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3yo DD 'is it ASD'; trying to combat stubborness (and going mad)

(7 Posts)
amymouse Mon 17-Mar-14 14:13:53

Having a bit of a wobbly day. Got a chance to talk to DD's nursery and swapped notes of things over the recent weeks. For better or worse, they seem to match up quite well. I am quite relieved as I have been going round in circles since we saw our paed and had the "is it maybe ASD" chat. DD is 3.6 and is beginning to be more hard work, for want of a better phrase. I've been reading lots but am so confused as to between distinguishing between 'mad 3yo behaviour' and 'possible ASD behaviour'. Our paed advised to assume it is ASD, so am I confusing myself for nothing?!

Nursery are really throwing their weight into trying to help facilitate interaction with peers; DD still absolutely needs an adult to direct this but is apparently getting a little better at "tolerating" children esp physical contact. She is quite inconsistant at home with this; great with adults but not so with children. She rarely gives eye contact with peers and usually only uses learnt phrases to communicate with them, if at all although can also make up her own sentences in other situations.

The big thing is her stubborness. If it is not on her terms, she just will not engage. She used to just ignore demands she wasn't interested in (I never used to think there was a pattern but am beginning a diary as I've began to notice some triggers, esp verbal ones), then hide and now is beginning to really tantrum if challenged. Sometimes she can be jollied out of things, but it takes a lot of work. Nursery said they feel this need for control is holding some of her development back, and I am inclined to agree. For example, I only discovered this week she can spoon feed herself (she has a slightly complicated history including food aversion which has meant she has been tube fed since tiny and also has mild cerebral palsy which does mean her limbs don't always comply); the ease she managed it suggest it is not just a new motor skill out the blue but rather as it was her idea, it was "allowed".

Can anyone spell out some ideas or links for helping minimise or at least manage this controlling aspect? Nursery are really keen to help too which is brilliant. I've read about PDA and whilst she doesn't 100% match the profile, would those strategies help? Is it just worth trying anything and everything?! It is becoming more obvious about her need for routine, so am trying to make sure there are no surprises and going to try a visual timetable. It feels like there is so much to learn to help and I have royally confused myself especially as it is still quite new and trying to work out how things like her CP or just age tie into things if at all. If you have read to this point, thank you and sorry!

PolterGoose Mon 17-Mar-14 14:26:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amymouse Mon 17-Mar-14 14:35:42

Thanks polter. Any waffle is helpful, truly! After a rather challenging weekend I just can't see the wood from the trees.

I've found things with mice or spots "like Mr Tumble" significantly help getting dressed time smile

I think the people implying that if you push hard enough they WILL comply is one of the hardest things. Several people have already started saying "ooooh you don't want to be a soft touch" but I see it as battle picking. I must say I was so glad nursery picked up on it and wanted to speak about it, although it rather makes things feel more "real" it is a relief I'm not seeing things or potentially just arsing up parenting.

Ineedmorepatience Mon 17-Mar-14 15:05:51

Hi amy , I have a Dd with Asd and control is a big issue for us, actually it used to be a big issue but as she has got older we have learned to work with it/round it.

One of the first things I learned was not to ever ask a question that could be answered with "No"!
Saying no is a normal 3 yr old thing and is an imortant part of development but when it starts to take over your life it becomes a problem.

Dd3 is great at following rules, mainly ones she has made up herself but it is not massively difficult to be able to introduce our own rules. When we build new rules and routines into her life, the first week or so can be really hard but once the rule is set in stone it is there.

We try to let her have as much control over small things as we can so that we can hold on to some control over the bigger things.

It sounds like your Dd's nursery are working hard and that is great news.

Keep coming on here for great support smile

amymouse Mon 17-Mar-14 20:49:59

Thanks Ineed, the "no" thing really rings bells. Speech was delayed and for a long time all we ever got was "no no nonononono" to everything, which was funny and cute with a slightly younger child but now is becoming a bit more obvious it is something more. She has always refused to say "yes" until this week, so it is a huge breakthrough especially for reasoning with her. From her tone of voice and expression it sounds like she is copying it from a program (her speech is very monotone and she still uses large amounts of echolalia especially if anxious etc) but nonetheless it is an affirmative!

The rules things make sense too; at the moment whilst it is all still quite new it seems like she often latches onto things and 'makes' them into rules which aren't obvious unless you deviate from them unwittingly if that makes sense. I am hoping that time will separate things more obviously and just want to grab this moment when in a rare moment everyone seems to be agreeing about where we are with DD. We are lucky in that she is already part of a multidisciplinary team but they rarely ever agree!

Ineedmorepatience Mon 17-Mar-14 21:08:31

Unwittingly deviating from rules makes perfect sense to me grin

One of the things we have never managed to work out is how things become a routine/rule when we have only done the thing onceconfused

You are doing a great job, you are very tuned into your Dd, keep going. some things get easier, others get harder.

Good luck smile

MariaNotChristmas Tue 18-Mar-14 00:04:08

how can things become a routine/rule when we've only done them once
This. Sends me round the bend.
Particularly as all the dc generate (mutually incompatible) random rules. Plus DH. Of course, my own are the just the best, obvious way to do stuff grin

Wouldn't mind, but only two household members have any official diagnoses...

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