I have name changed because I am so desperate and also embarrassed about what's happening in the home with DS, aged 12. He has HF Asperger's, goes to mainstream school and outside the home is very well behaved.
At home, over the last 2 years, as he's starting puberty, he's expressing his anger with physical violence. This may involve pushing me violently, throwing small items at me, thumping me on the arm or chest. It's not that bad but I'm afraid it may get worse.
What should the consequences be when he does this? I find that I get very angry and upset myself and have at times ended up shoving him back, which I'm very ashamed of as this will only teach him to do this more to me. However, I am now resolutely trying not to retaliate but have no idea what to do instead.
For example, if I tell him that he must leave the room for being rude (he swears horribly at me) and have time out, he refuses. If I try to switch off his PC, he pushes me away, switches it back on, swears etc. How can I make him leave the room if I don't physically force him, which of course I shouldn't and in any case, he's now very strong?
I have also at times resorted to locking him in his bedroom and also realise that this is a terrible response and not at all helpful. I've felt at the end of my tether and if I try to lock myself in a room to calm down, then he just goes back to whatever he was doing that I've told him he can't do as a result of his rudeness or violence.
Like some children with Asperger's (though not all), if he does something wrong, he will never ever ever admit fault but turns it around into it being the victim's fault. I have tried, after rows, to sit down calmly with him and explain step by step what the sequence of events has been - ie, "When you called me a fing bitch c, I felt angry and upset and told you to go to your room, as a consequence of you doing something unacceptable. You refused to go, so I switched off your PC. You pushed me away, so I defended myself. You called me several other rude words and I got angry and felt hurt. I now need you to apologise and to understand what you've done wrong."
This then turns into him saying what I have done wrong - ie., made him angry so he had to swear at me, switched off his PC, so he had to push me/throw something at me. So he doesn't learn anything and his behaviour doesn't change and often I feel so terribly guilty about mismanaging the situation, that I end up telling him I love him and that I'm sorry for my part/losing my temper etc etc.
Can anyone suggest what I can do to help change this situation? What other specific consequences can I use to make him see that being rude and violent is wrong?
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Re: Managing violence in Asps. DS
Desperandum · 28/05/2013 11:23
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