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Not happy with how something has been handled and not sure where to go from here.

(53 Posts)
DishwasherDogs Wed 05-Nov-14 19:11:55

There is a child at school who unexpectedly jumps on other dc, this really bothers ds and if he is unable to tell us what has gone on has massive meltdowns about it.
At school he masks everything so doesn't appear upset by it at all, but Monday night started the second he was in the car and carried on until bedtime, trashing the house, swearing and lashing out at everyone.

Tuesday, this boy runs at ds in the cloakroom (very small, but no teacher there at the time, he was already in the classroom) and pinned him against the wall, ds pushed him off.
On the way out of school, this boy tried to grab ds's privates (as he does), slipped and got trousers instead, but still very distressing to ds.
I should point out that ds is no angel, and is sort of ok with mutual roughish play, full on rough play is a definite no-no, but unexpected things terrify him.
I spoke to the HT who assured me she would deal with it.

Picked ds up today, and he has told me that the boy told him that Mrs X told him that ds has a little bit of autism.

I rang her up to try to get to the bottom of it. Apparently those were not her words, but she did try to explain to this boy that some people don't like to be touched, and drew direct parallels with a boy who is openly and more obviously autistic (I know that's not worded right, sorry), presumably using this as a comparison to explain why he can't jump on ds hmm

In the past, because ds presents as NT at school, I have been told to be very careful not to label him, which we have, so why is the HT using these comparisons to a 9 yr old boy?

I had assumed that this would be dealt with by saying to the boy (who is 9) that under no circumstances is he to jump on anyone, or pin anyone up against the wall, or grab anyone's private areas, instead of making this simply about ds not wanting to be touched (but it's not being touched, it's being jumped on, pinned against a wall or floor - more than just being touched!)

This shouldn't have anything to do with one child possibly having ASD, surely this is about a 9 yr old not being able to control his impulses at all, and dealing with that and adequately supervising him so he doesn't have any opportunity to jump on anyone?

I have a long list of things I feel have been handled badly or insensitively.
We've had a massive long fight to get even small things put into place which has knocked the stuffing out of me over the last few months, I no longer trust my own judgement.

Would you have been happy with the above? Am I being over sensitive about it all?

I'm going to ring around some other local schools and hopefully look round, I'm not sure I can keep going in this school knowing what a battle everything is, but will it be the same everywhere? Is it better the devil you know?
I thought we'd made progress just before half term, and we're starting fresh.

Ds appears to be ok in school, he likes his teachers. He does find the day difficult and explodes pretty much every evening to different levels.

Honestly don't know what to do for the best now. Sorry this is so long. sad

PolterGoose Wed 05-Nov-14 20:14:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DishwasherDogs Wed 05-Nov-14 20:19:46

In all honesty I don't think the boy is goading him, I think he possibly has some SN, has absolutely no impulse control in school whatsoever, and the ht has pointed out that he can't help it.
So why don't they watch him closely, instead of only deal with individual cases? confused

I suppose I'd be going along with some specific situations written down so he would start with things already in place.

Sick of not being listened to and having to fight for the slightest little thing.

2boysnamedR Wed 05-Nov-14 20:45:48

It does feel like the ht got that completely wrong. My nt boy was in a fight ( he was bated - but he lashed out). I liked how the head dealt with that. It should be a basic skill for a ht.

I think sometimes about moving ds, very hard as you never know, the next school could be as bad and you'd be starting again. With my toddler looking for nursary I discribed him at his potential worse and that got rid of 50% of our options.

I would just keep it simple and crisp. Here's the problem, here's a solution.

No child likes being grabbed in the privates. You'd hate for that child to do it to a girl and start a formal complaint. Crutch grabbing kid needs to know it's never ok to do that to anyone ever. Can he the ht reassure you it will not happen to another child.

Remind ht that your son has a right to have his needs handled with sensitivity and respecting confidentially. Can he assure you that he takes private things private? Does not give out information that leads to conclusions?

Don't overthink what you say. Keep it short and don't mull it over.

But watch for his response. Even painting it out on a neon sign - some people will never get it.

DishwasherDogs Wed 05-Nov-14 21:16:32

Thanks, I'll do that.
I'm not very good at keeping it short blush

2boysnamedR Wed 05-Nov-14 22:00:38

I think I'm so guilty of adding emotion and feelings into everything I do with the school. But that takes more time, energy and emotion. Plus the message gets lost!

Don't waste effort in a essay if not ready for another battle. You can't fight everything with all your soul. Let the ht do the work on this one

spaghettisue Thu 06-Nov-14 07:58:51

Hi Dishwasherdogs

I fully understand your puzzlement at how the school handled the behaviour of this boy. It should have been explained to him that jumping on others/pinning against walls etc is unacceptable behaviour in ALL cases. It shouldn't have been alluded to him that it was unacceptable to your son because of special needs. No way.

My advice to you would be to go and have a good look round all the other schools in your area, with a view to potentially but not definitely moving him. You tend to get a vibe from a school. If you are allowed to see the Senco and or head, ie they make time for you, and they are happy to talk about how they would meet your son's needs, then you might feel, yes this is a school that I trust to handle my son and his needs well. If they don't give you much time, then you will probably get the vibe they are not the school for your son.

As others have said, be very open and honest about what his needs are.

At the end of the day, you may decide to keep him where he is, but you will have made that decision by exploring al other options.

I hope I have made sense, this is my first time posting here!

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 08:00:47

Going in this morning.
Going to say something like "I'm not happy with the way this has been handled because it has been made to be about ds's differences rather than the fact that X should not be jumping on anyone or grabbing anyone's bottom, or pinning anyone to the wall"

I know that X does this to others as the teacher told me.

Does this sound ok?

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 08:04:11

Thank you Spag smile

There is a school about 20 minutes away that has a very good reputation for children with SN. I'm going to ring them up today and hopefully go and see them.

There is a school within walking distance, but it keep hearing gossip and rumours about bullying that is not dealt with, which is putting me off even though I haven't looked round.
I don't really trust a teacher's word about how amazing a school is, particularly not when you hear a different story from parents.

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 10:40:35

I'm going to see the other school tomorrow.
I spoke to the ht who was very reassuring, the school works closely with home (which I've heard from a couple of people as well).

So fingers crossed.

Tried to ring the Ht at school, but not available and she will ring back.

PolterGoose Thu 06-Nov-14 10:53:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeirAiaNeoAlibi Thu 06-Nov-14 11:07:19

Pinning a dc with SEN against the wall and then grabbing at their privates isn't typical bad behaviour- It's actually quite abnormal and worrying.

Mrs X told him that ds has a little bit of autism from a senior professional as a supposedly adequate reaction- that's frankly terrifying.

I'd call the NSPCC .for advice

MeirAiaNeoAlibi Thu 06-Nov-14 11:08:10

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 11:42:52

Meir, the HT says she didn't use those words, but drew parallels with another boy who is autistic. I think she possibly did say that ds has a little bit of autism, as it's not a sentence a 9 year old would come up with.
There's a chance it's come indirectly from me chatting to another parent who has possibly gossiped, but I would never say "little bit of autism". I can imagine the Ht using that phrase, but I have no proof of that, so it's not worth mentioning.

I've known the grabbing boy for years, and he has always been the same. He doesn't do things maliciously, more in a Tigger like, bouncy impulsive way, but he's now in yr 5 and school still haven't managed to stop this at all.
I don't believe he should be doing this to anyone, not just ds, but school don't take ds's needs seriously (IMO anyway) because at school he appears to be NT and absolutely fine. I do get that this must be frustrating for them, but I'd hazard a guess that it's 1,000 times more frustrating for us at home when we have to deal with the fallout!

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 13:50:06

HT is not available to talk today hmm
An email has been sent. Feel sick.
No doubt I'll get a reply pointing out how that have got it right and I have the wrong end of the stick.

2boysnamedR Thu 06-Nov-14 17:10:43

Good thing emails, leaving a paper trail and all that.

Ds school are ignoring me as well now :0( it's pretty standard fingers in the ears, when they hear something they don't like

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 17:43:31

She sent a very nice reply.
Feeling very conflicted now.
I'll go tomorrow and take it from there. Hopefully it'll be clearer what I should do.

Ds was ill off school today and has been very quiet, although he's perked up now.
We watched talking dogs on YouTube, he really thought they were talking and asked if we could teach ours to talk. He was gutted when I explained they had voices added.

stillstandingatthebusstop Thu 06-Nov-14 17:52:23

Keep going.

Honk honk!

DishwasherDogs Thu 06-Nov-14 17:56:22


DishwasherDogs Fri 07-Nov-14 15:52:38

Had a look round the school this morning.
It's very small, but has a lovely feeling to it, they are no strangers to ASD, the HT knew about PDA as there was a child (now in yr 7 or 8) who needed PDA strategies to help her, the fact that she has heard of it in the first place is reassuring.
I mentioned it to ds who is asking loads of questions, but worried about leaving a place where he knows everyone, so we're planning on a steady drip feed effect (if it doesn't annoy him) and take it slowly.

PolterGoose Fri 07-Nov-14 16:13:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2boysnamedR Fri 07-Nov-14 23:30:44

Our deputy head told me they had one other dsypraxic child at the school in the past - weird as it's got 500 kids and occurring to the nhs website 2-3 kids in 30 have dyspraxia..... So either they are like gold dust in my neck of the woods .... Or they have overlooked quite a few over the years

Just had a lightbulb moment - I can't spell dyspraxia! But I can spell dyslexia ;0)

2boysnamedR Fri 07-Nov-14 23:32:22

My school would think PDA was a hand held device....

Sounds like the other school are actually interested in sen

DishwasherDogs Sat 08-Nov-14 09:01:40

Ds seems a lot more keen now.
It turns out he didn't want to visit because he thought that meant he would never go back to his school. We've cleared that up and he's decided it would be good to look round and maybe at a different school he'll like his life more.
Fingers crossed!

DishwasherDogs Mon 10-Nov-14 18:05:22

He's going to have a look round tomorrow morning.
Took over an hour to get him into school today.
A couple of things have happened with the ht today that have made it very clear we're doing the right thing.

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