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ASD - blame game - anyone?!

(18 Posts)
goldenretriever Wed 05-Feb-14 04:46:25

Son age 4 is severely autistic. OH has taken to pointing out it is clearly from my side, though it doesn't run in either side. Anyone else had this, as I feel like smashing his face in?

salondon Wed 05-Feb-14 05:09:28

No, but, if you didn't engage with OH in this conversation and instead said 'ok, so we agree we have a problem. Shall we now work on improving his learning abilities?', will he be Onboard? Because a lot of times, one parent, isn't Onboard and that makes things only harder.

sunnyfriday Wed 05-Feb-14 08:02:33

what an arse. sorry, no advice but I know how it feels. my DP says similar things and needless to say - our relationship is not great.

StarlightMcKingsThree Wed 05-Feb-14 08:10:33

I dunno. DH and I regularly point out relatives on either side that were a bit quirky. The difference is that it is more for the interest rather than blame. We accept ds. We accept that we produced him together.

Often, we also point out how lucky he is that despite his ASD he has inherited <insert positive attribute here>.

Are you both new to the diagnosis?

AtYourCervix Wed 05-Feb-14 08:24:21

We do a bit. But not maliciously. And it is pretty obvious where both of my children get some of their quirks from. Like D1 gets her airheaded dippiness from me and D2 gets her maths ability from H. And once your ASD radar gets fine tuned it gets interesting picking out those traits in your relatives. Or maybe it's just us who have quite a large proportion.

They both get their stunning good looks from my side obv.

PolterGoose Wed 05-Feb-14 08:31:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarlightMcKingsThree Wed 05-Feb-14 08:38:06

I'm constantly telling people that when my kids are well-behaved it is down to my excellent parenting, but when they are not, it is down to genetics, on their father's side.

claw2 Wed 05-Feb-14 09:13:38

My brother had severe ASD, my dad was a bit quirky, he was a professor of maths. For me it was more just about oh it might run in families when ds received his dx.

Ds's dad just had trouble accepting that there was anything 'wrong' with ds, like it was some kind of slur on his super human sperm, idiot. We are no longer together!

JJXM Wed 05-Feb-14 09:15:02

My DH admits that our son's ASD definitely comes from his side of the family. It's not a blame thing, just an acknowledgment of the facts. DS gets all sorts of other wonderful things from DH's 50% contribution.

I was at a group when a mother blamed her husband for their DS' ASD because she already had one son with another man and he wasn't affected - so DS clearly got it from his dad. I felt so sad that this was her focus rather than helping her child.

ouryve Wed 05-Feb-14 10:12:13

Sometimes the genetics are obvious (they are in my family), but if he's trying to use that to say that your DS's ASD is your fault, then he's being an arse. You have no control over the genetic complement you were born with. Your DS's ASD is no more your "fault" than his eye colour or hair colour or his ability to roll his tongue, or his predisposition to or absence of freckles.

In the end, it matters little whether there's an obvious genetic line, or none, what does matter is your DS and how he's being helped to overcome or work with the difficulties cause by his ASD. Do you think that your DH might be struggling to accept this, or his he generally an arse about many things?

zzzzz Wed 05-Feb-14 10:39:16

What difference does it make who's genes caused it? confused

There are worse things than being like your own child.

Artfuldodger86 Wed 05-Feb-14 10:43:28

OH has pointed out that he has two "normal" children with his ex wife and with me he has one with dyslexia and another with ASD.
sad

bialystockandbloom Wed 05-Feb-14 10:46:46

I think if there is any implication of genetic causes with my ds, it comes from my side. But I also can credit his intelligence to my side too wink

But flippancy aside, I'd feel the same. How spectacularly unhelpful and destructive of him. Totally ignore the comments (I mean totally as in pretend you didn't even hear it). If he keeps saying it and you keep ignoring him he's going to look like even more of an arse than he already does. salondon's line is a good one.

goldenretriever Wed 05-Feb-14 18:24:50

It is a relatively recent diagnosis (September last year) Guess just pissed off he assumes it is from my side. He is an arse about a lot of things and in denial too. Comments all very interesting as don't know many people who have children with SN. Sadly, don't think have temperament to ignore it, will prob tell him to shape up or piss off next time!

StarlightMcKingsThree Wed 05-Feb-14 18:27:15

Ask him which 'side' is going to ensure your child gets the support he needs and deserves? As far as 'sides' go, that's the only one that matters.

KeepOnKeepingOn1 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:37:02

DH and I play 'spectrum spotting' in ourselves and both of our extended families. Without blame.

I agree with star - being slightly obsessive about fighting for your child is something to be proud of smile

Handywoman Wed 05-Feb-14 20:31:59

"Ask him which 'side' is going to ensure your child gets the support he needs and deserves? As far as 'sides' go, that's the only one that matters."

This. Is what you should say if it comes up again. Is more polite than necessarily warranted, but will keep you on the moral high ground even though smacking him one would be understandable

MothratheMighty Wed 05-Feb-14 20:41:57

There's a huge difference between light-hearted teasing as mentioned on this thread, and as I do with my OH and the nasty, accusatory and unhelpful sniping that you describe OP.
Tell you what, I'll come over and clobber him for you, your son and you deserve better. So much better.
Tell him to get his shit together and start acting like a father to his child.

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