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Feel upset and angry after meeting DS' new teacher..

(9 Posts)
earthtomummy Thu 25-May-06 19:19:07

asked for meeting this pm because we'd had a copy of DS' IEP and weren't happy because it didn't reflect what had been discussed and didn't have one of the things we'd asked for. Anyway, DS' new teacher who wasn't at the IEP mtg pretty much refused to remove the target we feel unhappy about and to include what we would like. She thought DS shouldn't be on an IEP and didn't have any needs. Then when I told her the paed. did think there was some cause for concern she said she'd defer to that, but seemed suprised and even more so when I said he had a SALT assess't next wk to look at his High Order function and imagination. I told her I was concerned re. DS' comprehension and processing of info. and said it had transpired that DS isn't understanding much of some of the stories he reads repeatedly. She looked at me and said she was v. concerned because i was obviously asking DS too many questions when I was reading to him and shouldn't I stop asking all these questions. I was really upset. It sounds so trivial but I felt undermined, as if she thinks we expect too much of DS, criticised. The irony is we aren't pushy parents at all - we keep saying we don't care if DS can write his name or not and aren't interested in that area. All we are interested in is his social communication skills. I'm feeling so upset and also confused now. Sorry to rant on, but I just feel like saying can we pull the plug on the IEP because it seems a useless process that doesn't value parent input.

apronstrings Thu 25-May-06 19:32:04

my dd has a statement - and works with an iep. she is 10 now. we have found the teacher she gets can have a huge impact on her learning - and in fact this year because of the teacher considered moving her to a special program. (we didn't). You know your son better than anyone.Don't let her undermine you. I kept asking at my dd's primary school if she had a problem before finally being told they were really worried about her ( about 2 1/2 years after I had picked up on it! ) Teachers are generally not special needs experts and are often doing their best with little help or real knowledge. One year dd's daughter told us she didn't think she had a problem was just very immature - and if she said that once in the year she said it 50 times ( this was when she had an IEP and was on stage 1 or 2 of the SN register). Rant away - we all really need a place to vent and discuss these issues as I think it can be so hard to know how to procceed/ what to do in your child's best interests.

earthtomummy Thu 25-May-06 19:35:45

Thanks Apronstrings. I think I'm just struggling with this whole process and then to have someone come in and say what she did has really thrown me.Every time I tried to explain what we were concerned about she kept saying, well, that's normal for 5 yos. Stuff like his being in his own imaginary world. I know lots of kids do that, but DS does it to the extreme. Same with getting obssessed about specific things like sealife. I just felt she thought I was over-anxious and looking for problems that didn't exist.

apronstrings Thu 25-May-06 19:44:49

I remember on the first day of reception looking at my daughters work ( a picture) and all the other little girls drawings, and I'll swear to you I knew then that something didn't fit. The immaturity thing really irked me - as in many ways she was really mature. I also think her first two teachers thought I was overanxious. I probably am - especially now that I know she really does have some issues...but I have other children and don't feel the same way about them so I do know that if I feel anxious its because I have cause to do so. Maybe this holds true for you and ds too.

sphil Thu 25-May-06 20:03:09

I really sympathise Earthtomummy. Although I've praised DS1's school to the skies in the other thread, I often feel as if the teachers there feel I am over-anxious and neurotic. The trouble is, many of our children's traits ARE normal for their age, when seen in isolation - but it's when you see a whole collection of traits that you start to think that something's different about them. And the trouble is, when you discuss each individual concern with a teacher, they tend to say 'oh, lots of kids do that' without looking at the wider picture.

beansontoast Thu 25-May-06 20:09:21

...god id have cartoon steam coming out of my ears...

in my current very very angry mood id suggest that she actually LISTENS to what you are telling her because she might LEARN something!! (like all the brilliant teachers that there are out there)

the crap ones really need to move with the frickin times...self appraise and get some training.simple!

earthtomummy Fri 26-May-06 10:10:46

Thanks guys. DH & I are normally quite avoidant of conflict but last night we decided we could either disengage or stand up for DS and what we believe his needs to be. So we wrote a letter to the teacher and head about our views. This morning I had a call from the Senco who agreed that her impression and that of DS' teaching asst. is that DS does have social comm. diffs and she has said we can meet and rewrite the IEP to include our areas of concern. You know, I was realy starting to feel ok with all of this stuff, but I feel really upset and angry and I'm wondering if it's going to be like this throughout his school career. DH thinks so and I think we prob. need to toughen up. I found it so depressing having DS' behaviour couched in such pejorative, negative terms 'naughty' 'agressive' 'attention-seeking'and not seen in the context of what we feel his needs are.Thanks for the support because I feel fairly crushed!

Bink Fri 26-May-06 10:23:52

sphil, that was well put - with problems like this, which are so complex but at the same time strangely subtle, I think it is difficult for anyone to be sure they've got the right perspective on it.

We've all had relatives who dismissed any idea of a problem; we've all had people go over the top about what a big deal it all is; I would bet we've all at some time or another felt we ourselves had it totally out of proportion. And, too, all the differentnesses between children who otherwise have similar problems just make it even more difficult to know where one sits.

The thing to be tough about is that one single teacher's (or any person's other than a relevantly-qualified professional) view is, in cases like this, just a view, just an opinion - and if it's a helpful opinion, then use the help; and if it's an unhelpful opinion, then try to put it aside.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-May-06 12:27:36


I would consider writing to the LEA asking for your DS to be assessed with a view to him having a Statement. There is nothing to stop you doing this and if the LEA say no you can appeal their decision. It seems that the IEP is falling short of your son's requirements even though it will be rewritten.

His being called "naughty" and "attention seeking" by school is frankly unhelpful and shows little understanding on their part.

IPSEA are very good and would suggest you have a look at their website which is

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