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Concerns about dd and a child at school who seems a bit fixated on her

(15 Posts)
lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 17:54:56

Dd is 12 and is severely autistic. Her communication is very limited and she is also very passive and would literally let anyone do anything to her, which makes her a very vulnerable target IMO.

In September she started a new school and seems to be getting on well there but there is a boy in her class who seems to be constantly glued to her side, gave her a valentines present and today I have been sent a picture of him with her and he has got her sitting on his lap. The way he is looking at her concerns me, not because I have any reason to suspect anything bad about him but because I know that she will go along with whatever others try to get her to do.

Do schools monitor stuff like this? I am worried about what could happen if she was left alone with him at break time. He is a lot bigger than her and she would not tell me if anything happened.

What would you do in this situation? If she could make her feelings known I would not worry but she can't.

NewBlueCoat Wed 26-Feb-14 18:13:44

is it a SN school?

I would ask what their policy is re: children being alone together, and check staff ratios at breaks and lunchtimes.

I understand your problem, dd1 would be the same, and she is currently doing a lot of work at school on the concepts of 'private' and body autonomy. has your dd done any work on privacy/puberty/relationships? is this somethign that could be useful?

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 18:27:39

Yes it is a school for special needs. The problem is that some of the children in her class are socially higher functioning than she is although there are only 11 in her class. It really worries me to think that stuff could happen to her that she would not want.

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 18:28:42

She hasn't done any work on that stuff although there is going to be a talk about it shortly I think. I just don't think she will understand it - it will go over her head IMO.

NewBlueCoat Wed 26-Feb-14 18:30:23

Have you spoken to the school at all abuot what their policies are? THey have to have something in place for these situations, especially in a secondary school.

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 18:32:29

I will try to get an appointment at school tomorrow so that I can discuss it with someone. I remember asking when we looked at the school if the children were supervised and lunch and was told 'yes'.

NewBlueCoat Wed 26-Feb-14 18:33:16

A talk is hopeless, surely confused

dd1 has begun work on a 'private folder' which will take her though all the puberty stuff, and who should help her in the bathroom, for eg, and who can ask her to take clothes off/should see her naked (eg family, doctor, not friends etc) it is a long slow process, but hopefully some of it is going in. It's a real worry.

PolterGoose Wed 26-Feb-14 18:35:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 19:02:20

Thanks for replies. When she was doing ABA at a mainstream school, there were kids there that also used to fixate on her but the ABA tutors would generally tell them to back off because they knew she wouldn't.

AgnesDiPesto Wed 26-Feb-14 21:24:26

ABA tends to be clued up about whats age appropriate and proactive about heading off potential problems.

The school should not be letting 12 year olds sit on each others laps. It is almost certainly entirely innocent, but it makes both very vulnerable when they are outside a safe environment. Not just your DD, but also the boy. What if he sits on a girls knee on the bus, or grabs a girl to sit on his knee? This is how boys with LD/ASD end up with criminal records / beaten up.

I would make it clear to school this is not age appropriate behaviour and is leaving both children open to negative consequences / vulnerable and needs to stop. Agree with Polter ask what education is in place on this.

ABA taught DS who it was ok to hug / tickle / sit on lap, and who not, when he was 6 as it was already becoming age inappropriate at mainstream school.

We taught relationship circles first then linked it to people its ok to hug / not hug. We did it by matching programme to start with.

zzzzz Wed 26-Feb-14 22:08:18

Thanks so much or posting about this. It is an area I hadn't considered and should address.

thanks

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 23:05:00

I agree with you Agnes. Apparently, dd's class were pretending to do something from Strictly Come Dancing and she was dancing with him so it looked like she was sitting on his lap but is in kind of a dance pose, actually.

It occurred to me though that every time I see her at school he seems to be glued to her. When she was in a mainstream primary school there was a boy who used to get too much in her personal space and also obsessed about her and made up songs about her etc. Her ABA tutor would try to do something to address this.

lottieandmia Wed 26-Feb-14 23:21:06

zzzzz - I have not seen many posts about this sort of thing but I imagine it must be an issue in many schools.

lottieandmia Thu 27-Feb-14 11:06:31

I have spoken to someone at school and she's going to get the teacher to call me back.

NewBlueCoat Thu 27-Feb-14 11:18:43

I hope they are able to put your mind at ease, Lottie. It is a really trick situation but one which needs addressing for everyone's sake.

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