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How to Fight with ex-husband?

(16 Posts)
Cotta5 Tue 18-Mar-14 23:04:50

Hi, I wonder if anybody can offer any ideas? I am in a dead lock with the ex-husband re choice of secondary provision for my DS (cerebral palsy, quad, non walker, full assistance with any personal care). My son at the moment in a mainstream in year 5, so it's time to think about secondary.

Mainstream did nothing for him in terms of achieving independence, academically he is dropping fast behind his peers. So I would like to get him into special independent school. But before I can even start thinking about taking on LEA re funding the place for my DS, I have to somehow overcome his father resistance who wants him to continue in mainstream secondary. "Special" has some kind of stigma attached for my ex, so he strongly objects to the idea.

Because we both have parental responsibilities I'm afraid the LA will not listen to me, as mainstream is clearly cheaper and they will use difference in our opinions to refuse the funding .

Any ideas please how to get around this situation?

Thank you

ouryve Tue 18-Mar-14 23:17:52

I wonder if you could get any data on outcomes. Maybe via a several FOI requests? It sounds like something you need hard data and specialist opinion on, at any rate.

In MS, he is likely to be highly dependent on teaching assistants to provide access to education. From what you say, he already is, to some extent. Look up the MAST report on the adverse effect of a high reliance on TAs on educational outcomes.

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 08:04:41

I was in exactly this situation last year with dp and mil re sp sch vs mainstream . Are there any professionals whose opinion your ex will listen to ? It was a speech therapist who
Broke the deadlock in our case I truly sympathise it's hell

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 09:57:23

Sorry another thought have any mainstream secondaries said they can meet his needs? I'm thinking it would be useful if they said they couldnt

Cotta5 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:19:56

Ouryve, autumnsmum , thanks for your replies.
I downloaded MAST report, there are some good ideas there.
Problem with ex is that he is not listening to anybody. He spoilt his relationship with just about every PT and OT my son had. Yet they all sitting on the fence, LA's ed psyc just assessed my son and said that schooling can go either way, SS or MS .

I'm wondering if independent assessments could help?

Also Social services are heavily involved in our case. Up until a year ago my ex was a main carer for my son , but he got himself a child protection order on the physical abuse grounds . SocIal Sevrices recommended that my son is placed in my care. But ex still thinks he is in a driving seat, not contributing though a single penny to my son's maintenance and not that ex wants to see him much.

Cotta5 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:24:31

Unfortunately in a present climate ,when Inclusion is a big word , nobody will say that they can not meet the needs.

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:25:08

CottA that's awful with dd2 we were told she was borderline between sp sch and mainstream she's in sp sch now and it's great . There's a cp support thread on here as well maybe they can help as well

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:26:29

Tell me I've I'm being nosey but does he need a hoist or equipment that a mainstream wouldn't have?

Cotta5 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:39:38

No, you're not nosey, autumns mum.. Thanks for support!
Hoist is what I'm afraid of.. My son still can weight bear and I'm working hard with him to keep him this way. I still can manage him, at school though he has 1to1 full time and 2 people for toileting.

And anyway, LEA will stick gladly any equipment , hoist etc in MS for him, still cheaper than provide proper education and independence training in independent SS

autumnsmum Wed 19-Mar-14 12:59:19

Another thought my eldest is at secondary and the corridors are very crowded and busy would that constitute a health and safety risk to your son?

My DS is in year 5 and I've looked at both local ms secondaries recently, something I did notice was that most of the buildings are two storey plus and I didn't notice any lifts anywhere, would that be a factor for your school provision?

ouryve Wed 19-Mar-14 13:15:08

That can be a factor, WhoKnows. And whilst many subjects can be timetabled in a ground floor classroom, it's no good if, for example, the Science suite is on the the top floor of a 1960s building.

Cotta5 Wed 19-Mar-14 14:08:34

Thanks for your replies, gals/guys..

Accessibility in both secondaries that are near us is ok. One school was built only 5year ago, the other one is undergoing a major redevelopment and actually moving into a brand blinking new building in September this year.

I'm thinking along the lines of going to court to apply for specific issue order, when court will make a decision if parents cannot agree on a specific issue. But my big snag is that the court will ask LA's specialists' opinion and they, knowing that I will battle for a very expensive provision , will still continue to be neither here nor there.
Will be independent specialists' reports taken into account in court, I wonder? The costs by the look of it are going to be exorbitant

Nennypops Wed 19-Mar-14 16:35:05

Have you contacted local mainstream schools about whether they can actually accommodate ds' needs? If after you have painted as daunting a picture as possible they were to tell the LA that they can't cope, that would be job done.

MariaNotChristmas Thu 20-Mar-14 19:59:06

Is this any good to you?

I think either parent can appeal to Tribunal anyway. So if the LA go with Ex's view, you can challenge it. And no matter what you both request, they'll probably just name the cheaper school anyway. But mainstream isn't always cheaper. If done properly, it can cost a lot more.

Would your ex be amenable to getting parts 2 & 3 watertight (ie excellent, specific, quantified and therefore presumably quite costly), pending an 'agree-to-disagree-let's-see-what-the-LA-recommend?' part 4 which you could then argue about constructively.

Your ds's paediatrician might be helpful? Or the social worker? Or, as said above, the mainstreams themselves. The special schools will know which professionals parents have used for the inevitable Tribunals to get there.

If your ex is abusing his parental responsibility by trying to force a disabled dc into a really unsuitable school, because of his own issues in accepting the disability, then that's probably a child protection issue in itself.

MariaNotChristmas Thu 20-Mar-14 20:01:00

If primary were to now decide they couldn't cope, what would happen?

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