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My DH can't bond with our 9 year old daughter, is there anything we can try??

(5 Posts)
mummyloveslucy Sat 08-Mar-14 20:10:03

Hi, our 9 year old daughter has severe learning difficulties and all the symptoms of PDA, a form of autism.
My DH has always worshipped her, and she's been very on and off with him. Over the last few years, she's becoming colder ad colder towards him. She only ever wants me to play with her. Probably because I follow her rules better and don't try to suggest other ways/ things to do.
We've tried him taking her out on his own, but she just does imaginary play, where he's not allowed to watch. (She also does this with me.)
My DH now has 3 weeks off work and is becoming very depressed. He works with troubled teens and says they have far more time for him than his own daughter. He's excellent at his job and gets the best out of everyone, but can't with his own daughter. (His own words)
He is naturally very bubbly, can be loud but very loving. He tends to use little treats as a way of winning her favour, as that truly does seem the only way he can! sad I find my daughter very full on, but now have to deal with my Dh now he's home and it's getting really hard.
Is there anything you can suggest?

mummyloveslucy Sat 08-Mar-14 20:23:52


2boysnamedR Sat 08-Mar-14 21:34:38

I don't have exactly this experience but I had this myself with my ds when he was about three. He was non verbal and didn't engage with me. He gave nothing back and I was just his carer. I did live him dearly but we had no relationship as it was so one sided.

For me time helped as he did come out of shell and tbh he is not that child any more ( he is still not your adverage six year old dont get me wrong, but he engages a lot now).

Part of it was excepting it and understanding him. Wanting him to want to communicate and be like all other kids.

It was a horrible time, I hated feeling the way I did. I wish I could say something to help. All I can say was my expectations had to be lowered. Simpler things made me smile. Unfortunately that's our story still. Other mums boast about their kids amazing reading levels. I smile about my son reaching the adverage level book. It's no less worthy of being proud, we're just different from the adverage family

mummyloveslucy Sun 09-Mar-14 21:55:41

Thank you for your reply, sorry I've only just seen it.
She has done this to me in the past too. She's just wanted her daddy when ever he was home. It has been rare, but I remember the feeling of being an outsider, or the hired help in the eyes of my daughter. It was very frustrating and saddening.
The strange thing is, I'm the strict one! My DH will let her get away with far more than I will. I do "the look", the time-outs and sanctions, while he'll just let it go, as he doesn't want to upset her.

Ineedmorepatience Sun 09-Mar-14 22:02:57

My Dd3 can be like this MLL, she will completely blank her dad if I am around and will cry when I go out and leave her with him which must be hard for him.

I do think in our house DP doesnt help himself though, he forgets her little ways and does things "for a change" which she hates!

I am not saying that is the case in your house but it definitely makes things harder in mine.

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