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I cannot cope any longer

(8 Posts)
bananananacoconuts Sun 16-Feb-14 22:16:36

Am totally at my wits end. I am a single parent to ds 7 and dd 5. Ds shows signs of Adhd dyspraxia OCD and Aspergers and tonight i am broken.
We've spent 2 years trying to get ds seen by a paed but are still at the referral stage. We have been seen by Fast but they can't help us and so we are back to waiting for a camhs referral.
Ds has "lost it" tonight. He thinks nobody likes him, everyone says he plays boring games and he is so lonely he wants to just hide forever. He screamed the house down, he sobbed, he smashed plates and threw the magnets off the fridge.
All i could do was hold him. I have no idea how to remedy this. I am desperately sad for him. He does play boring, repetitive games but he is so desperate to be liked, he will do anything anyone asks of him even if he finds it boring. However, he then expects the same level of cooperation when he choses a game and just can't understand why other kids don't want to quote Octonauts word for word and be shouted at if they get it wrong or play aeroplanes and zoom around the playground aged 7-8. It doesn't help that he's August birthday so in Y3 but in a mixed class of Y3 and Y4 so some of his class mates turned 9 in September.
I don't know why i'm writing this, I just feel as helpless helping him as he feela

everydayaschoolday Sun 16-Feb-14 22:38:40

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, but I didn't want to read and run. There are lots of posters on here that are dealing with similar, and I'm sure they'll be along shortly. Talking it through with people who understand really helps. Lots of brew and cake and really hope that tomorrow might be a little brighter for you.

lougle Sun 16-Feb-14 22:46:01

I'm sorry, bananananacoconuts. There is nothing I can say to make it better, except, perhaps, that I understand a little because we're in a similar place.

bananananacoconuts Sun 16-Feb-14 22:53:49

Thanks for your kind words.
Things have got significantly worse since i started working full time in the new year. As a single parent though i have no choice. He did something so horrendous at school a few weeks ago that the head nearly excluded him and has now called the ed psych (so in one way it worked in our favour) although we have no idea when he'll meet the ed psych. I'm sick of feeling useless and helpless. I can't look after him. I'm slowly losing it 1 day at a time

Swanhildapirouetting Sun 16-Feb-14 23:03:38

We've had this with ds2, and I so feel for you. If it is any consolation, it flares up (ds's perception of being left out) and then dies down, because he has a lovely quality of being interested in things, and focusing entirely on things that do interest him and people who DO care for him, and forgetting his other troubles (other people and how they react to him)

I think because we are older and wiser we take on responsibility for all their sorrows and forget that sometimes they just discharge their emotions and feel much better for it, until the next time sadsmile

I think you should ask the school to log any incidents of him having difficulties in the playground as matter of urgency, because sometimes that can speed up a CAMHs referral. We certainly found that the school had to give an extremely negative version of ds's behaviour in school in order for him to be seen. They warned us that they needed to show his behaviour on the worst day not the best. And you need to do the same.

Also in the meantime school should be taking some responsibility for his social communication difficulties. My son's primary arranged a buddy for lunchtimes when he was being teased. They had a friendship bench in the playground. They had a small club where they did Lego, and he was able to interact without the same pressures of a large playground. There was also a Nurture group, where he went and was part of smaller group.

I used to say that my child was so upset he wasn't coming in unless something was done to support him, and fear of dipping attendance figures made them act very promptly to provide this support. I rang up the SENCO and spoke to her directly on these occasions, where I felt he was so upset about the playground situation.

You may feel that holding him close is of little help, but it is such a powerful way of reminding your child you are on his side, and that he can rely on you through thick and thin and that honestly is worth an awful lot.

Redoubtable Sun 16-Feb-14 23:05:03

banana I have been exactly where you are with children, ages, work, parenting and have felt broken at times.

DS was carded (first of 3 steps to exclusion) at school for 'behaviour' (he is highly sensory-defensive and was getting out of what was a threatening situation to him) before there was a diagnosis, despite my going into school and talking about my concerns.

DS was excluded from games, parties etc by his class mates because he's not into football or rugby. And I dragged dropped him there one day over his protestations that he hated it there; 'you've no idea, mum, how awful it is for me'.

2 years later, with a diagnosis, and in-school recognition and help, we have turned a corner. It will never be easy for him- but thats ok, we can cope.

I'm not saying this to gloat- but to tell you that you will get there, it will get better.

Where to start?
Get a diary and daily record the things that concern you- the 'quirky things' he does/says.
Record everything that you say to school- even if its a little chat, send and email 'to follow up'.
Insist that he is seen as a high priority for assessment.

You're a fab parent because you are not ignoring this.

Swanhildapirouetting Sun 16-Feb-14 23:16:29

You are not useless and helpless.
Do you think it is tiredness that is exacerbating the meltdowns if he is in an after school club? Would he better off looked after by a child minder, or even one person? Or perhaps he doesn't like the person who looks after him? Has he homework to do that he cannot get done without you, and it is an added pressure. Could that be agreed with the teacher that he doesn't do any homework in the current situation.

Or maybe it is just the change pure and simple and he will get used to the new arrangement of you working full time.

I know that ds2 found it very difficult adapting to new carers and new routines(I once tried leaving him when he was 6 with someone after school and it was a disaster) but ironically because he trusts adults and relates to them better than his peers, he was the child who loved talking to the teenager who babysat, when my other two were refusing to communicate with her and hiding in their rooms.

Everything had to be very carefully planned if another adult was looking after him, the food he liked, the time he went to bed, what was a good way to interact with him (he liked board games and trips to the park to play football) His clothes had to be provided for him and every instruction spelled out, and no expectations of him from someone who didn't know what he was or wasn't capable of. He loved her. He's loved being with the latest babysitter of 17 too.

Just some thoughts blush

Swanhildapirouetting Sun 16-Feb-14 23:28:06

If ds has been nearly excluded you have a case for a much more urgent referral to CAMHS; we certainly had our referral massively speeded up when ds2 scratched someone in the playground in retaliation for what he thought was an attack (someone accidentally bumped into him)

Just a word of warning, whatever your family circumstances they will try and make that a factor in ds's behaviour and it is very easy to feel under pressure and guilty about that. My not working was used as a example of my being depressed and having low self esteem, disorganised etc. Other parents have had the fact that they worked used against them as not providing enough support confused If you have lots of children they will say you cannot manage all of them, and that is a factor, if you have just one they will say you are PFB confused You can take a lot of these comments with a pinch of salt. As other posters have said it is much cheaper to blame your parenting than actually provide interventions for your child.

That said, if you are a parent to a child with these conditions, you will find reserves of strength and calm that you never knew existed.

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