I don't really need a response to this as I said in the title sometimes I just need to get it out. I have not been on for a very long time and always seem to be in need when I do come on. I feel like I am on a tiny island and surrounded by huge pits and I keep losing my balance and falling in. I wonder how long I will have the strength to climb out again. Sadly my relationship with my son is one of those pits. I have been on every parenting course on offer, I am trained in teaching, in working with children with special needs, and yet daily I fall into the pit, sometimes several times a day. I am f**** it all up. I know that I am doing it wrong but at times there doesn't seem to be a 'right' way or the 'right' way is so narrow and winding and extraordinarily dangerous I never make it to the end, I start out alright but end up in the pit anyway. I look around me and it seems that maybe it is all me, he doesn't have special needs, it is just all me falling in the pit and him reacting to my parenting or lack of parenting skills. For today I made it until 8 am before I fell in the pit. I am not talking about depression I don't think I could climb out if it was depression it is just a complete inability to be a good parent. Everyone around me says that they admire me but none of it is real, they don't see the pit or how many screw ups I make, they see me when I am balanced on the edge and think I am doing great, Im not doing great and my son is suffering.
I hear you. I sometimes watch myself with total incredulity as I eff up again and again. I find it so hard not to rise to my dd even though I know she needs me to be totally calm and consistent etc. I wish I could change some of my parenting for good!
I used to feel like that all the time with Dd1 and I screwed up really badly with her. I nearly blew our relationship compltely at times but do you know what she is 25 now and we get on ok. We have worked though it and come out the other side.
When she was 19 I had to tell her I couldnt parent her anymore and she left home that was a really low point but we got through it.
Keep on climbing out of those pits because one day you will look around your island and most of them will be gone, you wont notice them going but they will.
I hear you. DS1's OT says repeatedly "oh you are so good with him, you seem to know exactly what he needs".. I don't feel like it. I feel like I'm constantly swimming against the tide. I feel like I'm just putting out the fires, not really gaining any ground (and losing ground most days).
I wonder sometimes if people say they think we're coping well because they don't want to deal with the fallout if we're not IYSWIM.
Thank you for all the replies, it has been a day of more time in the pit than out of it. We "lost" a diagnosis recently with the team leader saying that "It comes down to management, the correct management and ds will be transformed....ie bad parenting!!! Thanks for that feeling really crap at dealing with his special need requirements oh wait he doesn't have special needs requirements I have created them through my poor management. This has made me more likely than ever to fall off the edge as I am constantly assessing how should I do this, how should I handle this, second guessing everything I do and say every moment of the day waiting to fall into the pit where I know that somewhere in that process I should have done it differently. I'm tired.
I do feel much like once there's a dx, we're turned loose. An occasional check back, but even if you indicate problems they just "hmmm" and make a few notes and "just keep doing as you're doing, you'll be fine."