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I cried in Waitrose this morning and need a self-indulgent moment

(146 Posts)
PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 11:24:11

Ds is now in Y6, has Aspergers and quite significant sensory issues, we've had problems with sensory issues and the dining hall which the teacher doesn't really seem to be taking seriously, didn't bother to reply to an email I sent, was non-committal when he spoke to do about it (dp was fab for once) which I've talked about in the G&C thread. We're having increased angry and aggressive behaviour after school, the usual delayed ticking time bomb stuff so many of us experience sad

He has 15h TA under school action plus which includes 1-1 at play and lunchtimes, this is crucial as he was involved in a serious incident during a lunchtime when he was unsupervised. I know think that they are using her for general lunch cover so are reluctant to have her support him on a 1-1 basis (or 1-2 if he had a friend with him) during the eating bit at lunchtime.

Ds was up in the night, we never get this unless he is super-anxious, he admitted he has worries and I said how we have to talk about them otherwise I can't make it better and agreed we'd talk today to work out what we can do. This morning we had a chat over breakfast and he just doesn't know what it is that is making him explosive, we didn't have long:

We talked about timetables (they are supposed to provide us a weekly up to date timetable) and he said the timetable for the day is on the board every morning and he's happy with that, I disagree and think he benefits from one at home we use both to prepare for the day mentally and as an aid to talk about his day at the end of the day. The 'post-mortem' of each day is helpful to stop him focusing on just the bad stuff (as he sees it) and means I can comment on topics from individual lessons to highlight the good stuff.

He's had lots of sensory processing/integration intervention but is refusing to use the techniques at school. I would like him to sit on a Move'n'Sit but he refuses. His TA had agreed she would just put it on his seat every morning and not make a fuss if he moved it and hope that eventually he'd just use it, she hasn't done this. I would like sensory stuff integrated into his day, the TA came on the Alert Programme with us and knows how to do this, what language to use and so on. She is very capable. But ds refuses to consider this idea.

After I dropped him off I went shopping and bumped into his lovely friend's mum who loves ds, I cried then as I vented, and I still am sad

I know what I need to do, I need to get shirty with school yet again.

But, typically, when asked at school if he's ok, ds will say yes, because he doesn't actually have the ability to articulate that he isn't and he doesn't want to talk about it and I don't think he can even identify what it is that is causing all this angst. And if he doesn't know and I don't know what it is, then how on earth do I get school to do things differently?

It's helping writing this down. I'm going to ask school to use the stuff we learnt on Alert to monitor his mood throughout the day and record it. Then we can identify where he needs support put in place. The whole point of he TA coming on the programme was to learn techniques to support ds's self-management, but he can't do it alone yet. That's my plan.

Thank you for getting to the end

Honks would be appreciated flowers

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 11:31:45

I know what I need to do, I need to get shirty with school yet again

Yes. This requires 150% of your effort and 2% of the school's effort, though they will spend another 10% whinging about you and 20% arguing back.

It's so bloody unfair and exhausting.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 11:33:59

Why should he know what is wrong? He has a disability that means he is dependent on professional expertise (including parental expertise), which he has had, which concluded in recommendations WHICH THE SCHOOL SHOULD BE FOLLOWING.

His fine-ness or otherwise is not for the school to decided and justify withdrawal of essential provision.

I'm fuming for you, though you know this is not your experience alone right?

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 11:34:12


Chopstheduck Thu 03-Oct-13 11:35:00

been there, done that sad

Can you get his OT to go in and pile some pressure on them? Our school would never listen to me, but they had to listen to his OT.

hazeyjane Thu 03-Oct-13 11:39:37

I am so sorry i have no advice for you at all, as i have no real experience of school and this stage.

But did want to send lots of honks and say that I am well know in our local Waitrose for bursting into tears flowers for you.

TOWIELA Thu 03-Oct-13 11:42:02

Honks and thanks for you Poulter.

PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 11:50:51

Thanks everyone flowers

Star I am well aware this is a scarily common thing, I just thought after having to go though this for the past 6 years we might just get a reprieve at last. I know that the HT will take my concerns seriously and Chops that is a good idea, I will contact the OT too.

It doesn't help that I'm pre-menstrual and have an exam next week I've done no work for so have a weekend of cramming planned and really needed a couple of days 'off'. Having also been to the secondary twice in the past week I can see how much easier it will be for him there, the whole set up means he won't actually need much support over and above the NT children.

OneInEight Thu 03-Oct-13 11:55:10

Up to a couple of years ago I never cried in public - have more than made up for it since - so you are not alone in the weeping department. I know your school has been better than a lot in providing support for your son but I do think it might be helpful to formalise this by requesting a statement so that they can not take the support away and do implement the sensory stuff. All the more so because the transition to secondary is looming. In the meantime honks and thanks and wine and cake.

Firsttimer7259 Thu 03-Oct-13 11:55:28

thanks i hate that wrangling with everyone is what we have to do on top of everything else.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 12:01:52

Can you start the transition process next term?

Year 6 it is common for the primaries to give up on the difficult kids.

SummerRain Thu 03-Oct-13 12:02:02

[hugs] and [honks] Polter.

This might sound odd but have you described a meltdown to his teacher? I told ds1's teacher, in graphic detail including showing her my scars, what happens when he loses it. I probably frightened the poor woman half to death but I needed her to understand exactly what we deal with. He's totally fine all day at school but as your dp so aptly pointed out it's like a grenade going off at home. So I needed her to know what the sweet, cheerful boy she knows from class is capable of if there are problems. She and I both got a bit tearful but it has worked in the sense that she understands that her actions in class might appear to go unnoticed but they have massive consequences at home.

I think sometimes when we say 'He has a meltdown at home' the school hear 'He has a tantrum' because the reality of a child having a full blown violent meltdown is just so alien to most people their minds can't make that jump.

NoHaudinMaWheest Thu 03-Oct-13 12:07:34

Honks Polter.
Sorry it is yet another battle. I think it is worse when you feel it is sorted and then it turns out it isn't.

I think you have done some sterling work on getting your Ds to try to identify his difficulties. He sounds better at it than my much older Ds but it is going to be difficult for him as that is so intrinsic to his diagnosis,( and I know I'm teaching 'grandmother' to suck eggs here).
I also get the 'I'm fine' because it isn't immediately an awful problem but I know he isn't.

PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 12:10:05

One I did request statutory assessment earlier in the year when things got really bad, it was inevitably refused and actually worked well as a means to prompt school into action, if I don't get anywhere with emails to school (paper trail) I will dig out the report school did for the LA and use that as grounds to evidence not meeting his needs. I know school will respond it's just the hassle of having to remind them again that just because he looks fine and says he is fine doesn't mean he is fine.

Secondary transition really isn't a concern at all, I might be being a bit rose tinted spectacley, but having seen the school in action yesterday and judging from the responses from the teachers I've spoken to and the Senco and other parent feedback secondary will be a doddle compared to primary.

sunnyweatherplease Thu 03-Oct-13 12:16:47

I have just cried in front of the SENCO at school (who says there are no real problems with dd). Have cancelled work now because I am too teary.
flowers brew

I have only just come over to this SN board having presumed/being told it is all down to parenting techniques. Dh and I are just becoming open to the idea that maybe, just maybe it's not like that, and dd behaviour is not 'normal'.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 12:18:20

I know you're not worried about secondary transition, I just wondered if you could engineer him spending more time there, than the current school before he actually starts!?

PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 12:18:50

Star we effectively start the transition process in 2 weeks when me and ds are meeting the Senco and ds will get a tour, I think he will love seeing secondary lessons in action. There are 2 full days near the end of Y6 for all the children to attend and they have already offered extra sessions before this.

Summer that is a bloody good idea, thank you

NoHaudin I think you've nailed it, I did think it was sorted, I think this makes it worse.

TBH he could miss the whole of Y6 and still cope with Y7 academically, I'm going to ponder strategic days at home I think.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 12:20:09

Parental induced disability is the cheapest and therefore preferred diagnosis sunny, it is also so easily dished out because it is also the parents preferred diagnosis (of course, wouldn't we all prefer that it was our fault then we could do something about it!?).

Welcome to MNSN smile

PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 12:27:06

sunny welcome flowers

twainiac Thu 03-Oct-13 12:37:39

I'm sorry, I have no words of wisdom, but just wanted to give you a (hug).
Your advice to others on here, myself included, is amazing - and I'm so sorry you and DS are going through this.

PolterGoose Thu 03-Oct-13 12:40:30

Thanks twain flowers

moldingsunbeams Thu 03-Oct-13 12:50:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilTreacle Thu 03-Oct-13 13:08:03

Who hasn't cried in Waitrose?? I though that was the norm??

Honk Honk Polter

You already know what to advise us all daily so well....just let it all out , gather yourself up and put your shoulder into it.grin

sunnyweatherplease Thu 03-Oct-13 13:08:55

I am crying again now! You are all so nice and friendly!!!!!

I showed SENCO a picture of the devastation left behind after a meltdown, and described the violence, but she came out with "do you have a bed-time routine?" and later "creative type families often are a bit spontaneous and dis-organised."

Sorry PolterGoose am offering you no help at all. Am happy to share the tissues though.

StarlightMcKenzie Thu 03-Oct-13 13:10:40

'I showed SENCO a picture of the devastation left behind after a meltdown, and described the violence, but she came out with "do you have a bed-time routine?" and later "creative type families often are a bit spontaneous and dis-organised."'

Yes, and incompetent SENCOs are often a bit patronising.

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