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Why do people have a problem with me giving up my job to be a sahm to child with asd and severe learning difficulties and his older sister!

(18 Posts)
jess1975 Sun 13-Oct-13 16:19:13

Hi Just a quick rant and I'm also wondering has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction. As it says in the title my ds is quite severely disabled. I have always worked since leaving school (mostly full-time) and when I had my ds went back to work two days per week whilst my husband worked full time. However at the beginning of the year I chose to stay at home simply because on average he had up to two appts per week to attend and they seemed to always fall on the days I was at work! Also my DS needed me. He was at day nursery and it just wasn't ideal for him. In general people were ok with this but since he's started special school they seem to think they can ask what my intentions are with regards to going back to work! I constantly get asked what I'm doing with all my spare time and how great it must be! I have an older child as well. My DS cannot be left alone and his play is purely exploratory (not constructive with anything) and everything goes in his mouth. I would be hard pushed to find a job that would give me all of the school hols and don't want to introduce another setting for him after school. He needs his "Mum"! It's really beginning to get me down as people must think I'm lazy! Even my mother -in -law as started making suggestions as to how I can fill my time. I would never dream of asking a full-time working mum does she not feel she should work less hours and spend more time with her kids so why do people feel they can judge my life. In the last year we've had so much to come to terms with my son's diagnosis. He's assessed as being the same as a baby under twelve months yet others think they can make remarks about my wonderful life as a lady of leisure! Rant over!

mymatemax Sun 13-Oct-13 16:29:10

take no notice, its your life & none of their business.
Many parents make the choice to not work & that's without all the added stuff that comes with having a child with a disability.
If you struggle to ignore just tell them to eff off!

NameChange70 Sun 13-Oct-13 16:51:44

Hi I don't work at the moment either. My son is lovely but school is respite for me. As soon as he's home or it's the weekend, then it's all about him. I am always busy but the head space I get is probably what keeps me sane. Tbh I just wouldn't worry too much what people think. They are not in your shoes therefore they don't get it.

zzzzz Sun 13-Oct-13 16:52:02


I get that all the time and I HE my 8 year old with sn and have 4 other children. People are just arses. Tell them in some household BOTH parents have to stay home, so you are relatively lucky. (This is bollocks but will give them something else to ponder.). Also get them to babysit for half an hour.

Me staying home is vital for my boy. I am his only chance not to end up completely dependent. No one gets that. Everyone thinks they have a better plan/could do it better. They don't have the slightest inkling of what they're talking about.

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 13-Oct-13 17:10:31

Anyone who says this is a numbskull and must be ignored! I think to myself sometimes when I meet such stupid chatterers - I wonder how quickly you would have fallen apart if you had my DS, 2 days, a week maybe? Working would be easy compared, if only disability childcare did in fact exist. Let it wash over you

MariaBoredOfLurking Sun 13-Oct-13 17:29:37

Ooh fantastic, are you looking for a full-time nanny job?

I work full time from home, but the finance man (aka DH wink) doesn't expect us to be able to draw any profit for several years.

No, it usually takes at least 4 hours to wash the poo off the walls and to cook a nutritious purée meal from scratch.

Jellyandjam Sun 13-Oct-13 17:31:48

Yep!! I get exactly the same. I have chosen to be a sahm for now as I am lucky enough to now be in a position where I can. But even before my DS started school (4 weeks ago) I had people constantly asking when I am planning on going back to work or pointing out jobs that may be suitable. Now I am lucky and my children do not have disabilities, my DS has articulation disorder but this is not the reason I chose to give up work (although it has made it easier to take him to his SALT appointments without feeling guilty). I just wanted to be a mum and it's far from a life of leisure running around after two children but I will have plenty of time to work when they get older. Try to ignore them.

bigbluebus Sun 13-Oct-13 17:36:31

I gave up part time work when my DD started school full time as childcare issues were impossible. She is nearly 19 now and I have never gone back to paid work. I make it well know to people how I fill my time (gym - which I see as a necessity to keep me physically and mentally fit to be able to look after DD, voluntary work of varying types, as well as doing all the admin involved in having a disabled child (now adult) in addition to all the general day to day running of a household that everyone else has to do). Not saying that you have to fill your day like that - if you want to sit with your feet up all day you wish then that is up to you and none of anyone else's business.

Just explain to them exactly how much work is involved in caring for your DS. Perhaps they would like to volunteer to have your DS in the school holidays or take him to some of the appointments! Most people don't have a clue how much extra work is involved and need it spelling out for them - including MILs

zzzzz Sun 13-Oct-13 18:12:43

Sometimes I tell people I sunbathe if they ask "what do you do all day". This confuses them as I am fish belly white and ds would vey obviously run amok.

sammythemummy Sun 13-Oct-13 18:42:37

Iv given up work because I had so many salt appointments in a week. My dd recently started nursery so my mums friends have started asking me when in planning to go back to work/do my masters.

I think its a way for them to make chit chat with me tbh

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Sun 13-Oct-13 19:33:43

Your response to all enquiries must be, "I don't need to work, I'm really fucking rich." Repeat as necessary.

Pisses people off no end! grin

jess1975 Sun 13-Oct-13 21:20:21

Hi all - Thanks so much for your replies. It seems lots of us are in the same boat. People have actually suggested I join a gym! Do they actually believe that if I wanted to join the local gym I wouldn't have the brainpower to think of that idea for myself! Will definitely be trying out some of your responses!

mymatemax Sun 13-Oct-13 21:22:51

Oh yes, just tell them that you are able to claim so much in benefits that the tax payer is now paying for your daily beauty treatments & world wide holiday grin

bjkmummy Mon 14-Oct-13 00:17:58

I have 2 with asd - 3 children in total - middle son was out of school for a year last year. I stopped working when my twins were 1 year old - did work from home for a couple of years but then eldest got dx followed by middle child and with the stress of that and having a dh in the armed forces I just couldn't be supermum. I know friends think I have it easy and although dh no longer in the forces he works shifts so a lot of the time Im alone with the children all evening and its blooming hard work. I may not work but I do give a lot back as in advising parents etc. I think its much better I am home and mentally, emotionally and physically well to care for my kids. my eldest is now 12 and there is no after school provision for him plus all 3 in different schools in 2 different counties so the holidays go on forever - summer holidays were 8 weeks before I got them all back at school - there isno employer who could possibly have that much flexibility.

FreshWest Mon 14-Oct-13 10:04:38

Same here. I have one dd age 5 with ASD. I have had this question since she started school and I just ignore ignore ignore.
As previous posters have said, school time is respite time for me. I use this time to go food shopping (which is impossible with dd in tow and she is now too big for the trolley), last few weeks have been spent chasing statement issues. Or to catch up on sleep grin And we just got DLA renewal form through so that will be this weeks job.
My 'd'm is the worst culprit. "Now that you've got the statement sorted and miniFresh will be going to new ss soon, have you thought about getting some work?" angry angry No mother, I have not.

ouryve Mon 14-Oct-13 14:06:55

I have 2 with ASD, age 7 and 9. I volunteer one afternoon a month and DH has to take time off or work from home to enable me to do that. DS2 is quite feral, but usually calm (though he gets into everything and most people's homes aren't set up to deal with that) but DS1 often has a whole day's angst stored up, ready to let out after school. Add in school holidays, illness, appointments etc and anything other than very part time, very flexible work is out of the question.

And yes, school time is my respite time. I have spent since the start of this term, piecemeal decorating the lounge. I can't do any of it when the boys are home. I have to have everything dry, tidied away etc, by the time they get home. I've just taken 2 weeks off that because I've had other things to catch up on and I've needed to get all my ducks in a row because the LA have refused to amend DS1's statement and his needs are not being met, where he is.

I try not to smirk too obviously when other parents say they won't know what to do all day, when their children start school, full time.

xxleannejxx Tue 15-Oct-13 20:21:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlefirefly Tue 15-Oct-13 23:41:04

I have learned over the years to stop caring what people think. Sometimes I try to explain, that we have so many appointments/meetings and school holiday care is impossible, that it's unrealistic to seek work. But most of the time I just smile and change the subject quickly. I'm not ashamed to say that some of the school hours are spent as respite time for me, I have an enjoyable hobby that keeps me going and provides social contact, and sometimes I need a nap during the day when DS keeps me up all night. But most of it is spent doing things that parents of NT children don't have to deal with, like dealing with appointments and form-filling and looking up case law for his statement, or doing every day things like housework and laundry which is more demanding as DS gets through so many bedsheets every week and I can't do it once he's home from school because he needs constant supervision.

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