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My 3 Year old has Autism; What happens next?

(12 Posts)
WinterKisses Fri 07-Nov-14 10:24:04

My 3 year old DS for referred to speech and language therapy, he has been going 6 weeks and his speech therapist spoke to me about his behaviours.

He shows many behaviours which I dictate autism and has done from a young age, she said that she has spoken to his preschool and that I need to speak to them tomorrow about my DS.

I spoke to them today and they confirmed our concern and said that they are going to bring in a special needs advisor to assess him and then take it from there.

I'm not sure what to do, I've had a cry and I feel bad about that. I love DS more than anything and of course I will love him no matter what.

I can't help but feel like it's my fault, I don't everything right in my pregnancy but I had PND when he was born so maybe I didn't give him the attention that he needed? He fell off of a high table when he was 2 and banged his head on the floor, again it was my fault so I'm thinking that I've caused it through that?

I'm a mix of emotions, I feel happy that he is getting the help that he needs, upset because I was shocked even though I mentally prepared myself for a diagnosis and guilty in case it was something that I did when he was younger that has caused it.

My family have disgusting views about children with special needs (I'm not writing them here as that truly are disgusting) and let's just say that they won't be happy about this diagnosis. I know that my DS is the most important person to me, I just thought that I would add that on so you get the idea of the support I will receive from my family.

I haven't got anyone to speak to about it, his Dad isn't interested since he left me, my friends don't have children so they wouldn't understand and my family are as I stated above.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, reassurance? Probably that it's going to be okay.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

WinterKisses Fri 07-Nov-14 10:25:14

I'm sorry about errors; I'm on my phone and auto-correct keeps changing words.

coppertop Fri 07-Nov-14 10:36:24

There will be absolutely nothing that you have done or not done that would have caused this.

A speech therapist can't give a diagnosis of autism, so it's still not certain that your ds actually has it. It's good though that the preschool are being helpful and arranging for the SN adviser to come in. They may also be able to help advise you about how to go about getting a full assessment.

Sorry to hear that your family are likely to be unsupportive. One thing I've found is that with SN you get to meet all kinds of people, many of whom will know exactly what you are going through. Posting on here may be a great help. It's also worth looking into what groups are available in your local area. Some will be for specific SNs (like the National Autistic Society) and others will be for a whole variety.

Be kind to yourself. You've had a big shock. flowers

bedelia Fri 07-Nov-14 10:53:21

WinterKisses, I read your message and immediately want to give you a big hug! flowers

I have very little experience with ASD (only recently became aware that my 3 and 18 year old boys have several symptoms), though my big lad has needed special educational needs throughout his life which were never fully diagnosed. But I do feel your concern and anxiety at having little support, particularly from family members. I'm lucky in that my youngest's dad understands and supports me, though I've decided not to tell family members until things are properly in motion so I can say "the doctors/nursery staff/specialists are looking into this because they share my concerns" instead of having my worries dismissed.

Please don't blame yourself - this is not your fault! I've been there too, and trying to find cause for problems only makes things worse. It's better to focus on what you can do now. Read as much as you can, make an appointment with your GP and Health Visitor, ask for help and build your own support network of people who will help.

Your little boy is still the loveable, wonderful child as he was before you became aware of this possible diagnosis. There are many wonderful supportive parents here on Mumsnet who will be able to offer lots of useful and insightful advice. It's scary right now, but I'm sure that in time you'll be able to develop a supportive network of people. You and your little one will be just fine smile

Itscoldouthere Fri 07-Nov-14 11:33:07

Hi Winterkisses, you are at the start of a long process, take a deep breath, relax, be kind to yourself and your family, try not to worry (hard I know).

Your lovely DS is the same little boy he has always been and will always be your precious child, try not to let fear of the unknown overshadow your every day experiences and enjoy his early days.

On a more practical point, do take up the offer of any help that comes your way, when I went through this I went to a support group offered by my CAMBS service and I did a course run by the NAS, all really useful for me, for my understanding of the condition and for my own mental health.

My DC was 6 when we finally got an ASD DX and in the early days it was hard especially at school, the other parents don't always understand and can judge you and your child and you have to learn how to deal with it in a positive way.

I now have the most delightful 14 year old DS, so many of my initial fears did not happen, I have become a much more relaxed and hopefully non judgemental person and I think my son has had a very happy life so far, it's been hard at times but overall positive.

Itscoldouthere Fri 07-Nov-14 11:45:29

Sorry I didn't read the bit about your family's attitudes.

Well, this will be a test for them, hopefully with education and real life experience ( your DC) they will change or at least moderate their thinking.

You are going to have the role as advocate for your child, if you can equip yourself with knowledge and understanding about his condition, you will have the power to try and make sure he is treated in the right way, if you can pass on this information to your family and make them really understand, you can take them on that journey with you and hopefully they will emerge as more balanced understanding less judgemental people.

At the end of the day your son may teach them to think differently, which would be brilliant.

It's going to be hard for you, you are going to need support, but there are lots of others in the same place as you. Find out if your local council has an autism specialist/team as there are usually groups that meet on a regular basis.

CornChips Fri 07-Nov-14 13:31:03

I am here to hold your hand. Today the school suggested that we also start the process to get DS (aged 4) assessed. I feel floored- although in my heart it is not a huge surprise. Maybe we can share our experiences as we go through the process. I have not cried yet, but feel as my insides are crying.


WinterKisses Fri 07-Nov-14 13:39:33

Thank you for all of the kind words you have given me.

He is being assessed this month and they want to talk to me as well.

I will definitely look into meeting with other Mums and Dads who are going through the same thing, I think that will really help me develop an understanding for my little boy as I'm not sure I know much about Autism to be able to give an explanation of it and I'm not sure that I want to google it as I know that it can frighten you sometimes.

I'll go to the children's centre and ask them if they have any classes or meet ups with other parents of children with SN.

CornChips; it is scary isn't it, it would be great to hear about your experiences. I wasn't surprised at all when it was suggested, I think that it took the pre-school telling me that they are going to set up a plan for my DS that it became 'real' to me. If that makes any sense at all.

He is the most kindhearted, perfect little boy and I hope to learn more about Autism and how I can help him.

CornChips Fri 07-Nov-14 13:58:02

My little boy is also kind. His teacher said he was such a 'gentle little poppet'. I was wandering around Morrisons in a fog and then thought 'Regardless, I would not change a bit of him'. I guess I am fearful for what it might mean for him- his ability to make friends, be happy etc. I am also resisting to google, but did a brief wander around

I am scared yes. I need to talk to DH tonight and am a bit worried about how he will react..... sometimes he says i indulge DS's behaviour (tantrums) when I feel what i am doing is managing it, so i am worried he may blame me in some way. I am also thinking of everything I 'did' when pg..... I had teeny tiny amounts of alcohol. I ate blue cheese. I am an 'older' mother. You can't help but think you might be responsible in some way. I am grateful to the other posters who have replied to your post also. smile (Sorry, not to take over your thread).

kleinzeit Fri 07-Nov-14 14:12:25

Hi winterkisses flowers

Autism is innate, it isn’t caused by anything you did when you were pregnant or when he was a toddler, so you have nothing to feel guilty about (though we're mums so of course we feel guilty about everything!) You are doing the right thing in getting help for him now, it will all help him to do well as he gets older. But however much you have prepared it’s still a shock and it’s OK to feel upset.

My DS has a kind of autism – Asperger’s Syndrome – he had serious social communication and behaviour difficulties in primary school and he needed a lot of help from a teaching assistant. He’s 16 now and doing very well in school and he is hoping to go university. Also he has just finished his Silver Duke of Edinburgh Award where he had to do lots of different things like voluntary work and helping to organise a weekend camping trip, so I am very proud of him.

Autism is a spectrum so different children can have very different abilities and problems. Your DS is still the lovely caring little boy he always was.

LetMeDriveTheBus Fri 07-Nov-14 18:34:16

Just adding that I am also on the start of this journey with you, OP and cornchips.

I have spoken to my GP this week and we have an appointment next week to begin the referral process. My gorgeous little DD is nearly 3.

I share your worry, fear and sadness.

CornChips Sat 08-Nov-14 11:27:19

thanks LetMe.

I spoke to DH last night, and he was totally flabbergasted. He said he never saw it coming, whereas I confess I did. He has not said much about it, processing it I guess. I had 12 hours longer to assimilate it. We agreed that we will not read too much, or get ourselves worked up, but will just go through the process and see what the outcome is. So, that is good.

Your DS sounds lovely klein. I love the Duke of Edinburgh programmes, they are brilliant. smile

Hope everyone is having a good day.

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