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"Dd2 is never going to be the sort who has friends..."

(29 Posts)
lougle Thu 20-Feb-14 23:44:20

Someone said this to me today. She said that dD2 isn't going to have friends because she is "too serious" and that it doesn't matter because she's not bothered.

I said that she is very much bothered, and the reply was "we'll that's because she sees DD3 and doesn't realise she's different."

Some children genuinely aren't bothered, I know, but DD2 is, very much so.

Why is everybody so satisfied with a sad, confused child who can't learn and thinks she's no good for anything? Why do I feel like it's a continual fight for people to even see who DD2 is?

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 20-Feb-14 23:48:40

This is why I am very selective about who I discuss ds's issues with I just can't deal with other people's stupid statements and lack of understanding.

I think I would have smacked her at the point she said "she doesn't realise she's different"

lougle Thu 20-Feb-14 23:52:20

This is someone I see very regularly. So it's difficult.

zzzzz Fri 21-Feb-14 00:29:51

Ds1 has always cared very much that he can't join in easily.

Last week he told me that he wanted to be able to talk like his twin. I told him that I would help him learn how and would help till he could do it himself. He said "thanks Mum"........I may not ever recover. sad

lougle Fri 21-Feb-14 00:51:39

Oh zzzzz sad What a lucky boy he is to have you.

I read DD2's diary entry one day. It simply said "I fined it hard to fined frends." sad

I said to her today "DD2 if you ever think of something that would make things easier for you, tell me so I can help you, because if you think it, I won't know you're thinking it unless you tell me."

I was thinking of help with work or chatting through, etc.

She said:

"There is a thing but I know it won't happen. I really need a TV in my room, under DD3's but of the bed. Because whenever I sit down to watch CITV, DD1 whines that she wants to watch CBeebies."

Then she pondered and said:

"And can you give me my own bedroom."

Not quite what I meant!

OneInEight Fri 21-Feb-14 07:15:01

I am annoyed on your behalf. School kept saying ds2 did not want friends as he became increasingly withdrawn. Actually, no he really wanted to have friends & was absolutely miserable when other children rejected him. The withdrawal was a coping strategy - nobody can reject you if you don't attempt to make friends. Just because a child does not have friends does not mean they do not want to have friends. Ironically, ds1 who is the one school thought was more social is the one who doesn't seem that bothered if he has friends or not as long as he gets what he wants to do.

Chopstheduck Fri 21-Feb-14 07:21:44


Poor dd2! I hope it does get easier for her as she gets older.

Does she do any extra curricular stuff? DS1 found it easier to make friends at Boys Brigade. Children who only see each other for an hour or so a week tend to be more accepting, and you don't get the whole politics of school friendships. I think that in turn helped him make friendships at school, once he got out of the primary school system.

grin @ the TV though, very nice try!

AwfulMaureen Fri 21-Feb-14 08:03:19

Lougle would she like a pen friend? I know it' s not like playing with someone else but she might enjoy it all the same and it could be nice...

PolterGoose Fri 21-Feb-14 08:23:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lougle Fri 21-Feb-14 09:10:00

Thank you flowers

Yes, Polter.

Bilberry Fri 21-Feb-14 09:51:03

My ds withdraws and plays on his own at nursery because it is so difficult for him to communicate. I remember the first lot of observations he had they reported back that he didn't like playing with other children! I had to point out that he is very very pleased/happy when other children do play with him but he just doesn't have the skills to initiate it. Fortunately, they have now worked that one out.

Ineedmorepatience Fri 21-Feb-14 10:05:27

lougle , please remember this is only one persons opinion and it doesnt really matter!!

You and your DH are the only people whose opinion matters when it comes to your Dd2. You are the experts on her, you know she needs a friend and I know you will do everything you can to help her.

My Dd3 is actually very lucky in some ways because she doesnt really understand the complexities of friendshipso anyone who will do what she wants to do is a friend. I try to do trips out to places I know she likes and pick a "friend" from the pot who I think will also enjoy it.

My method has generally worked apart from one or two disasters but it is an awful lot better than trying to do home playdates.

Good luck and have brew and cake

bochead Fri 21-Feb-14 10:33:33

woah! That's the worst thing I've heard in a long time! (& I've heard some right corkers!)

One of our homeschool groups is struggling to get their collective heads round the fact that DS is really missing an older, less verbal severe ASD lad badly. (his therapy schedule has changed) and can't see why I'd want to organise a playdate for my verbal son with a child that doesn't talk. DS remembers being very similar to this lad himself a couple of years ago and wants to help him socialise, in the same way he was helps cos he "gets" how the lad ticks.

I'm actually really pleased to see that DS's definition of friendship is his own - "someone who has my back" rather than the more usual glee definition. I adored my older non-verbal GDD cousin growing up, we were very close, though our games and communication system looked frankly weird to everyone around us.

I'm saying this as I think it's so important for you to remember that friendship may look different to outsiders for your daughter, but that she will eventually attract people that DO really care about her & want to go out of their way to spend time with her - "serious" though demeanor might be or no.

I still have to keep playdates crazily well structured and utilise my knowledge of kids crafts etc to help. If you ever want any ideas for planning a playdate do pm me. Shared interest groups have helped DS learn mainstream social skills, far more than the general environment of school. In the meantime please, please, catalogue those awful comments as being just too darn ignorant and nasty to be worth acknowledgment.

zzzzz Fri 21-Feb-14 11:35:34

Oh lougle I so wish you lived closer. sad

lougle Fri 21-Feb-14 13:24:01

I wish we lived closer too, zzzzz thanks

I met with a friend today, who has only met DD2 once (and told me that in her mind it was obvious that DD2 has SN). Today she said 'I'm shocked you're not getting help for her. It's blindingly obvious she's got SN - she looks completely vacant most of the time.'

It's absolutely true. You get glimpses of her character at times (e.g. when she's enjoying herself playing; when she sees someone she adores; when she's swimming) but most of the time her expression is flat and vacant sad

zzzzz Fri 21-Feb-14 13:34:16

That can be anxiety lougle. (Not that that isn't a SN, but it explains the intermittent blankness). Dd3 does it when in social situations, it's one of those "selective mute" things.

My dd3 needs friends too. sad

We must all stop waiting for someone to help.

zzzzz Fri 21-Feb-14 13:35:51

I should also add it wasn't obvious at that SW meet up.

PolterGoose Fri 21-Feb-14 14:03:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaNotChristmas Fri 21-Feb-14 19:50:45

Beavers is usually very, very good for spectrummy kids. You might want to get a police check and stay as an extra helper. For this reason, dc with SN are usually enthusiastically welcomed wink

Minecraft? Or Roblox? (bit easier) or club penguin, or bin weevils might give her some online friends.

Or else something small-furry-animal / horsey with lots of 'big girls'

lougle Fri 21-Feb-14 20:19:07

Thanks for the ideas.

I've started investigating Badgers (little St John's Ambulance).

She said to me 'I love school.' My heart soared and I said 'Oh...why's that, what's changed?' 'I'm going to <boy in dragonflies>'s party on March 1st.'

I hope that feeling lasts hmm

PolterGoose Fri 21-Feb-14 20:24:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstantCraving Fri 21-Feb-14 21:13:30

Lougle I have had that said about my DD. She does not interact at all with other children at nursery and apparently 'doesn't want to'. She did used to want to and I fear that as others have pointed out she is not interacting now as a way of protecting herself because she cannot communicate with them in the same way. The social 'rules' make no sense to her.
I hope the party goes well.

MyFabulousBoys Fri 21-Feb-14 21:38:39

Maria - it depends on your Beaver leaders. Ours threatened to exclude DS after one bad session - he ran around all the time and wouldn't listen, he had been inside for every break time that week due to the weather and just went a bit loopy that evening. They didn't call me to come and pick him up or chat nicely about the problem. Just read me the riot act in front of the other parents.

It was humiliating and depressing. We stuck out Beavers to get to cubs which suits him much better. Extra-curricular activities very much depend on the person running it.

lougle Fri 21-Feb-14 21:59:41

Yes, the boy who has invited her has a bit of a reputation as a 'naughty' boy but probably (I think) has SN. I really like him. They go to dragonflies together and although they seem to bring out the more silly behaviours of each other, I think it's wonderful that they are hitting it off.

PolterGoose Fri 21-Feb-14 22:17:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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