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Feel shit and deflated

(34 Posts)
HugAndRoll Mon 10-Feb-14 12:18:06

Just had a meeting with school teacher, senco and sn health visitor. All very pleasant but ds1 has no problems in school. Seems he's saving it all for us (although he does have poo issues in school as I clear up the aftermath). Maybe we're just bad parents.

It's not that I want him to have issues in school obviously but when he's so "normal" in school and so not "normal" at home it makes me sad and makes me feel like a neurotic parent even though medical staff see what we see

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Feb-14 12:43:47

No you are not a bad parent. Not one bit of it so banish that from your mindset as of now.

Many children with additional needs in school that are not being met or at all recognised act out badly at home because they bottle up all their frustrations of the school day when there. Just because they cannot see it does not follow that problems are not there.

Also many school staff are simply not trained or skilled enough to actually spot children with additional needs.

HugAndRoll Mon 10-Feb-14 12:59:02

He has high functioning autism and some mild physical issues too. I just wish they could see what we have to deal with when he has a meltdown in the playground after school/at home.

Just feel blaghdjekkndnd (that's a real word, honest).

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 10-Feb-14 13:02:41

Its clear that this school have no idea or even inclination in working with your son effectively. He is being failed here by them.

I would look at other schools now and also apply for a Statement on his behalf from the LEA.

Good word you used. I won't even try and pronounce it!.

Holycowiloveyoureyes Mon 10-Feb-14 13:09:48

Hugandroll I hear ya!

We have exactly the same and it's so bloody frustrating. I'm told it's really common and I'm trying really hard not to doubt myself.


lougle Mon 10-Feb-14 13:17:18

I'm with you, HugAndRoll. Have a ((hug))

2boysnamedR Mon 10-Feb-14 13:18:14

When ds was two months into yr one I went to see his class teacher. She had concerns on his physical issues. Then ot went in. When ot pointed things out - lo and behold school could then see it.

Ds does save up some specail stuff just for home, but he's always dyspraxic, skippy, flappy, clumsy and fidgety with no sense of awareness if his body in space.

To be fair I didn't see it until ot told me. All the tip toeing, facial tics etc are easy to overlook.

I sometimes think ds walks like the secene in Austin powers where he is on mini me shoulders in the submarine (if you have seen that film). The more I look the more I can see THAT'S not normal

PolterGoose Mon 10-Feb-14 13:49:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minionmadness Mon 10-Feb-14 14:20:22

Sadly I believe we all get this to a lesser or greater degree. So you are not alone, and certainly not a bad parent. You know your own child best.

I've always filmed/voice recorded ds, it was one piece of advise I received when I first came to these boards a few years back. I've often needed to use this to drive home my message to professionals, especially when they are trying to get out of giving more that they want to.

Lastly, schools don't always record things... an example of mine. Last week, ds was upset over breakfast and I had walked out of the dining room into the kitchen, whilst I was in there ds had opened the front door and was off down the lane. I only realised when I felt a draught around my legs. Fortunately I caught up with him fairly quickly. This was my own fault as firstly, I had put the keys in the lock (they are usually up high). Secondly he hasn't tried to get out the house for a long time, so I had got complacent.

Anyway I mentioned this incidents in his home/school diary. Imagine my surprise when quite casually it was reported back that ds often tries to leave the classroom at school. Never once has this been mentioned to me or been written in his home/school diary!

HugAndRoll Mon 10-Feb-14 17:58:27

Wow! Thank you for your replies. Dh and I wholeheartedly agree that filming will be a very good idea.

I was talking to a friend about this as the main point which kept getting raised was other children show his behaviours (stims included apparently). She said that she bets that none of those other children do all of the behaviours, just one. Shame I didn't think to ask that at the time.

StarlightMcKingsThree Mon 10-Feb-14 18:37:06

If you were sent alone to another country with unwritten rules you weren't aware of, with corruption and violence for things you couldn't explain that you were at a great risk of being caught up with if you weren't careful, - but yet were reliant on those people to get your basic needs met, you'd be no problem. You'd break down when your mum called you on the phone though.

HugAndRoll Mon 10-Feb-14 20:44:28

That is an amazing analogy.

youarewinning Mon 10-Feb-14 21:54:46

star amazing way of putting it. Your words never cease to touch me. thanks

StarlightMcKingsThree Tue 11-Feb-14 13:32:54

Thanks. I just despair at how barbaric the system can be, and whilst it is usually through well-meaning ignorance, that is just not good enough because:

a)Parents can teach, if only they'd be heard
b)These are vulnerable children who are already at huge disadvantage without adding mental health issues to the list


c)These children are at increasing risk of their potential for an independent and therefore 'cheap' living being scuppered for the sake of a few meetings, a bit of TA support and training.

PlantingPowers Tue 11-Feb-14 13:50:37

Sorry to butt in, but this is a really interesting discussion smile. The thing about children 'holding it together' at school and letting it out at home - how does that work with ADHD, where the behaviours need to be seen in more than one setting for a diagnosis to be made? Anyone know?

Are 'allowances' for this made in the diagnositic process, or does ADHD not get diagnosed because children are holding it in at school? Do the people that diagnose do visits to home to see the children, and if so, are difficulties put down to bad parenting?

How come some children ARE about to 'hold it in' some of the time if they do have issues such as ADHD or autism? Surely an aspect of their condition if that they can't moderate their behaviours to appear NT? Am not meaning to cause offence, just interested smile

HugAndRoll Tue 11-Feb-14 14:53:45

planting I was told that as school is such a routine, same thing on a daily basis, lots of structure in the day etc it helps with some autistic behaviours. The other thing is as long as they're doing well academically, they don't seem to flag up as having problems. Ds1 is in the top group academically and they couldn't see any problems yet he will come home from school having being sat in his own faeces for an afternoon hmm.

Ds1 doesn't have ADHD but autism (high functioning), sensory issues, hypotonia and hypermobility. Medics are baffled he has no 1:1 in school and school are baffled that they think he needs it. I'm just in the middle not knowing what the hell to do.

HugAndRoll Tue 11-Feb-14 14:55:12

Oh, and the medical team can spot things teachers can't. Ed psych and paediatrician see autistic behaviours in school from ds1 that get missed by his teachers.

PolterGoose Tue 11-Feb-14 18:26:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlantingPowers Tue 11-Feb-14 21:14:37

Ah, ok. I guess it isn't helpful lumping ADHD in with autism as they present such different issues. I can see how school can maybe be helpful with routines and structure I suppose, but surely the potential for things to go off piste with 30 or so other children in the mix must make it very challenging for a child with autism to function? I find it hard to see how autistic traits don't come out at school if they are obvious at home? As for teaching staff not seeing things - I suppose if the child isn't 'disruptive', the fact that they aren't 'happy' or fulfilling their potential is less visible?

I am still interested though in how ADHD can be diagnosed if children with it can 'hold it together' at school and let it out at home, when the diagnostic criteria is that it must be present and have a negative impact in two separate settings. Or are chilpdren with ADHD much less likely to be able to hold it together at school - it feels like people on here often report that they do?

PolterGoose Tue 11-Feb-14 21:19:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaNotChristmas Tue 11-Feb-14 21:22:33

Planting, the swimming teachers always spot ADHD. Give them the other setting questionnaire wink

PlantingPowers Tue 11-Feb-14 21:28:18

Asking as a parent of a child who may have ADHD, polter - you were on my other thread smile. DS ticks all the boxes at home, but only occasionally at school...I am wondering if he were to be assessed whether it would mean no diagnosis if he were having a 'good day' at school...

Lol at swimming teachers maria - DS has stopped lessons now, but spent most of his time splashing the other children and diving underwater when the teacher was talking. When he noticed the other children were off doing something across the pool, he would chuck himself after them, without any idea of what stroke he was meant to be doing!

MariaNotChristmas Tue 11-Feb-14 21:33:33

See, told you so grin

Go & have a chat about a few future 1-1 lessons, then ask them to fill in the form.

PolterGoose Tue 11-Feb-14 21:45:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlantingPowers Tue 11-Feb-14 22:13:23

Thanks maria and polter. Wouldn't it seem strange if school weren't on board though? I think they do see some things, but they don't think it is as much of a problem as I do.
polter I did try videoing DS. He just stopped whatever he was doing to ask why, and kept on and on asking... I have kept notes of specific incidents, just need to decide whether to take the step.
We have good days, and I think, no he'll grow out of it, and then we have bad days where I just tear my hair out thinking 'WHY does he behave like this!'.

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