do to help him not be told off like a good friend would' (e.g. invite him to play, ignore him and let him find out it's boring in there, whisper to an adult he might want a friend to play with)

[Ilikepie]

I'm not sure I'd like to pull them up on it to be honest. I mean I know I'm being a bit unreasonable; they are only 4 and 5 and are just saying what they see, however frustrating and saddening it is for me. I'd just like to be able to explain that they have to make some allowances for him without sending the message that I think it's fine for him to misbehave! I'm not sure there is a good way to explain to them without singling him out as 'Different'. Although he is different! I don't know what i want. Prob best to say nothing and let people think what they want and try not to let it bother me. I guess it was a rant on my behalf more than anything else!

[Ilikepie]

Snippy? Me? yes probably out of order. Just feeling a bit defensive....

[Ilikepie]

Some good ideas thank you Wrong

i have let a few of the other parents know that he has some issues, maybe I need to make it widespread and known.

[Ilikepie]

Thank you Loup I like your PassiveAgressive style!

[Ilikepie]

I think maybe Wrong thought I was being snippy about the little girls...but maybe i go the wrong end of the stick. Thank you for your advice. It's good to talk/rant!

[Ilikepie]

I'm not getting at you though loup, I think those responses are ideal actually. Good advice. PA was maybe the wrong term. And thank you again for taking the time to respond; now get back to work!

[cailindana]

Children that age are total tell-tales, it's just normal behaviour for them. I remember writing "NO TELLING TALES" in big letters across the board when I was teaching 5/6 year olds - I was so bloody exasperated with the constant "Jonny did this," "Patty did that," blah blah blah. They are just as likely to tell on each other as your little boy. I wouldn't respond much at all, just say "Oh is that right," or just ignore them.

[Ilikepie]

Thanks all for the advice, I'm taking it all on board.

[youarewinning]

I really empathise as my DS was labelled the 'naughty boy' in year ar by the teacher and the children picked up on this and told tales on him over everything.

I personally cannot stand tale telling. I agree with the agreeing with them and making it boring for them.

So "X is in the bushes"
"I can see"
Then wander off and deal with it if you need to get him out.

Even a simple "ok" is acceptable.

If you think it's genuine concern then you could always ask "is he hurt?" And if they say no reply with "oh that's good". Eventually they'll realise there's a time to telltales and a time to leave things to adults.

It won't help your DS at all to feel like the naughty child.

[youarewinning]

Loupes ideas and advice is fantastic IMO. I'm so stealing "MY you REALLy like talking about X don't you!"

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

My standby is to smile and say 'thanks for letting me know' and then walk on. Don't get into a conversation, don't reward the tale telling. Just shut it down.

[AlmaMartyr]

I get this with my DS too and I always find it hard. Depending on the situation (and my stress levels), I ignore it or just say something like "oh yes, so he is". Sometimes I've had children tell me generally what DS is like and I just say "yes, he can be like that". It is a horrid feeling though.

I've also occasionally had children tell me what their parents say at home about DS (I volunteer at the school so talk to them a lot). That's a heartbreaker, especially friends' children. He's not even that much a of a problem, only has very mild SEN.

[Ilikepie]

Thank you all. I've made a point of chatting a bit more openly with the other parents yesterday and today and making it known to them that DS has a few issues; hopefully they will tell their children to mind their own business! And I'm going to be airy, breezy and not very interested when the children tell me things about DS. It was very useful to get all your thoughts.

[WrongWayWound]

oops, I meant 'snippy' as in 'here are some snippy things to say (to make you feel better)'. Wasn't very clear.

[youarewinning]

That's how I read read it wrong and probably how I would have dealt with it too!

[Coffeeinapapercup]

Kids want to understand so there point out and ask questions. To me this is a chance to aim for better acceptance and understanding generally.

I would say "He has special needs/autism/etc. He takes longer to learn things than you do and needs us to be a bit more patient with him" I would then add "im already on my way to sort him out" if needed. Already you've recruited the little girl to your cause

At least this way the girl goes away with the understanding that DS is heading in the right direction but it may take some time and you're sorting him out. A pretty good message for her to be passing back to mum, friends and other parents

[iloveithere]

When I get this I am as honest as I can be with 5 year olds.

I say 'DS sometimes finds it difficult to remember how to behave at school. But he is trying very hard. He needs to help to remember the rules, Can you show him where he can play/ how to do it properly/how to be gentle?
It usually works as it gives the other children a 'job' and helps them to interact with him.

[Ilikepie]

Ok, that's a nice way to respond too ilove and coffee and I think I'll end up doing a combination of all these ideas depending on the day and the circumstances.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

I throw it back to the teachers

One of my dd's friends is always telling me ds1 has hit her. But obviously I'm not there to see that. So I've told her she has to make sure she tells a teacher if ds1 is breaking the rules. There's two reasons for this 1. School need to be aware of what's happening there so they can manage it. 2. If it is just tattling for the sake of it, the teachers are really good at dealing with it and I'm not worrying about upsetting the girl.