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Marriage and SEN Children

(8 Posts)
sweetteamum Sun 02-Nov-14 19:34:30

We've been married a long time but our children's additional needs are going to end us. I can just see it coming. I love my husband so much and it's definitely not an easy way out at all. Apart from this issue we have a perfect life together. sad

I've asked and keep telling my other half everything I know. I've also sent specific links from YouTube to help him understand their needs more.

He's not taken anything into consideration. Or watched any of the videos. He is just happy to carry on with me taking responsibility for everything.

I'm exhausted and life is just so challenging for us all. What am I supposed to do?

Sorry, this is a really self pitying post but I'm at the end of my tether. sad

zzzzz Sun 02-Nov-14 21:51:33

Perhaps he just sees it differently?
Perhaps he is a fantastic husband, friend, lover but not a fantastic parent?
Perhaps he will get better?
Perhaps he really doesn't get it and never ever will?

Dh leaves almost everything to me. Sometimes it drives me potty. To be honest most of the time I find it a compliment. He trusts me with the most important thing in his life. Ultimately either you love who he is now, or you don't. Loving the person you want him to be is a recipe for misery and is a mistake I have and do make regularly.

Firstnamelastname Sun 02-Nov-14 22:04:11

Not sure if this is any help but could it be that you are at different pages in the "coming to terms" process?

So he is in head in sand mode (aka denial) while you have started to work your way through the other stages (anger depression bargaining and acceptance)

I know this is something that happened with me and realising this made me feel more understanding of the situation

sweetteamum Mon 03-Nov-14 07:23:39

Thank you both.

You have both made very good points. I really do love him and as I said this is the only problem we have. I just keep feeling that our DS isn't going to change but the way we handle him needs to. Well the way hubby reacts needs to.

I think he finds it very hard to come to terms with both our children having additional needs. I make every allowance for it.

Dh has very little patience and does take everything personally. He regularly says he can't cope with being attacked regular, as when ds is having a meltdown it's dh he goes for.

I guess we are at different stages but then again I'm not exactly happy with the situation we're in, but still have to carry on.

Albaba Mon 03-Nov-14 16:04:54

SWEET. I have just read your post. I don't know what additional needs your child has but I do know the effect a special needs child has on your relationship and your family life.

My dd 3 and one has twins has cp. To say it has made our lives difficult and a challenge is an understatement. I think if you haven't had first hand experience then you really don't have a clue. I have been trying to juggle work, keep a house, look after twins one with special needs and I too am rundown and exhausted. My sn twin has appointments to go to every single week which is draining in itself.

My dd this morning had a complete meltdown because she wanted to go to Granny and Grandad's and I said no we are going to the park which was a complete disaster. I really shouted at her and then felt really bad about it afterwards. I sat in the car in tears. I felt bad because I resented her and how difficult she had made my life. I just felt like this isn't the way things are supposed to be. I get frustrated by how much work we have had to put in with her and will continue to have to do so. I hate that it is my child that walks funny. Simple things like going for a walk or going to the shops are not simple for us.

I think in our relationship I am the one who struggles that my dd has special needs. I have known her diagnosis for quite a while now. I just hoped that she would improve to the stage were it is not noticeable but I think the older she gets it is more noticeable. My dh is very much of the opinion that this is the situation we are in and we just have to accept it and do everything that we can to help our dd. Easy to say but sometimes I know the reality is not always easy.

stillstandingatthebusstop Mon 03-Nov-14 18:07:23

I don't know if this is a helpful idea. But could you go out so that your DH has sole charge of your DC? Then he might appreciate what you do and see that he needs to help? I wonder if that is practical?

2boysnamedR Mon 03-Nov-14 20:28:36

Could he start to take ds to some of his appointments? My dh leaves everything to me as well. I resent it and worry what will happen if I go under a bus. Appointments have helped. Hearing things from a dr is a wake up call for some.

Littlemisssunshine72 Mon 03-Nov-14 21:05:09

I know what you mean.Our life is a merry go round of me trying to educate DP, him agreeing and saying he will 'try harder', then when an incident happens, he reacts wrongly (in my opinion) and then gets defensive when I say something which obviously doesn't help matters. Later on he'll apologise, everything's great until the next time and then it all starts again!
He tends to find it harder with our DD who has subtle SN (PDA traits) rather than DS who has a diagnosis of ASD.
He also finds it harder when he is tired and stressed (I.e. Their bedtime). Don't we all!
The thing is though, he is a loving father who loves his kids more than anything and agrees when I show him articles, tell him things I have read, etc but in the heat of the moment, he can't apply that to real life situations. (I feel like I should do some role plays with him to prepare -don't think that would go down well-lol).
Hey ho, back on the merry go round I go!

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