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when an acquaintance has a baby with downs....................

(19 Posts)
brimfull Fri 26-May-06 00:04:38

and you see her a few weeks after the birth, after congratulations is it inappropriate to say anything about the fact her baby has Downs?
I have seen her once before but I didn't know that her baby had Downs,now someone has told me ,should I bring it up next time we meet in the street.I don't want it to seem like I'm ignoring the issue.What did people say or do that you liked or didn't like if you've been in this sort of situation?

misdee Fri 26-May-06 00:06:17

personally i wouldnt say a thing. thats just me.

suejonez Fri 26-May-06 00:10:34

My friend has just adopted a baby with Downs, she is thrilled with him and very happy. She wants people to say to her "what a sweet boy, isn't he lovely". Instead they say - "what a marvellous thing you have done for him, how many problems does he have?"

I would just stick with the "what a lovely baby" comments.

Mytwopenceworth Fri 26-May-06 00:13:35

there is no issue for you tbh, what does it matter if the baby has downs? i wouldnt say anything about it. i would just coo over the baby and make all the noises one makes over a friends new arrival.

eidsvold Fri 26-May-06 06:44:08

who cares whether the baby has down syndrome - why not just stick with your first response - congratulations etc..... your response now is coloured by what someone hs told you - originally you thought congratulations etc was fine - why not now?

Why do you feel the need to say something about down syndrome to someone who is clearly aware that her child has down syndrome. Why should she not just be congratulated for being a new mum and having her baby cooed over like anyone else's would be.

My eldest daughter was born with down syndrome and although we knew before hand - we did not tell everyone beforehand and my friends who simply congratulated and cooed over my gorgeous daughter were the ones I appreciated.... Those who were my good friends knew that when and if I needed to speak about anything I knew they would be there for the conversation.... only one person was a bit silly and you know what - we are no longer friends - for a number of reasons...... I had my first child - very wanted and adored - why should I not be congratulated like any new mother and why should you not coo over my daughter - nasal gastric tube and apnoea monitor included!

SecondhandRose Fri 26-May-06 07:19:41

I wouldn't she knows and she knows you know. If the baby had a big birth mark on its face you wouldn't say anything would you? Or big stary eyes or huge ears?

brimfull Fri 26-May-06 08:34:06

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone....didn't mean to.
thanks for your replies.

SecondhandRose Fri 26-May-06 12:36:01

No, no offence taken. That's the brilliant thing about Mumsnet you get everyone's point of view as well.

suejonez Fri 26-May-06 13:15:22

I'm adopting and a friend of a friend (who was pregnant) said in a shocked voice "but what if you get an ugly baby"

I didn't ask her what she would do if her child inherited all the worst features of her and her partner or what she would do if her child had a large birth mark etc as I was so shocked that she thought the most important thing about a child was how they looked.

It has surprised me how many people seem concerned about how my adopted child will look - ie will they be pretty. I haven't yet come up with a suitable answer. Any advice?

Sorry thread hijack there.

hotmama Fri 26-May-06 13:38:45

Suejonez - just say "As ds/dd will be my baby, to me they will be the most beautiful baby in the world" Everyone's baby is the most fab - to the parents.

sharonkitten Sat 27-May-06 08:26:23

My daughter has Down Syndrome and all I ever want to hear about is how beautiful she is (and she is very beautiful!). If you friend talks about it with you then fine, but I wouldnt bring it up in conversation with her unless there is something specific you want to talk about. I have always been more than happy to discuss it with my friends, and naturally many of my good friends have wanted to discuss it with me so that they can find out more abuot the condition and the impact it will have on our lives. However it is something secondary to them gushing over my beautiful little girl

Your friend is lucky to have a friend that cares enough to ask others about how to approach things, I wish some of my (ex!) friends had been so sensitive. Just be yourself & wait for your friend to talk about it if and when she wants to


Thomcat Sat 27-May-06 22:27:28

I just typed a response but realised that edisvold had said what I was trying t say but much better thatn me! My Dd has Down' syndrome and felt / feel exactly the same as Edisvold on this one.

suejonez Sun 28-May-06 22:23:34

As several of you are downs mums - do you think this would be a good webgroup for my friend (who has an adopted downs son about 15 months I think) to join. Or would you receommend somewhere better for her?

eidsvold Sun 28-May-06 23:15:48

sue - this one would be okay

for parents/people with down syndrome - might also be helpful.

Just to let you know - it is more appropriate to refer to people as - her son with down syndrome rather than downs son.

eidsvold Sun 28-May-06 23:16:17

and i am the mum of a girl with down syndrome not a downs mum.

Thomcat Sun 28-May-06 23:17:47

Edisvold gets in there again with exactly what i want to say! Thank you hon'
LOL at me being a downs mum!!!!!

Thomcat Sun 28-May-06 23:19:38

Trying not to be offened by beng a 'down's mum'. Think I should stop saying it to myself, sounds worse each time.

suejonez Sun 28-May-06 23:31:21

sorry, trying to save typing time and obviously offending lots of people - call him her son actually in rl, not her downs son or her anything else son

LizLocket Mon 29-May-06 23:32:12

When my neighbour had a little boy with DS tyears back I vividly remember her saying how much she missed people congratulating her and saying how lovely her baby was and being treated like any other new mum


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