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Disaster of a meeting at school...

(22 Posts)
HerNibs Wed 12-Feb-14 18:09:51

So I called a meeting with head teacher, sendco and form tutor to discuss DS2's provision map as despite plenty of strategies in place he has no friends, high anxiety and takes it all out on his 6 yr old brother(DS3) when he gets home from school. (DS2 is currently being assessed by CAMHS for AS/ASD.)

All is rosy at school though apparently! A referral to the family resilience service is what's been offered, and I'm gutted...

We went through all of this with DS1 and I foolishly thought it would be easier this time... More fool me.

I've booked myself onto countless courses, bought and read anything I thought would help but stupid me, it's all my fault isn't it sad

I'm sick of people thinking I'm a shit parent just because I want my children to be happy and I'm sick of schools thinking that good academic progress is a reasonable trade of for a happy childhood.

Sorry for the self pity, I just wanted to offload to people who would understand...

IamRechargingthankYou Wed 12-Feb-14 18:27:13

brew and cake.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Feb-14 18:48:39

cake and brew from me as well.

As you have seen all too clearly you are your child's best - and only - advocate here.

Does he have a statement in place - I ask as was wondering about the reference to a provision map (know some people here who have provision maps linked to the statement).

I daresay that even if there was a statement in place (hopefully your DS does have a statement) they would not want to help him because they cannot or will not see that he has additional needs. Many school staff are simply not skilled enough to recognise many such children particularly if the child is both compliant and quiet at school. These children therefore go unnoticed and ignored.

I would now look at other schools in your area (a given now) and apply for a statement of special needs from the LEA on his behalf asap if DS does not have a statement. is a good website. I would also suggest you apply for DLA on his behalf as well as obtain a copy of the SEN Code of Practice.

wetaugust Wed 12-Feb-14 18:49:56

So the 3 of them ganged up on you? That's what it sounds like.

If he doesn't have a Statement you should apply for one. If he does have a Statement you should consider whether this school can (or wants to) meet his needs.

In either event he should have an IEP - not a pointless provision map.

Blaming the parent is standard behaviour by the way - it's a lot cheaper than delivering expensive support.

wetaugust Wed 12-Feb-14 18:50:53

we x-posted Attila grin -the same advice by the looks of it grin

StarlightMcKingsThree Wed 12-Feb-14 18:57:51

family resilience say what? hmm

HerNibs Wed 12-Feb-14 19:02:33

Thank you smile

He doesn't have a statement and I haven't pushed yet as until Christmas he was managing ok...

I don't think I have the paperwork to get the LA to agree to a SA, but have an appointment for a two day developmental assessment with BIBIC at the beginning of March.

His old school really 'got him' and I could see this coming over a year ago and really tried to get things in place before he left...thanks to our incompetent local hospital and paediatrician it turned into a shambles sad He transitioned to a larger primary from his tiny rural infants school last September and 'took a long time to settle' and since Christmas he has swung between withdrawn to aggressive which is so unlike him sad

Would the LA agree to a SA with just my report a now out of date EP report and a SALT report that says no language issues (although I don't entirely agree there either!)

HerNibs Wed 12-Feb-14 19:04:49

Does anyone know what Family Resilience could do for us as we don't seem to fit their remit?

wetaugust Wed 12-Feb-14 19:09:15

They may do. The important thing is to get the application in immediately before Statementing is abolished. You can always use the BBIC information later when you receive it as you will have it in time for any appeal against refusal to assess, if that's the LA decision.

You're realising that without a Statement anything that school choses to give you is voluntarily and that's not good enough.

StarlightMcKingsThree Wed 12-Feb-14 19:20:33

Family resilience can come into your home and tell you that you need to get a routine in place, then they go away and tell everyone that your child's problems are because you didn't have a routine in place and now it is all sorted.

Then your ds' problems don't go away and everyone says it is because you're not sticking to the routine.

AgnesDiPesto Wed 12-Feb-14 19:28:14

Many LAs will routinely turn down all SA requests unless there are 1-2 years of evidence and a million other pointless hoops to jump through. The hoops are not necessary they are put there to slow you down and delay paying more. Just apply with what you have. They will turn you down and you appeal. By the time the tribunal is heard you will have bibic etc evidence and plenty more. Once you appeal the onus switches to LA to prove it knows what the needs are fully and has made provision for them. Just go for it. If they don't back down you will have 7-8 months before tribunal to gather what you need. If things start to happen and support put in place you can withdraw the appeal at any time. The statutory process is the only ammunition you have. Unless you are in a statutory process they can fob you off forever.
Frankly I'd tell them to come and spend an evening at your house after a bad day at school and see how * resilient they feel at the end of it. The more diplomatic way would be to ask for the course curriculum and what evidence / expertise the course leader has in autism given approaches which work for other children generally don't work for autism.

Handywoman Wed 12-Feb-14 19:33:14

Oh OP, I have been on the receiving end of this kind of bullying from school. Can you change schools?

More cake brew wine for you

HerNibs Wed 12-Feb-14 20:30:06

I'm so glad I posted, thank you all so much.

Starlight...I had a feeling that would be what they (family resilience) contributed. I could honestly do without the extra stress! Our house couldn't be more routine bound if I tried smile I suspect they just want someone to come in and spy on me/us and yes, confirm it's my shoddy parenting. I'm kicking myself for agreeing as I felt if I didn't agree they would think I was making it all up...

Actually, I'm going to email the head tomorrow and politely decline her offer as this scenario is well documented in children with ASD. Until CAMHS confirm otherwise I will continue to parent him as I always have which has never been an issue until he started there. Will also include relevant photocopies from Tony Attwood and NAS to support this Jekyll/Hyde scenario.

I realise that I'm cutting it very fine now wrt new SEN process coming in in September...does anyone know how it will actually work as yet?

I'll get that SA request on the go first thing smile

But in the meantime... wine and thanks for all of you smile

HerNibs Wed 12-Feb-14 20:31:53

Handy woman...this appeared to be the best of the local lot hmm

I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour before too, it's awful isn't it? sad

Handywoman Wed 12-Feb-14 21:21:10

Yes. Awful.

Mollyweasley Wed 12-Feb-14 21:22:05

This happened to us….nobody knows about the jeckyll and hyde scenario. It is so unfair, teachers have no training in ASD why have they got so much power in children and family getting the help they need. The whole thing makes me so angry!!! angry

lost of cake to you hernibs

FaceDirectionOfTravel Thu 13-Feb-14 17:58:20

My son's (lovely) school told me he was fine in school. I told them he brought all the anxiety home. Then I said I was getting worried about the prospect of school refusal and the SENCO came up with a strategy (he does not have a statement, just needed a bit of extra handling).

Others have also said to me that those are magic words that can make a school listen.

Ineedmorepatience Thu 13-Feb-14 18:12:28

Hi hernibs have you ever kept a diary?

We are in the process of gathering info for tribunal. I have found lots of articles that have info on children coping in school and then falling apart at home. Most of my stuff is about girls but I bet you could find some too.

Do you have any other children? Not that it matters but when my parenting was questioned on numerous occassions I have always reminded people that Dd3 is my third child so I am an experienced parent!!

Stick to your guns and remember you are the number one professional on your child!!

Good luck smile

pannetone Thu 13-Feb-14 22:24:25

Ineed could you 'share' any links for your info please - I am also battling against the 'fine in school' platitude for my HFA DD. If you haven't got links just a pointer to webaites would be great.

And ,yes, to the fact that we are 'blamed' as parents for our Dc's difficulties. Even the CAMHS therapist this week was asking if we were sure that DD wasn't just choosing to tell us only the 'bad' things at school. In actual fact, DD doesn't tell us how she has felt about whatever has happened at school - we just know by her behaviour after school. And now she is giving the biggest message of all that her needs are not being met - she will no longer go. Or course school can't see why she has stopped going in - because as far at they are concerned she was fine. CAMHs therapist keeps going on about working out 'what changed' at the start of the year. To me it is a 'natural progression' from not having her needs met, to then stop going to school. And as far as I am concerned the answer to getting her back in and keeping her in school is pretty obvious too - meet her needs!

HerNibs Fri 14-Feb-14 18:41:18

Hello All!

Well what a week! I politely but firmly declined the input of family resilience and have had no word back. I know it has been received though as the Head Teacher smiled and ignored me when I had to hand deliver DS2 to his classroom this morning in tears sad

I have been keeping a behaviour diary since before Christmas when I felt things sliding and since the meeting I have also had the chance to record DS2 having some fantastic meltdowns, abusing his siblings (I intervened!!) and crying on the whole journey to school.

I have copied in CAMHS the all communications, so they are in the loop but again, no word from them...

By a stroke of luck I bumped into his teacher from last year who was horrified and has promised to help, I could have cried with relief!

Plan for Monday: contact EP who assessed DS2 in July to discuss downturn of events and then make contact with EP in new school to log concerns.

Send off SA request to LA along with copies of letters and emails logging my concerns as far back as May 2011. Also including reports.

Chase CAMHS.

Continue recording behaviour diary (although I strongly suspect that he will be much more relaxed over the weekend and until Thursday/Friday when he starts worrying about going back to school. We shall see...)

My ultimate goal is for him to go to the awesome special school that DS1 went to, although I'll be keeping that to myself for the time being.

I've had a cry, and now I'm just angry!

I'm hoping LA will remember my name and realise I won't give up, because I didn't last time and DS1 got everything he needed...I can but dream!!

Thank you again for your support and understanding, Mumsnet at its best smile

HerNibs Fri 14-Feb-14 18:51:48

And just as a little boost to my resolve, today I've had DS1 report from his first term in his new Independant specialist secondary school, and it's glowing! I couldn't be more thrilled and it just goes to prove what can be achieved with the right support in place.

I'm so sick of unskilled mainstream teachers thinking academic achievement is a good trade off for a happy childhood with meaningful friendships.

I'll keep on going until DS2 gets to the happy place that DS1 is now in. Children deserve to thrive, not just cope!

FaceDirectionOfTravel Fri 14-Feb-14 19:53:01

Hernibs you go, girl! You have got a great plan there and you are focused on the big picture. All strength to you.

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