Advanced search

Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

Need some serious advice please x

(26 Posts)
coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 18:22:07

Not sure where to start bit will cut corners and be brief. DD has a friend who has AS. Both parents allegedly beat her. One parent no longer there had unmanaged bi polar and was struggling. she is a lovely girl who dd has clicked with.

This bombshell has just been dropped at my feet with both girls asking me to adopt her. has a sw allocated who has told her either she has to go to a different family unless a private adoption can be done.

I am assuming the SW means a temp foster rather than adoption. fell the sw has left a 12yr old with too much info to deal with on her own!

two pairs of big eyes looking at me has made me agree for her to get some bits and at least sleep over and be safe for a couple days.

my home is safe for her and I have had enough as visits through removing SS from school to general welfare after fix so I am not worried on that score but didn't think a child could just move herself bless her x

any advice legal or just supportive ideas would be appreciated as I can think with my heart eater than my head where children are concerned x

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 18:24:18

Removing DS from first school
assessments for DS welfare during DX

sickofsocalledexperts Thu 10-Oct-13 18:36:06

You are doing a very kind thing, but I think you will have to have a meeting with sw as i would be surprised if they allow the child to come to you like this, reckon these things take weeks/months. I am no expert though.

PolterGoose Thu 10-Oct-13 18:36:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw2 Thu 10-Oct-13 18:50:29

Are you sure this is the case?

I should think its very unlikely that a SW in a child protection case would tell a young girl with AS to go and find a family to stay with.

I think you need to speak to SW or parents (if you know them well)

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 19:21:54

Thanks for your replies x poor DH just walked on door and DS explained things very badly indeed so it's taken a while to put him in the picture.

The mother not available allegedly so as left a while ago. Father apparently fine that she comes here and she is packing and I am picking her up. It is all very odd. Think for now beat to just bring her here so she feels safe for now whatever the circumstances are and once seen if to school I will ring the school and see if they know anything and if DDs friend can tell me the name of this SW and try and get some sense.

don't want to hurt DDs feelings but know things don't always pan out as you want them to be and SS could well have diff ideas

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 19:31:42

can't seem to call up that link on phone and sorry for sp errors!

Also sorry for just randomly asking for such advice. Just that I know you all virtually know me enough when I am serious about something and this is a delicate child situation x

bochead Thu 10-Oct-13 19:45:55

To cover yourself, for goodness sake put it in writing, even if it's just an email to the most senior SS bod you can lay your hands on that the child staying with you.

It's illegal to have even a niece or nephew stay with you (with you as main carer) longer than 28 days without notifying SS nowadays. That's without any existing SN or CP concerns. This child is not related to you, and although you are known to be sound as a pound you haven't done the"official" foster training or vetting so don't have the correct boxes ticked iykwim.

If you can get it in writing and witnessed properly by the main carer (does her dad have PR?) too. Cover your back.

It's a fantastic thing you are willing to do, as if this girl has AS being sent to strangers seems very cruel as opposed to someone she already knows and feels comfy with. At least you "get" her.

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 21:56:28

Thanks bochead for advice smile

Well she is here now and I have to say I have never gone to someones house and happily been handed a suitcase!

From the bits and pieces coming out it sounds like a case of lack of support being given to a family (oh and dont we all know that one) that has leaded towards neglect but not intentionally iyswim.

Parent went out before I came and left her to it. bro is a typical teen with AS and lovely and lively but was helping her with her things like its all normal. Which when you look at it a decision had been made and yep to him it was normal.

I do not know them well and only know the girl but from and entirely sit on the shelf position strikes me that whole family has series of both mental health and autism issues that collectively could perhaps with full support all get better. I am hoping this is the case for this child. She is lovely but so sadly matter of fact about it all, happy to be up with DD loves DS comes out with an its ok my parents never have been good ones so I am used to it and my "home parent" doesnt deal with disability very well but its all ok really as I am really independent you wont know I am here sad

Fingers crossed everyone gets support.

The girl is adamant and so is teen bro that parent is happy she is coming here and SW happy as she wanted the girl out of the house asap. Girl told me SW will visit us in 2 weeks to check over that she is happy and had a bed etc. It dont make sense I know so yes going to track everyone down in the morning and get some emails going!

claw2 Thu 10-Oct-13 22:10:21

I know you mean well, its obvious from your posts that you are very caring and just trying to help.

However the bottom line is, you haven't spoken to the girls parents or a sw or any other adult, she has packed her bags and come to yours, you are taking the word of children with AS.

I really cant see a SW involved in a CP case being happy with a 12 year old girl with AS making her own arrangements and coming to live with you, without so much as a phone call. (and I don't have a very high opinion of SS btw)

Be careful.

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 22:31:10

I dont have a high opinion either claw which is why gut feeling is telling me this is a situation where help was not given and now all hell has broke loose.

I am on computer so can get to that link and that says notify the LA so currently looking up an email address for that now.

I have been ringing the home parents home phone on and off to get to speak to the parent. She has even told me her dad said he will give her £20 tomorrow to buy some food for her at tescos! Could be just a simple fact that the home parent needs a break but strange that he should leave her to it....

She has been supposedly told to be by the phone for a call from the SW in the morning at her actual house. It does have on her little FB page that a SW has called so there is one somewhere but she doesnt know her name.

I will definitely notify all an sundry she is here but all stale mate being so late in the evening.

I will be careful smile

claw2 Thu 10-Oct-13 22:47:48

I know SS can be crap from my own experience of them, but it is outrageous (if it turns out to be correct) that they have let an extremely vulnerable child just pack her bags and go and stay with just anyone, she could have ended up anywhere and in a worse situation than she is allegedly in already (you sound lovely, not a slur on you, but them)

Please let us know how this turns out

coff33pot Thu 10-Oct-13 22:59:30

My thoughts exactly claw. And yes I shall let you know what transpires tomorrow when I get to the bottom of it all.

Thanks everyone as usual I can rely on this board to "talk" sense smile

lougle Thu 10-Oct-13 23:02:39

Just to clear something up Link Nieces and Nephews are counted as 'close family' (whether by blood, marriage, affinity or step-parent) so are exempt from Private Fostering rules.

You need to contact the SS department as soon as possible.

claw2 Thu 10-Oct-13 23:08:14

Good luck

SparkleSoiree Fri 11-Oct-13 01:11:58

I'm not sure the parents are fully aware of the situation reading what you have written. Do they think she has just gone for a sleepover? It all seems to be what the girls have told you without any kind of adult involvement at all...

I know you are going to ring around first thing in the morning but I would be prepared to hear another side to this. Sorry if I am being unduly cynical.

coff33pot Fri 11-Oct-13 04:18:53

I appreciate your suggestion and yes that thought did cross my mind but I know my DD and know she would not come out and ask me to adopt someone for no reason at all smile and as such I believe there is something going on and the girls have told me to the best of their ability. for the record my dd is not dx with AS but is quirky enough for it to be possible in a mild way along with the usual taunts at school for Bering geeky etc. this child presents in a similar way it was DD who told me a while back that her friend was autistic as we're other family members.

other things that come to mind are that no one on a sleepover would take her entire personal belongings with her. Can't say what as could out the child but suffice to say they were pretty unusual objects that would be noticed by the parent.

the other teen is 18 and openly said that he has had a busy day having now moved two people today one in and now one out.

DD said the home parent was in whilst her friend was packing but was mainly talking privately to her mate then said bye and left after advising her he would give me this money for food. So somewhere along the line permission to leave the house was granted iyswim

One thing I am sure if is that I have not got all the facts on the situation but enough to piece together that all is not well. and what panicked me was that should her anxiety be similar to my DS the thought of being moved to a strange place (if this is so) would result in her making a bolt for it to anywhere.

I could well be doing the wrong thing with the right intentions though but I now have a list of numbers off the Internet that I will be phoning as soon as their offices are open smile
Yes u am still up at silly o clock trying to make sense of it all.

claw2 Fri 11-Oct-13 07:17:54

First thing on my mind this morning was you and this poor confused little girl.

My ds has AS and appears on the surface to be very high functioning in all areas, although there is always an element of truth in everything he says, it can sometimes be a little skewed or blown out of portion due to his difficulties.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and the girl was ok and today you manage to find some answers.

coff33pot Fri 11-Oct-13 12:51:11

well so far contacted school who are of the impression I did the right thing after speaking to parent who was extremely carefree as to why he had not phoned me back at all or spoke to me. Excuse was he had other commitments for the evening and had to go out....

they were not aware so read him riot act and insisted he phone me which he did. he has promised to ring SW and pass on my details but tbh I got back to school who hunted down the information and SW name (which I have been given) and she will be contacting me.

I have advised parent and school I am happy to have her here for the time being but would rather go through the correct protocol!

there is no doubt this family needs support lets hope they get it

coff33pot Fri 11-Oct-13 22:08:50

Finally at the end of the day we have all got somewhere smile

SW has got in touch. The visit was apparently a first visit and the SW was explaining to the girl the ins and outs of going somewhere else SHOULD this choice be made.

Home parent told me that SW had mentioned child was thinking of leaving to go somewhere but he didnt actually think she meant it. (but confirmed he agreed she could go which strikes me as odd)

SW seems to know all about us from the girl also including the fact that DS has AS etc. child is unhappy about some things going on of which I wont disclose. Child said she wants a real family. I have to say I am worried about attachment issues and think I will be reading up on a few things as have to tread carefully if that is the case.

SW unlike us mums wouldnt twig that a young child with AS would take her word for word and act upon it, make her mind up so quick and off she goes....

Bit annoyed with this as girl was left with a dilema not entirely thought through on top of which was a parent that is very go with the flow and has his on coping mechanisms.

But parent happy for her to be here, SW happy for her to be here and school happy. Have volunteered myself for a full assessment so it looks like I have an additional member for a little while. oh boy smile

I wont post anymore indepth about it as my role is obviously changing from that of a concerned outsider to protector and maybe with her here I can shout a bit on her and her families behalf. But thought you would like to know outcome of events smile

TOWIELA Fri 11-Oct-13 22:17:35

Didn't want to read and run. Coff - you are a good person. Hope it works out for the child and your family - you are all in my thoughts.

2old2beamum Fri 11-Oct-13 22:19:58

Know where you are coming from the child comes first I feel sod the consequences but you have to be careful but to many people cover their own backs. I fully support you and hope I would do the same

PolterGoose Fri 11-Oct-13 22:35:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoHaudinMaWheest Fri 11-Oct-13 22:52:59

wow Coff you have a big heart.

coff33pot Sat 12-Oct-13 12:19:18

with a mad head grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now