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Violence to siblings.

(18 Posts)
Holycowiloveyoureyes Fri 24-Jan-14 12:06:55

DS can be very aggressive towards his younger sister.

They can play really nicely together but if she fails to follow his rules or touches his train etc he lashes out.

He punches her, hits her with toys, squeezes her arms and has started to put his hands round her neck.

Obviously this has to stop. He's getting bigger and stronger. We don't tolerate violence. He is sent straight to his room and told off. When we ask him why we're cross he doesn't seem to know, it's like he can't understand that what he did is wrong. He says she was annoying him so he hit her. If someone hurts him at school he knows it s wrong, but can't seem to compute that when he does it it's also wrong.

I have to protect DD. She's already told her teacher he tried to strangle her sad if she carries on telling them we'll be in the concerns book I know sad

It's getting to the point I can't leave the room for fear of him attacking her. He's nearly 7, I should be able to go to the loo or cook tea without all hell breaking loose.

Has anyone had similar? Any tips? I'm really at the end of my tether with it all.

blueeyedmonster Fri 24-Jan-14 12:56:47

We have similar here. Ds is 6 and DD is just under 2. He turns just as quick as yours and will hit, kick, shout, throw stuff at her and push her. If I know he is in one of those moods or likely to do something/building I tend to keep one of them with me at all times. If he has done it while I have popped to the loo or something we go through the whole procedure of talking about it and he doesn't get left with her again. If I am going to leave them together I always remind them to be kind and keep their hands and feet to themselves. If I don't he's likely to forget. If are are in the same room he is removed immediately from what he is doing and its suggested he goes to his calm place. We then talk about it when he is calm. It's a long road and I wish there was sa quick fix but there's not for us.

iloveithere Fri 24-Jan-14 13:45:42

We have been through that too. What we have done is worked really hard to give him other strategies for when he gets angry. We have tried loads of things, and finally he is building his resilience and can contain these sudden flashes of anger better.
We tried: cushions to throw, paper to tear, quiet calm down area, blankets to hide under, spoons and bowls to mix.
He finally seems to have taught himself to wrap his arms around himself and calm down that way.
So whilst I agree that violence is not acceptable, he perhaps need to be taught other outlets rather than be told off. But going to his room to calm down could be one of those strategies. This will give him the chance to calm down, and her some space to feel safe.
I hope this gives you some things to consider and may be helpful.

Holycowiloveyoureyes Fri 24-Jan-14 14:00:42

Thank you, will try some of these strategies.

Telling him off doesn't have any affect, it's just so hard not to shout when he's hurting her.

iloveithere Fri 24-Jan-14 14:03:58

Oh I know, Holy, I've been there so many times.
Take care of yourself too, getting angry wont help (we all know that but we all do it) and counting to 10 really does help.

must go now, but let me know how you get on, and ill post some more things that we have tried later.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 24-Jan-14 14:05:29

This may sound very weird but have you ever tried one of those balls that are made of a substance very much like silly putty.

I can't for the life of me remember what they are called but when kept in a pocket can be ideal if you can teach hand to pocket then squeeze when hand has an urge to go to throat and squeeze.

It my be very out dated now but it did work very well for my older ones (asd)

Holycowiloveyoureyes Fri 24-Jan-14 14:19:24

Like a stress ball?

Good idea, he does like to fiddle so may help, thanks.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 24-Jan-14 14:32:53

Kind of.

The ones my son had were filled with a gel substance and had a net round them.

iloveithere Fri 24-Jan-14 16:43:52

Stress ball is a good idea, or play dough, or one of those stretchy people executive toy type thongs. Or some children like to crunch, so for example carrot to either bite or snap

Holycowiloveyoureyes Fri 24-Jan-14 16:57:24

I just wish the appointment with the autism teams would hurry up.
At the back of my mind is the voice saying maybe he's just naughty.

I know that's not true but some days I doubt myself iykwim?

iloveithere Fri 24-Jan-14 17:08:22

I don't think it matters why he acts as he does, you need to focus on helping him in whatever way works for him and the rest of your family. Whether he is 'naughty' or has other needs, you need strategies to help, not labels for him.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork Fri 24-Jan-14 22:58:26

My ds does this with his older and younger siblings. Funnily enough his obsession is trains. We remove him from the room and the situation as whilst he needs to know he doesn't hit, we also know it's a reaction to being over stimulated and not being able to control his environment.

iloveithere Sat 25-Jan-14 17:22:20

Hope your day was ok, holycow, and that your as held it together.

Holycowiloveyoureyes Sat 25-Jan-14 17:28:51

Thank you.

We've not had the best day meltdown wise but I won't bore you with the details :-)

He hasn't however attacked DD, in fact they're cuddling on the sofa at the most so that's good :-)

iloveithere Sat 25-Jan-14 19:24:54

smile that's nice to hear.

HugAndRoll Sat 25-Jan-14 19:56:19

Ds1 (nearly 6) does this to ds2 (nearly 2) (ds1 diagnosed with hfa/aspergers). Today ds1 has pushed ds2 off the sofa, grabbed him around the neck and hit him over the back of the head with a cushion.

I am hoping that we qualify for sensory equipment from a charity which includes a dark tent which will provide ds1 with a stimulation free zone. In the meantime I just remove ds2 from the situation and try to explain that we only like kind hands in the house. Some days he's ok but it's mainly not.

iloveithere Wed 29-Jan-14 17:46:46

How are things going, Holycow? I hope DS is being kind today.

Holycowiloveyoureyes Wed 29-Jan-14 21:04:36

We've not had too bad a week violence wise thank fully.

I've just not left them alone if I can help it. Things have been as they should be at school with regards to the timetable so he's been quite chilled out.

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